How do you live without your child

[feelinggloomy]

I lost my son and I don't want to live. I don't see a path forward and no one seems to understand. After it happened people reached out. Then time passed and they went on with their lives. But I'm stuck in grief and loss and I can think of nothing but CTB. It's lonely. All of it is lonely.

 

[Csmith8827]

I haven't lost a son...I don't have kids...but I live with my mom. I can't really relate to losing a family member or someone super close to you exactly but I know the experience of losing something precious or dear to you and feeling like you can't replace or fix it. Does that make sense? I know it's absolutely devastating at first but you try to cope and stuff the best you can. I basically became an alcoholic after my loss and my life took this crazy blur for like at least a decade after. Like... I'll never get those days or time back but life is honestly crazy and unpredictable. We roll with the punches and do the best we can. This isn't going to bring your son back but just trying to do whatever you can to cope through another day is totally understandable and fine in my book. I wish you well and I'm sorry for your loss. Losing something or someone that you can't replace is really devastating. It gets better with time though...at least it has for me... you kinda learn to let go. Everything in life is fleeting...none of this is permanent... it's all going to fade and pass away anyway. I hope the this helps.

 

[divinemistress36]

@karmaisabitch

 

[karmaisabitch]

I haven't lost a son...I don't have kids...but I live with my mom. I can't really relate to losing a family member or someone super close to you exactly but I know the experience of losing something precious or dear to you and feeling like you can't replace or fix it. Does that make sense? I know it's absolutely devastating at first but you try to cope and stuff the best you can. I basically became an alcoholic after my loss and my life took this crazy blur for like at least a decade after. Like... I'll never get those days or time back but life is honestly crazy and unpredictable. We roll with the punches and do the best we can. This isn't going to bring your son back but just trying to do whatever you can to cope through another day is totally understandable and fine in my book. I wish you well and I'm sorry for your loss. Losing something or someone that you can't replace is really devastating. It gets better with time though...at least it has for me... you kinda learn to let go. Everything in life is fleeting...none of this is permanent... it's all going to fade and pass away anyway. I hope the this helps.

I don't think what I'm feeling will fade away.. I heard it will get worsened because the more I live the more I acknowledge the fact that's my son is gone.. right now I'm still living the nightmare I feel like I'm not awake yet.. every time I remember my brain distract me with something.. what you're saying makes sense and you could be right but how I'm hurt now I don't see light or future

I lost my son and I don't want to live. I don't see a path forward and no one seems to understand. After it happened people reached out. Then time passed and they went on with their lives. But I'm stuck in grief and loss and I can think of nothing but CTB. It's lonely. All of it is lonely.

Everyone will move forward but not the mother. The parent who lost a child die twice, the day her son died and her actual death I'm so sorry for your loss!

 

[feelinggloomy]

I have to agree that a mom dies twice. Once when the child and then when they actually die. It doesn't get better … it gets different. For me I was in shock for over a year and that time was bearable. Then when I realized that I was grieving what would never be… I realized this is forever. Every boy/man I see, every career move, every marriage …. It's all what my son will never have. So it's everywhere I go. I can't be around other families with same age kids, including relatives ….its all a reminder. I have a step daughter and I'm having trouble engaging with her because she is alive and my son isn't. It sounds so ugly but it's my truth.

 

[SecretAgent420]

Hello there so sorry to read what you're going through, I'm a dad I have a 3 year old daughter and I can just imagine I would feel the same way. I really don't think you get over your child's death you just accept it, and yes easier said than done. I hope you seek professional help, if you didn't have chronic depression before this then there's a possibility that therapy and medication can help you.
How old was your son if you don't mind me asking? I know age may be irrelevant but I feel I would be more hurt if they weren't even adults yet.

 

[foolbastar24]

I'm so sorry, like they say no parent should ever have to outlive their child. I'm no expert or anything but maybe since you have a step daughter you might try to connect to her. Nothing will ever take your pain away but children are amazing at sympathizing. She might be your light of hope right now.
Giving my best wishes to you

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I can't imagine losing a child. I doubt you ever truly get over it. I think you just kind of move forward as best you can. I don't have any children, but I can't imagine grief and pain much worse. Once upon a time, I had a child "on it's way". It was the 4th month of pregnancy and my then fiancé miscarried. That's not the same thing as having a child born and meeting them, though. I hope you can, somehow, find your peace, OP.

 

[feelinggloomy]

I appreciate all of your responses. My son was 22 and was just starting his life. That makes it really hard coz I was excited to watch his journey that he had planned from the time he was young. Only a short time has passed but as the shock wears off life is just brutal. Losing your child … just not the way things are supposed to work ya know

 

[Not A Fan]

I worry about my mom after I ctb. I think I'll be doing the right thing though. She would be more stressed out if I was homeless. I'm also 38 and have failed miserably navigating a society organized around commerce, so a lost cause altogether. But just reading this post is making me think about my poor mother, and making me feel quite bad. Like she didn't do anything to deserve the trauma I am going to inevitably cause. From what everyone says, having to outlive your child is the worst thing in the world. I also don't think she would want to me force myself to suffer just to remain a burden to others for even longer. Why would someone want that? I don't know sorry this fucks with my head bad

 

[feelinggloomy]

I don't think my son, who was not a parent, could possibly conceive of the pain that would result from his CTB .. for me. He knew I loved him deeply and when he would tell me he planned to CTB I would respond by telling him how sad I would be without him but I never asked him to stay for me. I could not as he was in terrible emotional pain. I believe he knew it would be hard for me and that I would be devistated. But I also believe his depression and OCD took over and became unbearable and he stayed as long as he could. So yeah a mom outliving her son is the worst possible thing that could happen to her but also …. There is an acknowledgment that the child was in unbearable pain. A mom can carry both …

 

[Not A Fan]

I don't think my son, who was not a parent, could possibly conceive of the pain that would result from his CTB .. for me. He knew I loved him deeply and when he would tell me he planned to CTB I would respond by telling him how sad I would be without him but I never asked him to stay for me. I could not as he was in terrible emotional pain. I believe he knew it would be hard for me and that I would be devistated. But I also believe his depression and OCD took over and became unbearable and he stayed as long as he could. So yeah a mom outliving her son is the worst possible thing that could happen to her but also …. There is an acknowledgment that the child was in unbearable pain. A mom can carry both …

Wow.. so he had actually talked to about his plans before actually doing it. I really wish I could do the same, but I learned not to tell my mom about anything negative in life because it stresses her out, and she thinks that I only "shoot down every solution." So even though I feel it would be the courteous and considerate thing to do, to give my mom and other family members notice on what I am planning, ultimately I don't think it would be helpful. There's simply nothing that can be said that would make any difference. I can't ever seem to figure out how to approach this problem.

 

[feelinggloomy]

Yeah my son was very forthcoming which was good in that I knew he was chronically suicidal and was doing everything he could to stay alive. It was minute to minute. But it was also very hard to hear him speak of his inevitable death. I would not trade knowing for anything but I was left with a lot of trauma. But I suppose it was worth it as he needed to end his terrible pain. I understand but my heart is broken and will never ever mend

 

[JezebelDuLioncourt]

I feel your pain. I have always known that I will not survive my baby girl's passing over the rainbow bridge. "When you go, I go," was the solemn truth I had uttered many a time during those times when I was overcome by my love for her, the bond between us, her beauty and goodness.

She left this physical realm almost one-and-a-half years ago. The grief has only intensified, never lessened.

When I fly back to California this November, I will get another PET scan. If my cancer is back, I will apply for MAID. If not, then I will use the SN I have waiting for me in some cool, dry, and dark corner in my bedroom, still in its original packaging.

It's only four months away. But every moment is a God-damned moment when one is suffering from this God-damned fate.

I get you. There is no other loss after the loss of one's Beloved. There is no other loss.

 

[Daydream Believer]

I send you love, light and hugs. Your pain must be unbearable. I am so sorry for your loss