As my time here draws nearly the end, I find myself at a loss for words on how to respond to these threads. I'm expecting my SN this weekend, and I can honestly say that SI is kicking my ass right now, knowing what I'm about to do. There is a part of me that's starting to think I can fight, even though I'm 100% sure I want out. SI is a bitch.
As I waited for my N, my SI was completely gone, I was just anxious it wouldn't work out. But when it got here, the possibility to just finish my life easily, with no suffering any minute, that's what really changed things for me. That feeling of being in control of your own death is both a blessing and a curse... It made me feel so much more relieved, but so much more scared at the same time.
Yes, and I know I'm going to be terrified when I do it. I plan to go stone cold sober. I'm sure I'm going to freak the fuck out when the blood starts pouring out. I may skip that safety step. The bullet is so much quicker, but I want assurances that I'll die.
That is very brave... I am still pondering of whether I want to be drunk or high when I do it, or completely sober too. On one hand, I have imagined death so many times and I want to actually experience it being completely in my right mind. On the other hand, the drugs might help me persevere through the SI. What is the safety step you have in mind?
Damn, I know exactly what you mean.
When I plan, I come up with something first, then go over and over it, picking it to pieces until I begin to doubt it, which is fucking annoying.
Ah exactly... Overthinking is definitely not a best friend when it comes to a planned suicide... :(
you should listen to your SI it means your not ready
When at peace with the decision there wont be any
I see your point there, but I'd still like to disagree. I have been going through ups and downs like this for so so so many years. It has completely exhausted me, I feel like a half-dead dog being dragged by the rest of the sled crew. And it is indescribably painful to live on like this. Knowing that, even though the ups do come back, they become lower and lower each time and the downs get deeper and darker.
That's how I know that this SI is not something I should be considering as "not being ready".
the times i attempted i never had any SI at all but there was no plan i only knew i was going ahead a few moments before, well maybe the days preceding there was a fair idea but nothing concrete just a building intensity
i do believe once you have tried to fix tings so many times and failed there is just acceptance left and no SI but i accept we are all different beings with unique psyche
positive vibes
Exactly, we all experience this in a different way. My own previous attempts were more silly than anything else. But in the mean time, my birthday wish while blowing the candles has been to die of natural causes since I was 14.
Lose more hope. Sink deeper until there's only blackness. This would be ideal. Problem is, if you don't hide completely from the world, there will always be more light. A bigger problem for me is - I don't want my darkness to ruin the light for anyone else. My survival instinct would be nonexistent if it doesn't extend beyond myself, onto my parents, my brother, my friend, my nephews. Every time I see my nephew I'm reminded of myself, of how fragile and insecure I always was and I'm paralyzed by the fear of my act influencing his decisions in the future. I see my niece and the innocent way in which she looks at me and idolizes me beyond any reason and I can't help but feel the need to stay alive, so I can keep her sense of security intact. I care infinitely more about their lives than I care about mine.
My survival instinct revolves around this question - am I willing to live a life that I hate for the sake of someone else? I feel morally obligated to do so but at the same time I'm convinced that this is too much to ask of a person.
That definitely makes sense. At this point, I know I
need to do it for myself. But like you, I have someone holding me back. It is very nice of you to think so far ahead about your niece. I think the suicide of way more distant people has affected my mental health too. However, I am already beyond the point of caring about others. Not even my mom. I know it is a harsh thing to say, but in the end they do not have to live my life and feel the way I feel all the time.
The only thing that is holding me back are my cats, which are not even human, but for me that makes it even more difficult. Because they could not ever understand what I am going through, so they could not help me (as could the people in my life). That's why, for me personally, it is more difficult to leave them then the people around me.
One of my problems is motivation. Im so damn depressed that I barely have the motivation to even CTB and when the depression lifts enough for me to get motivated to set everything up I start questioning if I want to do it or not.
My plan is to just try to go onto autopilot,set a date (probably this weekend) and just go through the motions without thinking. Rig the rope,put head in noose,hang.
I think that the less we think about it the better,which is one of the problems with this forum. It's so easy to get lost in endless researching that we never actually get around to doing.
Ah that sounds like a vicious cycle of lack of motivation and the questioning...
And thank you, that is a helpful advice! Along with making piece with the little SI voice, not overthinking it might definitely make things easier. I love making plans and following through them, so I might just pretend this is one of my casual planned activities.
I feel exactly the same, I plan to write down all my mistakes to reinforce to myself that my life is a total failure and not recoverable and that fate has never been kind to me, write down how happy and different my life could have been if I hadn't made so many bad decisions, have photos of people I've seen on the Web who have actually had the courage to CTB- going to try and get some perspective and realize my existence really doesn't matter and it's just blind luck that I'm on this Planet- I'm hoping these things, thorough preparation and a big bottle of vodka will give me the courage to complete
Thank you, that is good advice. I thought of making a similar list - reasons why I don't want to keep on living vs the ones I do. I'm sure the former will be way way longer, which will bring some comfort. And watching people CTB, especially using the same method as I will, definitely helps as well.
Don't know. Do something so terrible it forces you past the point of no return? I think quite a lot of murder suicides are actually because of this.
Hmm to me, spending all my money was the most terrible thing I could think of. I could never hurt anyone else just because of my desperation. But maybe doing more personal things that are on my to-do-before-ctb list will work in a similar way.
