Nemaki Arber
Lost soul & chat lurker
- Mar 24, 2023
- 36
I just left a vr hang out very upset, one of my friends who was diagnosed with stage 4b cancer keeps setting herself up to get hurt by men who didn't respect her or hurt her, me and other friends have been advising her to keep distance to let the dust settle and let things heal but she doesn't fucking listen.
But I feel guilty, for being upset about her wanting to experience things she never had because of her rather unique circumstances, but also because I just want to try and take my own life but hope it fails just to see how she and others reacts....
I can't stand it anymore, I know this is manipulative, i know it's unfair to others, but I still want to do it, not caring if it does actually take but hope it doesn't so I can see how people close to me rescts especially her... I don't know how else I can communicate how hurt I am that she keeps doing this.
It all feels hopeless anyway, either I die, either people finds out about my past and thinks im an irredeemable monster because who fucking cares about important context, i can't take it anymore, I wish I had tons of pills i could swallow right now and end up hospitalized so everyone around me can finally realize how much I've been struggling , with the current aftermath of my ex sexually abusing me and my "friends" staying neutral,
Everything around me is falling apart, im worthless to society, im worthless to my friends, im done... I wish I could hurt myself severely enough to be hospitalized again so people can take me seriously for once
But I feel guilty, for being upset about her wanting to experience things she never had because of her rather unique circumstances, but also because I just want to try and take my own life but hope it fails just to see how she and others reacts....
I can't stand it anymore, I know this is manipulative, i know it's unfair to others, but I still want to do it, not caring if it does actually take but hope it doesn't so I can see how people close to me rescts especially her... I don't know how else I can communicate how hurt I am that she keeps doing this.
It all feels hopeless anyway, either I die, either people finds out about my past and thinks im an irredeemable monster because who fucking cares about important context, i can't take it anymore, I wish I had tons of pills i could swallow right now and end up hospitalized so everyone around me can finally realize how much I've been struggling , with the current aftermath of my ex sexually abusing me and my "friends" staying neutral,
Everything around me is falling apart, im worthless to society, im worthless to my friends, im done... I wish I could hurt myself severely enough to be hospitalized again so people can take me seriously for once
