How do you get past the roadblock about caring about hurting family?

[Mart]

More specifically one person. I know for a fact everyone could get over it fairly easily. I care about my mother though. I don't want to do it to her but I know it will happen soon. I can't help but think about what will happen to her after, and I don't know if she'll be able to get over it. I fantasize about doing it in a way where she'll never figure out but I don't really know how to realistically do that. People who have, how have you gotten over that barrier?

 

[Alchemist]

Easy, I just just don't care about them since they don't care about me, just about what people say. Years ago I told my mother that thing would be better if I killed myself and she just said that If I do it, it better not happen at home since they don't want to deal with cops and that crap..

 

[Mart]

Easy, I just just don't care about them since they don't care about me, just about what people say. Years ago I told my mother that thing would be better if I killed myself and she just said that If I do it, it better not happen at home since they don't want to deal with cops and that crap..

fuck, I'm sorry that's rough. I sometimes wish I had a mother that hated me, that would make things a lot easier. I know that's just me taking it for granted though, I know some people would kill for somebody loving. I wish I could trade. It's wasted on me.

 

[JadedGray]

Easy, I just just don't care about them since they don't care about me, just about what people say. Years ago I told my mother that thing would be better if I killed myself and she just said that If I do it, it better not happen at home since they don't want to deal with cops and that crap..

That sounds familiar. Another reason why I'm more than likely going to get a hotel room.

 

[Alchemist]

That sounds familiar. Another reason why I'm more than likely going to get a hotel room.

I thought the same, maybe I should do the same, or just do it at home as a last middle finger.

 

[Broken]

Easy, I just just don't care about them since they don't care about me, just about what people say. Years ago I told my mother that thing would be better if I killed myself and she just said that If I do it, it better not happen at home since they don't want to deal with cops and that crap..

My dad told me to clear off and ctb somewhere else

 

[JadedGray]

I thought the same, maybe I should do the same, or just do it at home as a last middle finger.

I like your spunk. I couldn't go through with it, though. I'd rather there not be any ill feelings towards me after I'm dead, even though it won't matter. Maybe I just feel I need to leave with a clear conscience.

 

[Mart]

I like your spunk. I couldn't go through with it, though. I'd rather there not be any ill feelings towards me after I'm dead, even though it won't matter. Maybe I just feel I need to leave with a clear conscience.

I can relate. I don't want to start any shit with or before my death. I want things to be as calm as possible when I go. I can understand wanting to give a last "fuck you" to somebody though.

 

[JadedGray]

I can relate. I don't want to start any shit with or before my death. I want things to be as calm as possible when I go. I can understand wanting to give a last "fuck you" to somebody though.

Same here. It's already difficult enough.

 

[Mr2005]

Not a problem for me. They screwed me over

 

[Mbound]

This is the main thing holding me back. My parents have an amazing life and the knowledge that I would absolutely destroy it is what stops me from ordering my supply of N. I feel myself becoming more and more apathetic though. I still love many people, I still feel tremendous guilt when I think of how I would hurt them...but it's slowly getting duller and duller. Like it's harder to tap into those feelings because I just feel so dead inside most of the time.

I believe it was David Foster Wallace who said that people who off themselves have already been dead for a long time when they reach that point-- they're just being orderly when they commit the final act. Just a "formality."

I think I would need to write a really detailed and heartfelt letter if/when I do it. I know it wouldn't even begin to touch the damage I'd caused, but at least they wouldn't wonder why I did it or how I felt leading up to it. I feel like that's the least I could give them.

 

[Mart]

This is the main thing holding me back. My parents have an amazing life and the knowledge that I would absolutely destroy it is what stops me from ordering my supply of N. I feel myself becoming more and more apathetic though. I still love many people, I still feel tremendous guilt when I think of how I would hurt them...but it's slowly getting duller and duller. Like it's harder to tap into those feelings because I just feel so dead inside most of the time.

I believe it was David Foster Wallace who said that people who off themselves have already been dead for a long time when they reach that point-- they're just being orderly when they commit the final act. Just a "formality."

I think I would need to write a really detailed and heartfelt letter if/when I do it. I know it wouldn't even begin to touch the damage I'd caused, but at least they wouldn't wonder why I did it or how I felt leading up to it. I feel like that's the least I could give them.

I can relate quite a bit. I love her and I don't want her to go through any pain but I know that can only go so far. I'm going to end up doing just that and writing her a very sincere letter that I love her and none of it is her fault, it would have happened regardless of everything because I am who I am. I know she can't be the one to find me though. That's why the plan right now is to CBT overseas.

 

[Broken]

My dad told me to clear off and ctb somewhere else

Haha it's ok. I've got dirt on him. when I ctb I'm exposing his lies

 

[Mbound]

I can relate quite a bit. I love her and I don't want her to go through any pain but I know that can only go so far. I'm going to end up doing just that and writing her a very sincere letter that I love her and none of it is her fault, it would have happened regardless of everything because I am who I am. I know she can't be the one to find me though. That's why the plan right now is to CBT overseas.

That's thoughtful of you to make sure she doesn't find you. I also can't imagine my loved ones finding me. That has to be the most soul-wrenching experience.

I feel like I'm gonna have to basically write a dissertation...which maybe isn't the best way to go about it but I feel like I have to at this point.

 

[Wanderer_with_Death]

We're all connected one way or another, anyone who is within your soul will be seen again by you. Of course there is a mark in every action (imo)
If those who truly love, they will make peace with you no longer suffering anymore despite the initial shock and "loss" a loved one will feel.
Of course, I advise you to open up and disclose your pain and gain support before you fully go through with the embrace with Death, but if you truly feel it is your path to leave this realm of existience then I feel you should do your best to not cause too much trauma if possible. Such as where and "who" many come upon your corpse when the deed is done.

 

[TheFinalCountdown]

Life has to be worth living for yourself. Just living to protect other people's feelings is no life at all

 

[Mart]

Life has to be worth living for yourself. Just living to protect other people's feelings is no life at all

That's starting to be more and more clear, thank you. Every day it gets easier to accept that's it's just something that has to happen. I have no business here. There's nothing here for me. I have a date now. Let's see if I can keep it this time.

 

[Wanderer_with_Death]

That's starting to be more and more clear, thank you. Every day it gets easier to accept that's it's just something that has to happen. I have no business here. There's nothing here for me. I have a date now. Let's see if I can keep it this time.

Good luck on your date, even if it fails, try and learn from it and precept that it was a stepping stone into someone/something better.

 

[Mart]

Good luck on your date, even if it fails, try and learn from it and precept that it was a stepping stone into someone/something better.

Thank you. The lessons are starting to get clearer and clearer.

 

[Wanderer_with_Death]

Thank you. The lessons are starting to get clearer and clearer.

Lessons are never easy to happen, but I'm proud of you for taking steps into trying again with a better mindset and heart into this opportunity.
My door is open to you if you need a non-judgemental ear to speak to. However I wish to respect your notion in "having nothing left here" and do not mean to pull you back where you feel you don't belong anymore.

 

[TAW122]

Life has to be worth living for yourself. Just living to protect other people's feelings is no life at all

Very true and for the most part, I do live for myself. Sometimes others' do have an influence on my decisions, but I still strive to keep their influence at a minimum if possible.