How good are you at hiding the urge to CTB?

[depressionkills]

How good would you say you are at hiding your urge/thoughts to CTB?

Do people have zero clue that you're depressed and suicidal? Would CTBing cause shock for your friends and familiy?

Personally, I don't think me CTBing will be a shock at all. Been severely depressed for so long now, can't hide anymore.

 

[BPD Barbie]

I'm a master of disguise these days. While a few people know how severely depressed I've been, a lot still don't and I still wear my happy mask.

 

[muffin222]

Very good. I'm visibly and undeniably suffering from severe depression, but I never leak out any hints that I struggle with suicidal thoughts. I don't want anyone to begin to monitor me closely or attempt to impede me in any way if I decide to go through with ctb. If I take the plunge, it will be a shock

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

People know I'm depressed and make suicide jokes all the time but no one seems to suspect I'm on this site yet and am seriously considering suicide even though I don't bother to hide it. People have heard of my plans to ctb when I'm 30 but luckily that's three and a half years from now so they believe I'm going to flake on it like I do most other things. I prefer to let them keep believing that.

 

[raindrops]

I'm terrible I mope about even at work. When I get upset over something small I'm all whingy I start saying shit like "I don't wanna be here anymore"
to that a colleague said "what here at work?" I said no I don't want to be on this planet any more. So what if I meant work, people love to snitch huh,
I was crying walking to work and another colleague said "oh whats the matter Anon" So I said I don't want to live and then they laughed. It's like people think it's all for attention when deep down you're just trying to find a reason to carry on.

 

[Anonymoussn]

I'm open to my friends about having health issues, and that I've been feeling depressed. But they think that these things are just a phase and that I'm going to come out the other side of it. One of my friends knows about a previous attempt, so I think he is a bit more concerned, but I think he would still be surprised.

My family on the other hand have no idea I have any health issues or depression, and think that I'm in a good place. I guess I just don't want to disappoint or worry my Mum.

Outwardly I'm mostly quite a positive person, or at least I appear to be. I just find that if I wear a smile, it automatically makes me happier, whereas if I mope around it makes things worse.

At the end of the day, I don't think anybody's grief is going to be lessened by seeing it coming. If anything they might feel even more upset that they knew about it and couldn't help you.

 

[woxihuanni]

It's getting a little sad to see this sort of question popping up. I'm not hiding anything, I'm begging to be allowed to live and I am forced to kill myself. I envy all people who have people who they have to hide it from.

 

[bravotess]

I'm terrible I mope about even at work. When I get upset over something small I'm all whingy I start saying shit like "I don't wanna be here anymore"
to that a colleague said "what here at work?" I said no I don't want to be on this planet any more. So what if I meant work, people love to snitch huh,
I was crying walking to work and another colleague said "oh whats the matter Anon" So I said I don't want to live and then they laughed. It's like people think it's all for attention when deep down you're just trying to find a reason to carry on.

agreed. I can't even fake it. It feels like I'm just waiting to die. I say that all the time to my ex. He says some dumb shit like "oh you're fine" or " you know I'll be back." I finally said it to someone other than him, I texted it to my dad. He's old and sick but he got in the car and drive the 1.5 hours to where I live to take me out to lunch. It was nice. Didn't change anything but it was nice. May be the last time I see him. Do you think you are kind of reaching out for help by saying stuff like that.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

My family would be caught off guard. My friends and a few other people are aware of the suicidal thoughts, though. They know my depression is really bad. I don't think they would be too surprised.

 

[Mistake of Nature]

No one gives a shit about me so I don't have to hide it from anyone.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i think it won't be completely shocking, considering i've had problems for some time now and have threatened to kill myself multiple times now.

but in the eyes of other people, that was just a 'phase' i had, so i seem completely fine because i'm not screaming my head off anymore. if anything, that's the way i prefer it, so i can ctb in peace.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

No one suspects although I don't like this thing of hiding my feelings. It makes me feel bad for the others because I'm sure they would help me but I know I'm helpless.

 

[Shades of Grey]

Most people will probably be shocked when I CTB. They'd be even more shocked to know that I first experienced significant suicidal ideation as a third grader, and have been chronically suicidal for the past twenty years.

For whatever reason, people that don't know me really well have always tended to view me as a fairly positive, upbeat person. (Coworkers at my second to last job branded me the "fun, happy, kind, and pure" one.) It would probably freak them out to know how often I'd be sitting there telling some stupid story and laughing with everybody while simultaneously contemplating how I might off myself with various objects in the vicinity.

 

[Joey]

Most people will probably be shocked when I CTB. They'd be even more shocked to know that I first experienced significant suicidal ideation as a third grader, and have been chronically suicidal for the past twenty years.

For whatever reason, people that don't know me really well have always tended to view me as a fairly positive, upbeat person. (Coworkers at my second to last job branded me the "fun, happy, kind, and pure" one.) It would probably freak them out to know how often I'd be sitting there telling some stupid story and laughing with everybody while simultaneously contemplating how I might off myself with various objects in the vicinity.

The most happiest people hide the deepest pain

 

[rt1989526]

Been doing it for over a decade but recently I've truly unraveled as my situation has gotten really shitty. Can't wait for it to be over.

 

[Lmd]

Bad. I literally told how I feel to everyone and they are supportive so all good

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Pretty good I would say. I don't seem sad outwardly. I think people will be somewhat shocked when I ctb. I would be open about it if people didn't react so badly to it.

 

[ItsAllaBigNothing32]

As much as I have the urge to tell others, I don't, for the simple fact they can use it against you to commit you. Psychiatrists especially if you see one.

 

[Meditation guide]

I remember seeing photos of Robin Williams a day or two before he ctb. He had a brave forced little smile on his face when out in public. I'm not such a good actor.

 

[TheSoundofTime]

It is my mission to hide the real thoughts from everyone. If I slipped my family would probably call me every 15 mins to check on me which would make me want to kill myself even more. Secret plans are more probable to succeed

 

[J113632]

I mean my family knows because in 2015 i was hospitalized but i still lied then about how bad it was then. To every person i meet now i doubt any would know i fantasize about suicide every day. There's this weird thing where as soon as i start interacting with someone, all the thoughts and feelings about suicide go away and i just feel numb. After they go away, it all comes back like normal. I guess its some kind of defense mechanism to hide how i am really feeling.

 

[F#minor]

agreed. I can't even fake it. It feels like I'm just waiting to die. I say that all the time to my ex. He says some dumb shit like "oh you're fine" or " you know I'll be back." I finally said it to someone other than him, I texted it to my dad. He's old and sick but he got in the car and drive the 1.5 hours to where I live to take me out to lunch. It was nice. Didn't change anything but it was nice. May be the last time I see him. Do you think you are kind of reaching out for help by saying stuff like that.

I'm so glad you're dad drove to see you. Even if it doesn't change anything.

i think it won't be completely shocking, considering i've had problems for some time now and have threatened to kill myself multiple times now.

but in the eyes of other people, that was just a 'phase' i had, so i seem completely fine because i'm not screaming my head off anymore. if anything, that's the way i prefer it, so i can ctb in peace.

If people really respected others right to make this decision for themselves, loved ones could even be trusted to be present with the departing so they don't have to be totally alone as the lights go out. Sadly, their need to interfere ensures that they must be alone when the time comes. It's so backwards in some ways. I guess some would want to be alone when the time comes regardless.

 

[woxihuanni]

I would like to have one good friend who knows me well and loves me and understands. And even would sit with me at the time I do it. I've heard of some people who have that. It would be very comforting.
Even Robin Williams and Anthony Bourdain didn't have that. Nor Kurt Cobain. It had to be kept secret from every person in the world.

Doubt Cobain had to keep anything secret, it was more like his murdering whore wife who had to keep her intention secret.

 

[F#minor]

I would like to have one good friend who knows me well and loves me and understands. And even would sit with me at the time I do it. I've heard of some people who have that. It would be very comforting.
Even Robin Williams and Anthony Bourdain didn't have that. Nor Kurt Cobain. It had to be kept secret from every person in the world.

That is awesome to think there have been cases of a friend being able to be there for them at the appointed time. It's already going to suck. Why have to do it alone you know? I would imagine some wouldn't be able to resist intervening though. If I had had any chance of "saving" my friend on August 1st, out of my own desperation not to lose someone I love, I know I would have intervened. Now I see how utterly selfish that is.

 

[Grav]

I'm pretty good at hiding it, always the joke guy. I finally told my wife what I think about each day and it freaked her but she had no way to deal with it so I'm in counseling and meds, but still have the thoughts/plans. Other than that, initially most people who know me outside of work would be shocked but after they think about it and my general comments/attitude they'd say it was coming. Work and those minor acquaintances would be shocked.

 

[Sinai Silence]

I must be pretty good at hiding it since no one around me seems that concerned, it's pretty easy to put on a mask around people and sing a happy song. From time to time I'll whip out a suicidal or self deprecating joke to let out how I'm really feeling but in a way that no one is concerned about it. Lately I've been struggling to put on a happy face around people, it feels pointless.

 

[I screwed up]

Very good. I'm visibly and undeniably suffering from severe depression, but I never leak out any hints that I struggle with suicidal thoughts. I don't want anyone to begin to monitor me closely or attempt to impede me in any way if I decide to go through with ctb. If I take the plunge, it will be a shock

Very much my situation. Hide it from parents too ... They will be the most shocked I think

 

[Incorrigible77777]

Yes I think I have ~10% clue of being suicidal.

 

[Eren]

My family knows perfectly well that I have suicidal thoughts very often, sometimes I have even said it directly in the middle of a crisis. I also had a suicide attempt years ago. That is, it would not surprise them, although clearly if it would affect them a lot.

If I hide it from my psychiatrist, he asked me directly and I told him that I did not have those thoughts, I am afraid that they could force me into a psychiatric hospital.

 

[muffin222]

Very much my situation. Hide it from parents too ... They will be the most shocked I think

Same here. It's so sad that life has brought us to this point :(