Help how do you know if you’re having a breakdown

[ghostspace]

I don't know who else to talk to because I feel like I'm bothering everyone on here and like people really hate me and I do everything wrong. I know that's probably just my skewed perception but I'm so scared right now because I keep wanting to hurt myself and last time I needed stitches and I don't want to damage my body like that again.

I don't want to come off as attention-seeking or like I want a ton of reassurance, it just feels like something broke in my brain and I can't stop crying and pacing and doing things I usually never, ever do which scares me. im scared im so scared i can't think, everything is crushing me.

I feel sick and scared and alone. I've been having migraines every day or every other day for about a month now and it's making me want to impulsively CTB because when it's bad I can't even come on here because screens hurt to look at. So then I'm really alone.

I feel like a horrible person, I just want to talk to my (ex) friend one last time before I go this month, but she made it clear she wants no contact and I'm going to respect that. I don't want her to think it was because of her even if it does have to do with that, it's not anyone's fault that I can't tolerate this much hurting. I deserve it because these are the consequences to the horrible things I did to lose her, but I'm disgusting and weak and can't take it.

I finally talked about trauma in therapy today after two years of avoiding anything of substance. I feel like I'm making it all up and making a big deal out of nothing and also it was so triggering that I want to go walk in the dark until someone murders me. I wanted to scream at my therapist to shut up even though i was the one who brought it up. it hurts so much it's never going to stop hurting.

I just want my friend. I just want my friend back because she was always always here and now she's not in my life anymore and she was the last person I had. i hurt her. that's the worst thing i've ever done, i hurt her so much and it will never be okay.

I don't want to worry my family and don't want them to know i'm hurting myself and that I feel crazy right now, like nothing is real but the traumatic things are still happening?? i can feel it physically feel it i want to cut the feeling out of me because it makes me feel like i'm going to be sick.

i keep remembering all the good memories and thinking about how i poisoned it all.

i want to run away and hitchhike and disappear. i don't deserve anything, i need everyone to know how horrible I am. I can't stop crying, it's so quiet here, i don't know what to do, i can't move because im not in my body. im nothing and im so completely alone.
my whole body feels cold and i'm so so sad. i know i was happy at the beginning of the week but that feels far away
it's not okay it's eating me alive and i just want to hurry up time and be gone forever

 

[Stick]

Listen, you do not deserve to be punished for whatever you did. You are respecting your freinds decision, and it doesn't sound like you are continuing to hurt them. Punishment is to keep a person from continuing to do what they were doing, depression isn't going to turn you into some magical saint of a person. You don't deserve to feel unhappy. And, It's okay to want reassurance or to want attention. Wanting to be comforted or heard is not wrong. It is okay. It is good.
I can't help you, and I can't understand everything you've experienced but I feel you. I'm sorry this is happening to you, ghost.

 

[Lilacmoon]

I wish I could do more to help you. You seem like such a person I would have loved to get to know. You are going through an awful time, and it is normal to want attention. I love getting attention, and I am an attention whore! You write wonderfully and you always seem articulate and gentle. You deserve better.

It's probably not anything worthwhile but here, have a hug <3

 

[Insertname1]

I wouldn't say you're "attention seeking" we on here exist for this reason, a place to vent and a place to seek help, you can always PM me if you need to chat about anything

 

[Emily_Numb]

This thread is a totally different tone to your other thread. Here you seem like you want to live but just need support, the other thread you are asking for fashion advice on your CTB outfit?! I'm genuinely baffled by the 'help me pick my Suicide outfit' and it's got to be one of the most poor taste things I've ever seen on here. Honestly.

You are clearly not ready to CTB. This thread tells me and anyone with an ounce of maturity and insight that.

Yes you want attention. But I think only you know why this is so important to you. My suggestion would be to get I touch with this friend and see if you can resolve the issue as this seems to be causing you a great deal of angst. If this friend chooses to not have for tact with you when you try to reach out again, perhaps you need to step back and think what you did that would cause them to feel like this and try to work on those shortcomings.

I know you are struggling, your thought pattern is all over the place. I think you need to put some energy into one thing at a time and try and calm the noise in your head.

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm sorry you're having a hard day. I get days like that too sometimes. Is there anything you could do to help yourself calm down? A walk, or a hot shower, or some tasty snacks? Reach out anytime you want to talk. It's not annoying in the slightest, and I'm always happy to talk to you. Many hugs to you, I hope you feel better soon.

 

[ghostspace]

This thread is a totally different tone to your other thread. Here you seem like you want to live but just need support, the other thread you are asking for fashion advice on your CTB outfit?! I'm genuinely baffled by the 'help me pick my Suicide outfit' and it's got to be one of the most poor taste things I've ever seen on here. Honestly.

You are clearly not ready to CTB. This thread tells me and anyone with an ounce of maturity and insight that.

Yes you want attention. But I think only you know why this is so important to you. My suggestion would be to get I touch with this friend and see if you can resolve the issue as this seems to be causing you a great deal of angst. If this friend chooses to not have for tact with you when you try to reach out again, perhaps you need to step back and think what you did that would cause them to feel like this and try to work on those shortcomings.

I know you are struggling, your thought pattern is all over the place. I think you need to put some energy into one thing at a time and try and calm the noise in your head.

No, the friend doesn't want contact. I'm set to CTB this month. I'm already in therapy and have resolved the things that caused us to not be friends years ago, it's just only this year that i came clean to her about the past. it's complicated

I'm having a hard night and am all over the place. thanks for saying it's in poor taste. I don't want to live. I'm not CTB for weeks, so I do need support right now to get through these nights and self harm less.

I started making the thread about what outfit to wear and then completely broke down because im so sad for my life and my family. I know I need to do this and I've been ready to for a while, but there's a lot going on that i don't have the energy to type about.

you literally know nothing about me. it's really hurtful to say that you think im obviously not ready to CTB when you have no idea what i'm going through, what my diagnoses are, or how they affect me.

im on a new med and it's not working for me, I think it's just making everything worse. please please be more considerate, I'm not thinking clearly right now

 

[Insertname1]

No, the friend doesn't want contact. I'm set to CTB this month. I'm already in therapy and have resolved the things that caused us to not be friends years ago, it's just only this year that i came clean to her about the past. it's complicated

I'm having a hard night and am all over the place. thanks for saying it's in poor taste. I don't want to live. I'm not CTB for weeks, so I do need support right now to get through these nights and self harm less.

I started making the thread about what outfit to wear and then completely broke down because im so sad for my life and my family. I know I need to do this and I've been ready to for a while, but there's a lot going on that i don't have the energy to type about.

you literally know nothing about me. it's really hurtful to say that you think im obviously not ready to CTB when you have no idea what i'm going through, what my diagnoses are, or how they affect me.

im on a new med and it's not working for me, I think it's just making everything worse. please please be more considerate, I'm not thinking clearly right now

I agree that persons comment was abit harsh, peoples mood can change in an instant, just ignore that comment if you can and don't let it get to you

 

[Emily_Numb]

I agree that persons comment was abit harsh, peoples mood can change in an instant, just ignore that comment if you can and don't let it get to you

Not harsh. My opinion. I don't really think talking fashion advice about suicide is what this place is designed for. CTB and suicidal ideation is something serious that we are all battling with on here. It's not a fashion show or something to be glamourised.

 

[Insertname1]

Not harsh. My opinion. I don't really think talking fashion advice about suicide is what this place is designed for. CTB and suicidal ideation is something serious that we are all battling with on here. It's not a fashion show or something to be glamourised.

Well maybe word it abit differently coz it came off as harsh. I get what you were saying, but it was worded so wrong, someone a few days ago posted something similar and it got positive comments

 

[ghostspace]

I agree that persons comment was abit harsh, peoples mood can change in an instant, just ignore that comment if you can and don't let it get to you

thank you insertname. i'm not myself right now and it's scary

Not harsh. My opinion. I don't really think talking fashion advice about suicide is what this place is designed for. CTB and suicidal ideation is something serious that we are all battling with on here. It's not a fashion show or something to be glamourised.

it's not about a Fashion Show.

it's about feeling comfortable and safe when it's time for me to CTB. I have OCD and if things don't feel 'right' or comfortable and safe, it makes me panic. i was just asking people's opinions because i trust people on here to be nonjudgmental even if my thought process is unusual or irrational.

my CTB is mine, I'm allowed to do everything it takes to feel safe and secure in my own body, which is really hard for me

I wish I could do more to help you. You seem like such a person I would have loved to get to know. You are going through an awful time, and it is normal to want attention. I love getting attention, and I am an attention whore! You write wonderfully and you always seem articulate and gentle. You deserve better.

It's probably not anything worthwhile but here, have a hug <3

you can still get to know me, theres time and I like you, too ♡ this med has messed me up and I'm probably gonna be horrified once it wears off.

your words brought me comfort, thank you. it means everything when things are hurting as much as they are now, it's like a little oasis in a storm

 

[Iwantoknow]

It sounds like you are in a lot of hurt right now and I wish I was able to help you.
I can relate to you saying that you feel alone.

How do you think your family would react if you told them you are hurting yourself and how you are really feeling right now?

 

[ghostspace]

It sounds like you are in a lot of hurt right now and I wish I was able to help you.
I can relate to you saying that you feel alone.

How do you think your family would react if you told them you are hurting yourself and how you are really feeling right now?

they would be scared because they would be able to tell I'm not myself right now. they're also working or sleeping and I really don't want to worry them, I'm not in danger, just destructive and really scared because my brain doesn't feel right



i love all of you, I really mean that. sometimes when I'm not messed up on medicine, I cry about how grateful i am and how much i love each and every one of you.

if you think no one notices you here or recognizes you, I do, I see you and i love you

 

[Insertname1]

they would be scared because they would be able to tell I'm not myself right now. they're also working or sleeping and I really don't want to worry them, I'm not in danger, just destructive and really scared because my brain doesn't feel right

I knownwhat you mean about been destructive. I get self destructive when I feel vulnerable, its shit isn't it, like you I can't talk to family either, this forum is an escape of sorts

 

[ghostspace]

I knownwhat you mean about been destructive. I get self destructive when I feel vulnerable, its shit isn't it, like you I can't talk to family either, this forum is an escape of sorts

I understand that completely. it's such shit. fuck all of that. I wish we were well.

 

[Insertname1]

I understand that completely. it's such shit. fuck all of that. I wish we were well.

In a perfect world we would be just fine, majority of the time I just feel like I'm the shit on someone's shoe. If you want to vent without judgement or anything like that, my PMs are open :) I'm happy to try to help anyone feel better than I do

 

[Iwantoknow]

they would be scared because they would be able to tell I'm not myself right now. they're also working or sleeping and I really don't want to worry them, I'm not in danger, just destructive and really scared because my brain doesn't feel right

Let me know if I am wrong here but it sounds like you feel like you would be burden to your family right now if you wanted talk with them about how you really feel right now.

 

[ghostspace]

Let me know if I am wrong here but it sounds like you feel like you would be burden to your family right now if you wanted talk with them about how you really feel right now.

not a burden, they just aren't available because of work and school. if they knew how severe this was they'd put that aside but i think i'll be okay without reaching out. they are supportive but can't always understand very well.

and i'll get through this. if I lean on them too much it does take a toll since they have mental health problems as well. i have to kind of choose which things are priority and i need their support and which things i can cope with on my own. i think i can get through the night

 

[Iwantoknow]

not a burden, they just aren't available because of work and school. if they knew how severe this was they'd put that aside but i think i'll be okay without reaching out. they are supportive but can't always understand very well.

and i'll get through this. if I lean on them too much it does take a toll since they have mental health problems as well. i have to kind of choose which things are priority and i need their support and which things i can cope with on my own. i think i can get through the night

Sounds like if you really would need you would be able to ask for support from them. That good.

How long you been going to therapist?

 

[ghostspace]

Sounds like if you really would need you would be able to ask for support from them. That good.

How long you been going to therapist?

this one? two years. therapists in general? 13 years.

 

[Insertname1]

this one? two years. therapists in general? 13 years.

In a way I think therapists are like a diary, except with the power of giving out drugs(and other things) have you been seeing them consistently for 13 years?