Venting How do you Stop being Emotionally Dependent?

[Bunny Beanie]

This is a venting post and it's really annoying so fair warning you may cringe lol. But I just need to get this out of my head and I can't talk to my friends about this because they are my problem.

I have had an issue of being super codependent since I could remember. I have a very very bad relationship with all my friends where no matter what they do to me, I will always love them unconditionally. I have never left anyone, everyone has always left me. I'll stay until they get sick of me or they use me up and throw me away because they got bored of me. And no matter how many times I go through this process, I am still attracted to people who dislike clingy messes like me.

I also have finally admitted to myself that I have the biggest crush on my very close friend. Our friendship is really odd because we will both continue saying we are friends yet….we act more like a situationship.

I know for the most part he uses me when he feels lonely because lately now that he's been finding more people to be friends with, he's been neglectful of me which of course hurts my feelings and makes me feel really used by him. We went from messaging daily and never being too busy for each other to him leaving me on read. Him not reaching out as much. Him dry messaging me. I miss who I met. I miss what our friendship once was. And I hate that I'm so attracted to him and I don't want to be because he is a walking-talking red flag lol.

I'm so emotionally dependent on him (and a few other of my friends) that I'll be chaotically busy and no matter what, I'm checking my dms to see if he has answered my messages. He will go hours without opening my shit but he will be online... He can go days without talking to me and I can't with him. I have tried the whole distancing away from him and it drove me straight into a 5150. Its pathetic.

He obviously is very disinterested in me. I have told him I was feeling neglected and he apologized and said he was just busy and exhausted but man… he says that to me but then tells me he's been hanging out with friends. That shit sucks so much. The one out of two times we hung out together, he was on his phone messaging people. So he obviously doesn't care if he's busy. If he wants to message someone, he would. So obviously he doesn't like me as much as he says he does and I hate that I'm stuck wondering what the fuck is wrong with me and why does everyone get sick of me.

What is absolutely killing me is I am in fact not single. I have a wonderful partner who treats me right besides for one thing they did that made me lose all feelings for them. But my partner is trying their absolute hardest to make up for that and grow as a person and learn from their mistake. I love them but I know I'm not in love with them anymore. The incident just fucked things up. But they are the poster of what a perfect significant other should be. And yet… I don't want them anymore. I hate it.

Instead I want my close friend who doesn't make me a priority anymore, plays with my emotions, doesn't make time for me, dodges hanging out with me, and treats me overall like a void filler.

I absolutely hate how this isn't the first time this has happened to me. I just become obsessed with my friends. I fall in love with them, hyper fixate on them, and eventually it fades out after YEARS…and that's AFTER they leave me and break my heart. And then the cycle continues.

Being codependent has made me want to ctb and I will on my birthday because I just can't take it anymore. No amount of healing these parts of me will take away my codependency. I want what I want and when I can't have it I feel unloved and fucked in the head. There's no saving someone like me and I'm aware of it. Same song and dance every 3 years (both single and not single) and I never learn the lesson. I just fall for someone else and get crushed because they never loved me but what I did for them.

But man… I have fell so hard for my friend and I hate myself for it. He's not good for me. I deserve sooooo much better. And I have it but one stupid fucking incident destroyed that.

So. Someone tell me the easiest and fastest way to ctb or someone tell me how to detach.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's such an awful cliche but a combination of letting go of them and time. You've already been honest with yourself about your relationship- even though it hurts like hell. But- I guess the key is to absolutely accept that. Don't fool yourself with false hope. For reference- I went through what I would term 3 rounds of limerance spanning 12-13 years. It was only when I accepted that all my crazy crushes were limerance that I haven't fallen for it all again.

In some ways, the worst hurt was when I lost my best friend though. That was really hard because we were close and I had become emotionally reliant on them. Getting hurt makes you realise in time that you simply can't do that. I've had a number of deaths in the family too, so- that's put me off getting too close to people. But- with my best friend- I had to keep telling myself- they've moved on. They have their own life now. Maybe they think about you now and then but- if they cared that much, they'd find the time to text etc. So- I stopped contacting them and we've just drifted apart. It's been years now and I don't think I even want to see them now. Same goes for old crushes but with an extra cringe factor!

Honestly, I hope you can get over the barrier with your partner. Don't keep beating yourself up though. We can't exactly help how we feel or- don't feel but- hopefully, you can find a way to rekindle that. They do seem to really care about your relationship. Hopefully that will seem more attractive in time- someone who actually does care about you. They may have messed up at some point but are clearly trying to make ammends. But of course- you know yourself best and we can't entirely control how we feel/ not feel.

 

[Bunny Beanie]

It's such an awful cliche but a combination of letting go of them and time. You've already been honest with yourself about your relationship- even though it hurts like hell. But- I guess the key is to absolutely accept that. Don't fool yourself with false hope. For reference- I went through what I would term 3 rounds of limerance spanning 12-13 years. It was only when I accepted that all my crazy crushes were limerance that I haven't fallen for it all again.

In some ways, the worst hurt was when I lost my best friend though. That was really hard because we were close and I had become emotionally reliant on them. Getting hurt makes you realise in time that you simply can't do that. I've had a number of deaths in the family too, so- that's put me off getting too close to people. But- with my best friend- I had to keep telling myself- they've moved on. They have their own life now. Maybe they think about you now and then but- if they cared that much, they'd find the time to text etc. So- I stopped contacting them and we've just drifted apart. It's been years now and I don't think I even want to see them now. Same goes for old crushes but with an extra cringe factor!

Honestly, I hope you can get over the barrier with your partner. Don't keep beating yourself up though. We can't exactly help how we feel or- don't feel but- hopefully, you can find a way to rekindle that. They do seem to really care about your relationship. Hopefully that will seem more attractive in time- someone who actually does care about you. They may have messed up at some point but are clearly trying to make ammends. But of course- you know yourself best and we can't entirely control how we feel/ not feel.

Thank you so much for this. It was really needed and exactly what I'm going through. Limerence is something I just can't get over and it's a constant thing. It's crazy I was obsessing over someone else during the summer and now I don't even think of them cos I have this new friend that I'm obsessing over. It sucks im trying so hard to stop falling for everyone I meet but I can't. Its sick.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank you so much for this. It was really needed and exactly what I'm going through. Limerence is something I just can't get over and it's a constant thing. It's crazy I was obsessing over someone else during the summer and now I don't even think of them cos I have this new friend that I'm obsessing over. It sucks im trying so hard to stop falling for everyone I meet but I can't. Its sick.

I'm so sorry. It truly is such a disruptive thing. I have got better at telling myself it's not real though. When I find myself falling for someone- I tend to say to myself- this isn't love. This is just what you do and it always gets you in a mess- so- try and stop it now! The big thing for me was to stop myself fantasizing about whoever it was. It's difficult because that can be a nice thing to do at the start but I think- knowing where it ends up- it's better to nip it in the bud.

I would say though- don't feel bad about this. I'm sure limerance develops as a response to something. I don't know what your childhood was like but it can develop out of a lack in some way in childhood. Mine wasn't terrible but it wasn't great either. But anyway- don't blame yourself. I think it's better to just be aware that you have this tendency and be careful that you temper your responses to relationships with reason. I wish I had- 12-13 years is a ridiculous amount of time wasted on fantasy! I wish you the best.

 

[Bunny Beanie]

I'm so sorry. It truly is such a disruptive thing. I have got better at telling myself it's not real though. When I find myself falling for someone- I tend to say to myself- this isn't love. This is just what you do and it always gets you in a mess- so- try and stop it now! The big thing for me was to stop myself fantasizing about whoever it was. It's difficult because that can be a nice thing to do at the start but I think- knowing where it ends up- it's better to nip it in the bud.

I would say though- don't feel bad about this. I'm sure limerance develops as a response to something. I don't know what your childhood was like but it can develop out of a lack in some way in childhood. Mine wasn't terrible but it wasn't great either. But anyway- don't blame yourself. I think it's better to just be aware that you have this tendency and be careful that you temper your responses to relationships with reason. I wish I had- 12-13 years is a ridiculous amount of time wasted on fantasy! I wish you the best.

Thank you again! My childhood was a nightmare so I know for a fact that my obsessions/limerence comes from that lol. I'll try to stop fantasizing. It just makes me so happy to fantasize but then I get my hopes up and then get let down every single time. One day at a time I suppose. Thank you.

 

[Sleeper System]

When people are not in the same head space as you they will often distance themselves because in general we like to see ourselves in our friends like a mirror image. It's clear you are becoming less desirable to him as a friend based on his actions and your description of the situation.

Also, I never believed in male/female friendship. Both genders do this thing where when we have a connection to somebody but we don't want to fully commit, so you just keep them around just incase. A little dm here. A little hang out there. Never really deciding. Staying in limbo until eventually one of them just cuts the other off.

I know what it's like to be that needy person. I've always felt like a third wheel in my friend groups. Even today. But I just don't place heavy value in friendship anymore. I do the important things alone. It's sad but reality.

My advice is keep being who you are. If you're lucky you might find someone worthy of your loyalty. Worse case scenerio... you end up alone. but we're all very much alone anyway.

 

[iji]

I'm checking my dms to see if he has answered my messages. He will go hours without opening my shit but he will be online... He can go days without talking to me and I can't with him. I have tried the whole distancing away from him and it drove me straight into a 5150.

You don't seem to have asked for suggestion, but I'm sorry for you so I'll do.

Simple. If he doesn't want anything with you, be direct with him and message him you'll distance yourself from him for your well being. Then delete all conversation you have with this person and anything you may have that reminds you of him, and block him everywhere. Keep yourself busy by improving yourself. Workout, work, school... Move on with life.

Give it some months to a year, and you'll forget about him. For real, you already seem to be very aware this is not healthy for you. Do this now to avoid further damage to your mental health.

 

[R_N]

By reducing a human body to what it is. By devaluing your strong feelings and humanly desires until they fade out enough to not bother you as much.

But then, you become an observer. And everything you or others experience lose its value.

I am not sure I recommend this but it offers a different perspective on this life.

 

[kunikuzushi]

I know it's so so so difficult going through this cycle with people. I go through something similar over and over for my whole life and it's hell. I don't really have advice on how to detach from people. It's like a magical power keeps us from stopping our obsessions/dependency. Something that helps me ease the pain temporarily is focusing completely on a hobby because it makes me feel like I have at least a little worth without needing someone else. Just me. Although the feeling goes away quickly. Another not so great method is just meeting a bunch of new people, just so you can remind yourself that you can find good things in lots of people, not just the person you're obsessed with. These don't really get rid of the pain, and they're very difficult, but I hope they can help you cope a little.