Venting how do you live with the knowledge your mother genuinely thinks you're evil?

[charlottewilts]

(title is a rhetorical question. i don't actually intend to live with it longer than i can help myself.)

i overheard her saying that to my father last night, he remarried and they never talk unless i had a suicide attempt they found out about or do something absolutely insane when i'm manic.

she thinks that i'm a horrible person and that everything i do, i do to hurt her. i struggled very much with symptoms of autism as a child, before i learned how to mask. i can pass off perfectly now, when i have the energy. but she always thought that i was being inane on purpose, because i hated her.

meanwhile, whenever i tell her i'm gonna kill herself, she always says "parents should never have to bury their children".

but she abused me when i was a kid. hit me, slapped, dug her nails into my flesh until she drew blood, chased with a knife, tried to break my neck over the bedframe. always told me i was ugly, stupid, fat, worthless. often tells me she regrets not aborting me, to which i always reply, i regret it very much as well.

i know neither of my parents actually love me. they just wish i was normal so i wouldn't damage their reputation. i'm actually pretty glad they don't, as i can kill myself with no worries about making someone ruminate over my death. i see a lot of members struggling with the thought of hurting their loved ones. please don't take this as yet another meaningless platitude, i truly and earnestly implore you to reach out to your family and friends and tell them you're struggling. don't isolate yourself. love could help you heal.

 

[FuneralCry]

Some people really are so cruel, that sounds so horrifying what you went through, no one should have to suffer like that. I hope you find relief from your suffering in whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Insomniac]

please don't take this as yet another meaningless platitude, i truly and earnestly implore you to reach out to your family and friends and tell them you're struggling. don't isolate yourself. love could help you heal.

I'll do it if you do it.

 

[Red]

It's hard to get a foothold in life when you've been brought up by terrible parents. It really messes you up to a point where it's hard to be functional. Yet they seem to forget what they did and just blame you for the disability they caused.

Like saying to someone, "why can't you run?" when they hobbled you when you were a child.

Your mother sounds like a complete narcissist, I'm sorry you had to deal with that, especially as a child when you have no coping skills. People should take the responsibility of parenthood far more seriously instead of a big ol' power trip.

 

[LittleJem]

My mum called me the devil incarnate as a small child. LSD helped me - but it was at a party and I realised that I was not hated by everyone. It kind of colours everything when your mum does this to you.

@Red exactly that. My family entirely blame me for my illness. My mum is a total narcissist. Everyone else blames me for being depressed and disorganised when I actually achieved a lot, considering my illness and my trauma.

But I'm getting to the point where enough is enough.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

•My mum called someone I know a devil among other so many other terrible things.

•She hates my sister in law who is her daughter in law and blames her for a lot of things.

•She thinks something is wrong with all of her kids

•She said she never planned and was never happy when she found out she was pregnant with any of us.

•She was just tired with us all and she wanted to die and disappear.

• She hated men and says that hey were all horrible to her

• Criticised my sister (3rd) of her behaviour and nasty attitude to her sister (my auntie) and she said my auntie even agreed with her.

• Criticise her sisters for not being there for her and even criticise them for only wanting to highlight ( my and my siblings failures) whilst hiding of their kids failures.

• Called her dead husband a crazie and sometime an amazing person ( confusion and confusion here)

• Called my nieces evil if they had indeed spoken to the devil ( in truth they did but she was later lied to) I wonder what other names she will call them if she was to ever find out the real truth of the whole mess. I know she will feel so stupid and easily gullible.

The list can go on and on but I'm just tired of typing it all…

 

[Forever Sleep]

From what you've said, your Mum sounds to be the one more prone to 'evil' acts. Do you know why she behaved like she did? Do you view her as 'evil' or, a product of her own upbringing and struggles in life? I think I would be tempted to think that- maybe even say that: To an extent- we are all products of our environments. Ie. 'Why do you suppose I behave the way I do?' I'm tempted sometimes to say that to my Dad- my shortcomings in your eyes are partly down to stuff that happened in my childhood. That you had control over to a certain extent- you were the adult. (Nothing bad he did by the way- more- a unwillingness to intervene between a very likely narcisist and me.)

Depends really- if you want to show compassion to your Mum. Have you ever told her that the outburts you had as a child were down to autism rather than a hatred for her? Have you ever apologised for them? (Not saying you should feel the need to- I don't know.) Still- it sounds very much like she wants always to be seen as the victim. So- I'm not sure any of it would do any good.

I think to try to reconcile with it though- you maybe need to think about what her motives are. You may never understand the 'why' behind it. From what you've said though- it seems like she wants to feel like she's being persecuted the whole time. She's always the victim. So- to fit that narrative- it makes sense that you (and others I expect) are the evil ones and have been sent here to torment her. I think it would help to realise this crazyness is more about her than it is about you.

Honestly- when I found out about narcissism- I was so relieved. It described so many of the (crazy) behaviours of one of my family members- it made me feel better. It suddenly made more sense. I definitely think you should find out about narcissism- if you aren't already familiar with it. The YouTube channels: 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy' and 'Live Abuse Free' I've found are very good for discussing CPTSD, narcissism and trauma.

 

[Baron]

I will never get how you feel since I've had the privilege to not be born with such a mother, but I can share my opinion. I think there's just people like her, stubborn, not able to accept things as they are, if they don't like them. Not able to change the way of their thinking. Her actions may be a way to cope with the feelings she has about you. I think there is no reason to even try to talk to them at this point, since they don't even want to understand you. My father used me to relieve his pent up stress sometimes, shouting at me or hitting me for the craziest reasons. In the end, I left him. I think leaving them and creating a distance between your parents and yourself can benefit both parties and help them reflect on their actions. I feel way more at ease not having my father around in my everyday life,although I could never imagine making up with him right now. I hope you somehow manage to at least get on better terms with your parents.