I handle rejection like shit. The autism, ADHD, and borderline personality disorder overlap so horribly into the worst rejection sensitivity dysphoria that I have no idea how to handle. It just hurts and I need that hurting to stop, you know?
My beloved of two and a half years has been drawing away from me for a year or so, broke up with me romantically but kept a QPR with me in April, and then finally finished breaking up with me in the middle of June, leaving me to come home to a letter in our apartment saying she doesn't feel the way she once did, that dealing with my mental health and being my biggest support has taken too much of a toll, she sees me changing and getting healthier now but the wounds are too deep and it's too late for her. She did say she's staying in the apartment though. And raising our pets together. It's fucking me up. She's repeatedly moved the bar. Initially she said she'd stay in the apartment, we could do a reset, I could try to befriend her the way I would befriend others as she's currently making new friends and rebuilding her own friend group after a long recovery period... but then it just got harsher and harsher... she said I wasn't trying to be her friend, I was pursuing her as a friend and I don't know what that difference is. She keeps rejecting me further and further and it's killing me. I was confused about her pausing something she was watching to infodump to me because generally that's affectionate and so I asked her about that interaction and she got so upset about needing to continue to explain things to me she's decided now the only way to be fully clear to me about what's going is to refuse to be in the same space as me or speak to me unless it's for the purpose of caring for our pet rats or the apartment. Won't even smoke weed in the smoking space or watch things on the TV that we both enjoy. It's killing me. The other night she said she was put off by me. A mutual friend of ours has dumped our friendship because I'm so frustrated with how unkind and unfair she's being and I want other people in our life to be calling her out on her bullshit.
That she told me she sees my change and my effort and the difference it makes in her life and how she's watching her QOL improve with my effort but her feelings didn't begin changing at all so she gave up is also destroying me.
So much is destroying me.
To be in my loving home with my little family now is to be constantly rejected and stepped on if I try to make any kind of conversation. Is it really that much safer for you to be so cold, my love? Does it really make you feel better? Are you happier in this home now? Is it more comfortable and safe? To deliberately drive me out and raise your hackles and be unkind? She said "I can't keep being that nice to you" the other day in regards to our mutual friend group and me hanging out with them and her. Does it feel better to stop being nice? Does it really save that much energy? I tried to ask "does it really feel better to be mean and cold to your roommate?" and she just ignored me. She ignores a lot of what I say these days. She once was so loving and patient with me. My BPD anxieties and fears weren't an issue and they were kind of funny but now it's exhausting and to her I only ever see her and others as people trying to hurt me (idk, you betrayed my trust when I have a personality disorder around it, kinda hard to put the pin back in that grenade) and can't think well of the people who love me, why is everyone always out to get me, why am I so condescending, etc.
I try so fucking hard. I try to give people opportunities to lay boundaries and even present boundaries to them to lay in case they're not comfortable or the words aren't coming up. But apparently that hasn't mattered, and people I've loved for years did not love me the same way. My beloved (hate calling her my ex) is the worst loss by far, but the friends are close behind.
I am admitted to residential therapy tomorrow. It's honestly a wonderful location that I've been excited for. But the pain of the rejection of the people I love is killing me. That my beloved is likely going to sigh relief when I'm in residential and out of the apartment makes me to want to give up on residential therapy and drink the potassium nitrite I have and finally be done with it all (what stops me right now honestly is the fact that I haven't been fasting and I only have ondansetron and diazepam rather than metoclopramide/propanolol/oxazepam).
How do you handle it? How do you feel you'll ever be loved again? How do you hope that your loved ones will come back after the mistakes you've made and things you've said? How do you deal with it when they fucking don't? The way it sounds my beloved doesn't want to hear a word from me while I'm there, even though I want to send letters. A few of our rats passed away recently (they were both getting old) and we are waiting to do their "funeral" (bonfire at the place she and I met) when I return from residential therapy. I hope for that time to be an olive branch, but I feel like I'm going to get my heart broken and have to go right back to residential therapy. I don't have faith any of my friends are going to visit me while I'm in residential or that they'll wonder about my release date when they haven't heard from me in 90 days or that any of them will reach out via phone/email/letter while I'm there. I have one friend living across the country from me who wants to send me postcards and another friend who... he's still talking to me and tells me that with the exception of my beloved, he believes these other relationships can be repaired, but I'm not confident he'll visit me. My beloved will bring the rats to me so I can see them while I'm there but will only drop them off and pick them up. The only people who are gonna reach out to me and visit me are my blood family, and it's hard to feel that's truly meaningful with that complex knot of feelings and religious trauma and covenants made to seal families together forever (iykyk). Like, do you like me, or are you here because you're my blood?
How do I rebuild? How do I find people who will stay?
And how do I handle the rejection until then?
My beloved of two and a half years has been drawing away from me for a year or so, broke up with me romantically but kept a QPR with me in April, and then finally finished breaking up with me in the middle of June, leaving me to come home to a letter in our apartment saying she doesn't feel the way she once did, that dealing with my mental health and being my biggest support has taken too much of a toll, she sees me changing and getting healthier now but the wounds are too deep and it's too late for her. She did say she's staying in the apartment though. And raising our pets together. It's fucking me up. She's repeatedly moved the bar. Initially she said she'd stay in the apartment, we could do a reset, I could try to befriend her the way I would befriend others as she's currently making new friends and rebuilding her own friend group after a long recovery period... but then it just got harsher and harsher... she said I wasn't trying to be her friend, I was pursuing her as a friend and I don't know what that difference is. She keeps rejecting me further and further and it's killing me. I was confused about her pausing something she was watching to infodump to me because generally that's affectionate and so I asked her about that interaction and she got so upset about needing to continue to explain things to me she's decided now the only way to be fully clear to me about what's going is to refuse to be in the same space as me or speak to me unless it's for the purpose of caring for our pet rats or the apartment. Won't even smoke weed in the smoking space or watch things on the TV that we both enjoy. It's killing me. The other night she said she was put off by me. A mutual friend of ours has dumped our friendship because I'm so frustrated with how unkind and unfair she's being and I want other people in our life to be calling her out on her bullshit.
That she told me she sees my change and my effort and the difference it makes in her life and how she's watching her QOL improve with my effort but her feelings didn't begin changing at all so she gave up is also destroying me.
So much is destroying me.
To be in my loving home with my little family now is to be constantly rejected and stepped on if I try to make any kind of conversation. Is it really that much safer for you to be so cold, my love? Does it really make you feel better? Are you happier in this home now? Is it more comfortable and safe? To deliberately drive me out and raise your hackles and be unkind? She said "I can't keep being that nice to you" the other day in regards to our mutual friend group and me hanging out with them and her. Does it feel better to stop being nice? Does it really save that much energy? I tried to ask "does it really feel better to be mean and cold to your roommate?" and she just ignored me. She ignores a lot of what I say these days. She once was so loving and patient with me. My BPD anxieties and fears weren't an issue and they were kind of funny but now it's exhausting and to her I only ever see her and others as people trying to hurt me (idk, you betrayed my trust when I have a personality disorder around it, kinda hard to put the pin back in that grenade) and can't think well of the people who love me, why is everyone always out to get me, why am I so condescending, etc.
I try so fucking hard. I try to give people opportunities to lay boundaries and even present boundaries to them to lay in case they're not comfortable or the words aren't coming up. But apparently that hasn't mattered, and people I've loved for years did not love me the same way. My beloved (hate calling her my ex) is the worst loss by far, but the friends are close behind.
I am admitted to residential therapy tomorrow. It's honestly a wonderful location that I've been excited for. But the pain of the rejection of the people I love is killing me. That my beloved is likely going to sigh relief when I'm in residential and out of the apartment makes me to want to give up on residential therapy and drink the potassium nitrite I have and finally be done with it all (what stops me right now honestly is the fact that I haven't been fasting and I only have ondansetron and diazepam rather than metoclopramide/propanolol/oxazepam).
How do you handle it? How do you feel you'll ever be loved again? How do you hope that your loved ones will come back after the mistakes you've made and things you've said? How do you deal with it when they fucking don't? The way it sounds my beloved doesn't want to hear a word from me while I'm there, even though I want to send letters. A few of our rats passed away recently (they were both getting old) and we are waiting to do their "funeral" (bonfire at the place she and I met) when I return from residential therapy. I hope for that time to be an olive branch, but I feel like I'm going to get my heart broken and have to go right back to residential therapy. I don't have faith any of my friends are going to visit me while I'm in residential or that they'll wonder about my release date when they haven't heard from me in 90 days or that any of them will reach out via phone/email/letter while I'm there. I have one friend living across the country from me who wants to send me postcards and another friend who... he's still talking to me and tells me that with the exception of my beloved, he believes these other relationships can be repaired, but I'm not confident he'll visit me. My beloved will bring the rats to me so I can see them while I'm there but will only drop them off and pick them up. The only people who are gonna reach out to me and visit me are my blood family, and it's hard to feel that's truly meaningful with that complex knot of feelings and religious trauma and covenants made to seal families together forever (iykyk). Like, do you like me, or are you here because you're my blood?
How do I rebuild? How do I find people who will stay?
And how do I handle the rejection until then?
