How do you prepare your children?

[Givingupandgivingin]

I absolutely 100% want to die. For me it would be the best option.
I am a disgusting ugly failure and living with myself is absolutely unbearable. It's living with the person I hate most in the world with no prospect of getting away from them unless I'm dead.
I have a good plan - I know insulin isn't super reliable but combined with sleeping tablets and a large amount of alcohol (which would reduce effectiveness of any medical intervention) plus my timing (around 9 hours at least before being found) I'm really hopeful it would work for me. I'm really insulin sensitive and usually take around 18u a day but if I had 200u plus or more I can't see how that's survivable. I fucking hope not.
My only concern now is my kids. I do think longer term they will be better without me but my daughter is 7 and I think initially will be really upset. She loves me a lot - as all kids love their parents, even if their parent is an absolute loser - how do I help her? Do I just try and disengage now as much as possible. I have a date in mind - I've got about ten weeks. This is because I'm waiting until after Christmas and her birthday and also because I've got some work stuff to tie up (ironically I work in mental health and people rely on me).
My partner will be upset too but I am absolutely certain it will be better for them when I am dead as I won't be holding them back.
I really cannot wait. It's the only thing getting me through the day at the moment. I just feel guilty when my daughter talks about next year or holidays or the future. She's so innocent. My son is 14 and probably won't be as fussed about my dying.
Really I was hoping for a terminal illness which would take this out of my hands but so far no luck.

Best to disengage now as much as possible? So she's more used to me not being around?

 

[KillerIsMe]

Don't bother trying to be nice about it. You can do what you want but don't try and pretend that there's a way to do this that won't ruin her life. To believe otherwise is just self delusion.

I don't know. Make sure she knows mommy/daddy loves her before you rip yourself away from her forever?

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Not to be rude, but no matter how you look at it, your children are going to end up traumatized. There isn't really anyway to prepare them for their parent dying, especially when it's as a result of suicide. I understand that you really want to ctb but you are going to end up fucking up your children in the process, no matter what you do.

I don't mean to sound like a pro-lifer, but I really feel like you should think this over.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

I have kids as well. There is no preparing kids for your suicide. Just accept the fact that it will mess them up, but having a suicidal parent stick around will also mess them up. No easy way around it. I plan on jumping after the holidays as well. You can PM me if you're able or if you want to talk.

 

[Kore]

While carrying some heavy judgemental tones, I do agree with the core of this

Don't bother trying to be nice about it. You can do what you want but don't try and pretend that there's a way to do this that won't ruin her life. To believe otherwise is just self delusion.

I don't know. Make sure she knows mommy/daddy loves her before you rip yourself away from her forever?

there's no way to sugar coat it, no way to prepare anyone for what they'll go through. Especially regarding your daughter, kids very often tend to feel guilt when a parent is lost/moved on for any reason, simply because they aren't yet old enough to understand the wider concepts of the world. They think somehow they were the problem, they did something wrong.

Were I in your shoes I would do the complete opposite of what you're suggesting; instead of pulling away from her, already creating that sense of hurt and self-questioning and guilt… I'd spend every last moment with her.

Also no matter the relationship you have with your son, he 100% will be affected, in a big way, permanently. His friends will all know. It will lay a foundation for what his future will be built on. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty here, just highlight the truth of the matter.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Diddo. You either have to accept that you will destroy them or find a way to cope with the fact that you brought children into this world and press on. Maybe even be the bigger person and digging deep to try and find a way to repair things with your spouse. Maybe get on some kind of medication that will make your life tolerable and yourself tolerable to the people around. If you do decide to follow through, make as many vivid and postive core memories with them as you can before you do.

 

[PanaxMan]

I absolutely 100% want to die. For me it would be the best option.
I am a disgusting ugly failure and living with myself is absolutely unbearable. It's living with the person I hate most in the world with no prospect of getting away from them unless I'm dead.
I have a good plan - I know insulin isn't super reliable but combined with sleeping tablets and a large amount of alcohol (which would reduce effectiveness of any medical intervention) plus my timing (around 9 hours at least before being found) I'm really hopeful it would work for me. I'm really insulin sensitive and usually take around 18u a day but if I had 200u plus or more I can't see how that's survivable. I fucking hope not.
My only concern now is my kids. I do think longer term they will be better without me but my daughter is 7 and I think initially will be really upset. She loves me a lot - as all kids love their parents, even if their parent is an absolute loser - how do I help her? Do I just try and disengage now as much as possible. I have a date in mind - I've got about ten weeks. This is because I'm waiting until after Christmas and her birthday and also because I've got some work stuff to tie up (ironically I work in mental health and people rely on me).
My partner will be upset too but I am absolutely certain it will be better for them when I am dead as I won't be holding them back.
I really cannot wait. It's the only thing getting me through the day at the moment. I just feel guilty when my daughter talks about next year or holidays or the future. She's so innocent. My son is 14 and probably won't be as fussed about my dying.
Really I was hoping for a terminal illness which would take this out of my hands but so far no luck.

Best to disengage now as much as possible? So she's more used to me not being around?

Damn, it'll be the same thing with my 14 year old sister. I've already disconnected with her since I Was kicked out (I am 20 btw). I just can't imagine them being your own children. Hope you find your peace.

 

[figurehead]

I absolutely 100% want to die. For me it would be the best option.
I am a disgusting ugly failure and living with myself is absolutely unbearable. It's living with the person I hate most in the world with no prospect of getting away from them unless I'm dead.
I have a good plan - I know insulin isn't super reliable but combined with sleeping tablets and a large amount of alcohol (which would reduce effectiveness of any medical intervention) plus my timing (around 9 hours at least before being found) I'm really hopeful it would work for me. I'm really insulin sensitive and usually take around 18u a day but if I had 200u plus or more I can't see how that's survivable. I fucking hope not.
My only concern now is my kids. I do think longer term they will be better without me but my daughter is 7 and I think initially will be really upset. She loves me a lot - as all kids love their parents, even if their parent is an absolute loser - how do I help her? Do I just try and disengage now as much as possible. I have a date in mind - I've got about ten weeks. This is because I'm waiting until after Christmas and her birthday and also because I've got some work stuff to tie up (ironically I work in mental health and people rely on me).
My partner will be upset too but I am absolutely certain it will be better for them when I am dead as I won't be holding them back.
I really cannot wait. It's the only thing getting me through the day at the moment. I just feel guilty when my daughter talks about next year or holidays or the future. She's so innocent. My son is 14 and probably won't be as fussed about my dying.
Really I was hoping for a terminal illness which would take this out of my hands but so far no luck.

Best to disengage now as much as possible? So she's more used to me not being around?

I honestly think that no preparation is enough when it comes to our children. Same, I don't think they can get used not to having us around. Unless, of course your source of trauma and despair, when they actually prefer that we disappear. I've got only one daughter, 14. She's always known that mummy is bipolar and that affects her behaviour deeply. But it was only some years ago that she overheard me saying that I wanted to kill myself. I've never seen so afraid, she wasn't sure what it was, but she asked me to be close to her, she was terrified.
Recently she had cancer (overcame!) and for the first time I feared death. Before that, I felt in control of death somehow, but since then I feel at a loss. All this to say that I identify with your worry, but the more I identify myself the least I'm actually able to say. I certainly understand your wish for death, but it's not possible to ignore the effect I'll have on my kid.