How do you get up the courage and drive to plan when you are severely depressed?

[Fedrea]

So I've had what I thought was severe depression for five years but it recently kicked up to very severe. Only then do you realise there's a difference between toying with the idea of ctb and actually being serious about it and having the courage and drive to plan it and go through with it.

It seems to me that all the most peaceful methods require quite a lot of planning and careful research, and of course any method requires courage. But one of the features of my and I suppose some others' depression is that doing even the least demanding task becomes extremely difficult. Another thing I have found is...........my depression developed and worsened due to repeated new onset traumatic or phyiscal health events and the result of this is I became a more and more fearful person over the years, because so much went wrong so fast. But of course what you need to carry this through is courage!

The courage question I guess no one can answer. But how a severely depressed person actually manages to plan a task like a peaceful ctb - that's what I'm wondering.

 

[deadpixels]

Just a few months ago I couldn't manage to get out of bed, I would fall to the ground and stay there for hours, without the energy to get up, no matter how much I tried. You probably understand how it is like to be like this. But now, I have a few moments of "clarity" during the day, I can do some planning and execute it during those periods.

I have been like this for my entire life, alternating from severe depression to mild depression, with the severe peaking roughly every 3 years.

 

[Fedrea]

I'm so sorry deadpixels.........were you like that even as a kid? I had physical health issues but I wasn't depressed at all til my mid 30s, then i just had repeated trauma after trauma. I don't know if that makes me lucky or unlucky to know what it's like not be depressed and compare it to depression...or lucky that I had some time not depressed

 

[deadpixels]

I'm so sorry deadpixels.........were you like that even as a kid? I had physical health issues but I wasn't depressed at all til my mid 30s, then i just had repeated trauma after trauma. I don't know if that makes me lucky or unlucky to know what it's like not be depressed and compare it to depression...or lucky that I had some time not depressed

Yes, but it wasn't that bad. Every new "wave" is worse that the previous. My family tell me that when I was a kid I was a really happy kid and all of a sudden I lost the interest in everything, but I have no memory of that, it was in preschool years. I have a faint memory of something similar but doesn't match the time frame they tell me.

I don't think you're either lucky or unlucky, we can't quantify and compare those kind of experiences, we're the only ones who know what our life is like.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

Damn I really relate to this post. If we are to depressed to get out of bed, then it feels like so much just to actually get up and set the rope up (was going for SN so I could do it in bed but can't obttain it currently)
I also know what it's like not realising how depressed you are until you reach a whole new level and then you're like holy shit!
When my depression is bad, I don't know about you but I physically feel like a heavy sensation in my brain - That's the only clue for me.
Just seems like a lot to get out of bed to hang myself. Anti depressants may help as they gave another person I know motive to end their lives.

 

[Fedrea]

Yes....I've had this heavy sensation for a while...but I had it back when I had moderate depression (which at the time I thought was quite severe!!)

If you're young in particular I hope you'll hang on for things to get better cos they can absolutely turn around. Can be a bit different when you are older with multiple things you can't reverse though I totally respect that we all have our own traumas
How old are you now deadpixels? I don't wanna be a hypocrite but I remember from being young myself I had several friends who were really depressed and they are actually doing well now. At the time I remember not understanding their depression at all, like why is my friend cutting his arm? Well now he's doing really well, sometimes, I know not always, things can turn around for younger people

Yes, but it wasn't that bad. Every new "wave" is worse that the previous. My family tell me that when I was a kid I was a really happy kid and all of a sudden I lost the interest in everything, but I have no memory of that, it was in preschool years. I have a faint memory of something similar but doesn't match the time frame they tell me.

I don't think you're either lucky or unlucky, we can't quantify and compare those kind of experiences, we're the only ones who know what our life is like.

How old are you now deadpixels? I don't wanna be a hypocrite but I remember from being young myself I had several friends who were really depressed and they are actually doing well now. At the time I remember not understanding their depression at all, like why is my friend cutting his arm? Well now he's doing really well, sometimes, I know not always, things can turn around for younger people

Damn I really relate to this post. If we are to depressed to get out of bed, then it feels like so much just to actually get up and set the rope up (was going for SN so I could do it in bed but can't obttain it currently)
I also know what it's like not realising how depressed you are until you reach a whole new level and then you're like holy shit!
When my depression is bad, I don't know about you but I physically feel like a heavy sensation in my brain - That's the only clue for me.
Just seems like a lot to get out of bed to hang myself. Anti depressants may help as they gave another person I know motive to end their lives.

Yes....I've had this heavy sensation for a while...but I had it back when I had moderate depression (which at the time I thought was quite severe!!)

If you're young in particular I hope you'll hang on for things to get better cos they can absolutely turn around. Can be a bit different when you are older with multiple things you can't reverse though I totally respect that we all have our own traumas

 

[I’mDone]

The courage question I guess no one can answer. But how a severely depressed person actually manages to plan a task like a peaceful ctb - that's what I'm wondering.

For me, it was a gradual transition from acute depression and constant misery, to a calm and determined state. Subjectively, I feel *less* unhappy than before I made my exit plans. Objectively I guess I've crossed the line between chronic but functional depression, to severe depression and active suicidality rather than ideation.

I'm able to research methods, buy required components and make arrangements because there is no more doubt in my mind.

 

[tothemoon]

" Only then do you realise there's a difference between toying with the idea of ctb and actually being serious about it and having the courage and drive to plan it and go through with it". Holy shit, aint that the truth. People think that going from moderate to severe is like from a 6-9, but its not, it's like going from a 6-500. I'm sure we would all give our left arms to be even apathetic towards life, or even like you said just toying with the idea. Would mean a vast increase in our quality of lives.

 

[Fedrea]

For me, it was a gradual transition from acute depression and constant misery, to a calm and determined state. Subjectively, I feel *less* unhappy than before I made my exit plans. Objectively I guess I've crossed the line between chronic but functional depression, to severe depression and active suicidality rather than ideation.

I'm able to research methods, buy required components and make arrangements because there is no more doubt in my mind.

Were there any specific events that triggered the depression and misery, before you transitioned to this calmer state? Is there any hope things might get better?

 

[I’mDone]

I'm sure we would all give our left arms to be even apathetic towards life, or even like you said just toying with the idea. Would mean a vast increase in our quality of lives.

I can honestly say that my quality of life has improved. There's no more doubt, no more angst, no more beating myself up for not having the balls to take action. I'm calmer and more resolute than I've been in a very very long time.

Were there any specific events that triggered the depression and misery, before you transitioned to this calmer state? Is there any hope things might get better?

I've been depressed all my life. As far back as I can remember. My first attempt was in my early teens. No chance of things getting better because I'm exhausted by trying therapy and meds.

 

[tothemoon]

I can honestly say that my quality of life has improved. There's no more doubt, no more angst, no more beating myself up for not having the balls to take action. I'm calmer and more resolute than I've been in a very very long time.


I've been depressed all my life. As far back as I can remember. My first attempt was in my early teens. No chance of things getting better because I'm exhausted by trying therapy and meds.

I'm glad you feel that way! Just to know the constant misery does mercifully end is a relief, what's your method?

 

[Fedrea]

" Only then do you realise there's a difference between toying with the idea of ctb and actually being serious about it and having the courage and drive to plan it and go through with it". Holy shit, aint that the truth. People think that going from moderate to severe is like from a 6-9, but its not, it's like going from a 6-500. I'm sure we would all give our left arms to be even apathetic towards life, or even like you said just toying with the idea. Would mean a vast increase in our quality of lives.

Yes...I had no idea. For me it was a big fall from stress and strain but zero depression to I guess moderate depression and that was a big shock. Had NO idea how bad depression was after years of physical health issues..it was a shock to find moderate depression was worse than the physical stuff

Then it went to what I thought was severe....I used to think often I want to ctb when my family pass on...I was struggling to work but could manage to see friends etc

Then when it really went to severe only then did i realise just how badly you can want to die without actually having the courage to plan or do it, and how it can outweigh the pain you might cause others.

I can honestly say that my quality of life has improved. There's no more doubt, no more angst, no more beating myself up for not having the balls to take action. I'm calmer and more resolute than I've been in a very very long time.


I've been depressed all my life. As far back as I can remember. My first attempt was in my early teens. No chance of things getting better because I'm exhausted by trying therapy and meds.

I am so sorry you have felt that way all your life. How old are you now?

 

[I’mDone]

I'm glad you feel that way! Just to know the constant misery does mercifully end is a relief, what's your method?

SN, I have the required things but CO is increasingly appealing right now.

I am so sorry you have felt that way all your life. How old are you now?

52

 

[Fedrea]

SN, I have the required things but CO is increasingly appealing right now.


52

What happened to you in life?

You don't have to say if you don't want to. I wish you so much luck whatever you decide

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I have been planning for a year!!!! The key is to take small tiny steps over the long haul. I have been putting each peiece in place---- I bought my helium in Sept of last year---- I just contstructed my exit bag last week....... bit by bit------ ill its done

 

[deadpixels]

Yes....I've had this heavy sensation for a while...but I had it back when I had moderate depression (which at the time I thought was quite severe!!)

If you're young in particular I hope you'll hang on for things to get better cos they can absolutely turn around. Can be a bit different when you are older with multiple things you can't reverse though I totally respect that we all have our own traumas
How old are you now deadpixels? I don't wanna be a hypocrite but I remember from being young myself I had several friends who were really depressed and they are actually doing well now. At the time I remember not understanding their depression at all, like why is my friend cutting his arm? Well now he's doing really well, sometimes, I know not always, things can turn around for younger people


How old are you now deadpixels? I don't wanna be a hypocrite but I remember from being young myself I had several friends who were really depressed and they are actually doing well now. At the time I remember not understanding their depression at all, like why is my friend cutting his arm? Well now he's doing really well, sometimes, I know not always, things can turn around for younger people

Yes....I've had this heavy sensation for a while...but I had it back when I had moderate depression (which at the time I thought was quite severe!!)

If you're young in particular I hope you'll hang on for things to get better cos they can absolutely turn around. Can be a bit different when you are older with multiple things you can't reverse though I totally respect that we all have our own traumas

Thanks for your support but my age is one of my main sources of stress right now, would you mind if I don't tell you?

 

[I’mDone]

What happened to you in life?

You don't have to say if you don't want to. I wish you so much luck whatever you decide

Too much, too deep, too personal. Sorry.

 

[Fedrea]

Thanks for your support but my age is one of my main sources of stress right now, would you mind if I don't tell you?

Too much, too deep, too personal. Sorry.

Nahh of course I don't mind. I'm being a hypocrite really. Want to ctb myself but hoping there's hope for others.

 

[lululoo]

I have struggled with this too. Including the increasing fear and anxiety with age.
I've just had to plan in stages, very slowly. When a burst of motivation comes, I act on it to get one more thing done. But it is incredibly difficult. Especially because of my fatigue and brain fog (I have health issues too).

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Will Power. If you really want to die you have the energy to plan your own death.

 

[rhiino]

That is too simple. You can want to die like crazy but still lack the energy to kill yourself, let alone plan your death.

 

[I’mDone]

That is too simple. You can want to die like crazy but still lack the energy to kill yourself, let alone plan your death.

Small steps as and when you have a burst of energy. Even if you can research or order one thing at a time, even if it doesn't happen often, eventually gets you there.

 

[Fedrea]

Reflecting further on this one I understand now why so many suicides are things like jumping or hanging that can be done impulsively. And I read that most suicides are impulsive rather than planned. This does make sense from the point of you that severely depressed people are not good at carefully planning the most painless, best method of suicide. Obviously there are exceptions. They say that some with severe depression are more high functioning