Venting How do you get over the grief of what could have been?

[moonoverthesea]

I'm not afraid of death. Of pain, sure, but not death per se. Yet, even if all of me is just too tired, and just wants this (physical) pain to end, there is a small part of me that is incredibly angry and sad and, in a sense, doesn't want to die.

I want the pain to end, of course. But I'm sad, because I feel like I had a lot of potential as a person. I come from a complicated family, but I think I did a lot of work to try and be a better person, to break the cycle. I was getting my degree, I had started teaching in a high school (and absolutely ADORED teaching). I had a lot of ideas, projects, stuff I want to learn. So, in a way, I'm mad I want/need to die, because all of that is going to waste. There is an alternate universe somewhere where i never got sick, where I'm not in 10/10 pain everyday, where I got to get my degree and have new kids to teach to, where I have started all those project (though, knowing myself, I don't think I finished any ahaha). In that timeline I am able to keep working on myself, to build an imperfect life but full of things, to never stop growing. It was all perfectly doable, I was on track to do it in my life, but now with an incurable (but not deathly) illness all i can do is suffer every day and see life pass why, lying in bed, thinking about what it could have been.

How do you get over that. I know there is no cure, and I know my body is getting more and more tired. I can't mentally stand the pain anymore, I feel I'm going mad and sadly no med seems to be able to soothe the pain. But I'm so, so angry because somewhere inside there is little me looking at me and asking me, why did it have to end up like this? What for? We had to fight a lot since we were born, and we did and we had some great results, but yet everything still has to go to waste.

I feel like I'm grieving myself alredy.. and cherry on the top, freeing myself from this anger and this constant pain will inevitably inflict incredible pain on those around me.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I wouldn't want to live under this or any other scenario . What for? Is there something that has objective meaning? No . Life is meaningless

I only regret I was born and regret every day I haven't killed myself yet

Imo nothing in this existence has any value , importance or meaning. To me The pleasurable addictions are the worst and most evil because these keep me here and distract me from my purpose exiting this hell. The only meaning to me is avoiding pain or suffering for this brain I'm imprisoned in and my suicide asap.

imo excruciating unbearable pain or extreme suffering or extreme torture is objectively bad . All that other pleasurable garbage is not objectively important or valuable by comparison and not objectively important or valuable at all .

 

[blackbeauty]

I'm sorry you've been diagnosed with an incurable disease and it seems like it's stolen from you the life you worked so hard to get so far. You have the right to be sad and angry about this.

I think it will reach point where to move on from this, you have to accept the present situation, your condition and then decide how you want to live your life from then forward. Unfortunately, it's not going to be the same as you planned but I hope there's new things you can work towards that takes your condition into consideration.

Hope there is a way to ease your pain :(

 

[moonoverthesea]

I wouldn't want to live under this or any other scenario . What for? Is there something that has objective meaning? No . Life is meaningless

I only regret I was born and regret every day I haven't killed myself yet

Imo nothing in this is existence has any value , importance or meaning. To me The pleasurable addictions are the worst and most evil because these keep me here and distract me from my purpose exiting this hell. The only meaning to me is avoiding pain or suffering for this brain I'm imprisoned in and my suicide asap.

I think this vision makes sense, though it's very different from mine. I've been happy before, and that made life very worth it for me, so I think existence does hold value - it doesn't need to be an objective one. Pain is what has taken that away from me personally. But I don't disagree - it's just a different way to feel about it, if it makes sense.

I'm sorry you've been diagnosed with an incurable disease and it seems like it's stolen from you the life you worked so hard to get so far. You have the right to be sad and angry about this.

I think it will reach point where to move on from this, you have to accept the present situation, your condition and then decide how you want to live your life from then forward. Unfortunately, it's not going to be the same as you planned but I hope there's new things you can work towards that takes your condition into consideration.

Hope there is a way to ease your pain :(

Thank you for your kind words, I really value them a lot.

Sadly, the level of pain im in prevents me for working towards anything. The pain is too strong to even cook for myself, or do anything I need to concentrate on. Writing here is hard too. I can barely do anything on good days, and good days are less and less. TL;dr, there is no way to have a decent life with this, no compromise I can take. Even if I were to just decide to stay at home and relax forever, the pain is unbearable.

I wish there was, I wish so much there was something to ease the pain... I've already tried all possible treatments, but nothing even touches it. I'm out of options. More invasive treatments (it's a nerve issue, so I wish I could just take the nerve out even if that meant losing functionality) are not offered to me, because the illness is under researched and I think doctors don't really realize it's best to lose functionality in a part of the body rather than ending up killing yourself from the pain because "hey, but you still have that area technically functioning!". I understand where they're coming from, but it really does more harm than good from my perspective.

 

[Hollowman]

I deal with it by dissociating every waking moment.

 

[moonoverthesea]

I deal with it by dissociating every waking moment.

I've been able to dissociate in the past, before the health situation got this bad, but this level of pain currently makes it impossible for me to do so. Thank you though, and I'm also sorry for your suffering.

 

[escape_from_hell]

Sad to hear you are at such a high pain level.
Not sure what your nerve condition is but if there is truly no hope of recovery, there is no more to grieve sensibly. HOWEVER, your brain is always gonna cling to some kind of hope or fantasy. It is a survival device. It and your body do not care about the subjective torture and horrors you are going through. It is even possible that is the very point of subjective experience: to be an object of manipulation by this organism we inhabit to motivate us to struggle for survival.
I can only offer empathy. I have low-grade chronic pain, like coming and going in intensity --not really sure what it is, have insane muscle tension and crepitus but don't think it's arthritis but likely stemming from extreme relentless anxiety. There are brief moments of "oh seems like normal I can live a bit" but it is super temporary. But nothing close to 10/10 without relief like you are saying, I can only imagine how rough it must be.

If your condition was not caused by decisions you made, I think you should go easy on yourself and let go of the dream as nothing more than being born into a trust fund with a super charismatic personality and ultra athletic body and a rock and movie star to boot type of thing. The lottery, vicissitudes of luck, nature was not going to grant it to you in (this) life anyway. And some of those people end up CTB as well, so you ALSO need to have the proper brain to feel contentment. My wrecked life was caused my poor decision making, and that makes the "what if" very rough, but I'm trying to just accept the dying needs to be done ASAP to relieve the pain, because what is done cannot be undone. If you're like me and fucked up in the decision area, it's gonna be harder to let go but eventually it's just gonna be the reality of whether recovery is practical or not.

Look at it this way. If you LOVE life and are having a BLAST at all moments. You will STILL eventually face the music. You will wake up at 120 years of age, having lived 119 years of pure bliss, and find that the time has finally come. Your body is giving. Pain is there. The mind is fuzzy. And your brain will STILL torture you and fear death, more likely than not. Just like when you ate a tasty dinner 10 years ago, your brain is only concerned with tonight's dinner. It is always going to crave. And in our youth we put the notion of death as some far off thing, but the reality is that when the time comes, it will still feel like THIS IS THE NOW and that past won't seem so fulfilling. Now, it might be nice to look back and say "wow I have no regrets, I made a perfect choice at every opportunity and maxxed out everything to the fullest and damn what an awesome ride." Sure. But whether you are even ABLE to think that is gonna stem from the cocktail of chemicals in your brain hitting certain receptors. So unless you are on palliative care, not likely.

I'm guessing you've tried Kratom and other drugs for temporary escape. Sadly, everything is gonna be short acting and may or may not give you much life back.

 

[SVEN]

Some griefs and conditions we just endure, rather than get over

 

[moonoverthesea]

Sad to hear you are at such a high pain level.
Not sure what your nerve condition is but if there is truly no hope of recovery, there is no more to grieve sensibly. HOWEVER, your brain is always gonna cling to some kind of hope or fantasy. It is a survival device. It and your body do not care about the subjective torture and horrors you are going through. It is even possible that is the very point of subjective experience: to be an object of manipulation by this organism we inhabit to motivate us to struggle for survival.
I can only offer empathy. I have low-grade chronic pain, like coming and going in intensity --not really sure what it is, have insane muscle tension and crepitus but don't think it's arthritis but likely stemming from extreme relentless anxiety. There are brief moments of "oh seems like normal I can live a bit" but it is super temporary. But nothing close to 10/10 without relief like you are saying, I can only imagine how rough it must be.

If your condition was not caused by decisions you made, I think you should go easy on yourself and let go of the dream as nothing more than being born into a trust fund with a super charismatic personality and ultra athletic body and a rock and movie star to boot type of thing. The lottery, vicissitudes of luck, nature was not going to grant it to you in (this) life anyway. And some of those people end up CTB as well, so you ALSO need to have the proper brain to feel contentment. My wrecked life was caused my poor decision making, and that makes the "what if" very rough, but I'm trying to just accept the dying needs to be done ASAP to relieve the pain, because what is done cannot be undone. If you're like me and fucked up in the decision area, it's gonna be harder to let go but eventually it's just gonna be the reality of whether recovery is practical or not.

Look at it this way. If you LOVE life and are having a BLAST at all moments. You will STILL eventually face the music. You will wake up at 120 years of age, having lived 119 years of pure bliss, and find that the time has finally come. Your body is giving. Pain is there. The mind is fuzzy. And your brain will STILL torture you and fear death, more likely than not. Just like when you ate a tasty dinner 10 years ago, your brain is only concerned with tonight's dinner. It is always going to crave. And in our youth we put the notion of death as some far off thing, but the reality is that when the time comes, it will still feel like THIS IS THE NOW and that past won't seem so fulfilling. Now, it might be nice to look back and say "wow I have no regrets, I made a perfect choice at every opportunity and maxxed out everything to the fullest and damn what an awesome ride." Sure. But whether you are even ABLE to think that is gonna stem from the cocktail of chemicals in your brain hitting certain receptors. So unless you are on palliative care, not likely.

I'm guessing you've tried Kratom and other drugs for temporary escape. Sadly, everything is gonna be short acting and may or may not give you much life back.

Hey, thank you infinitely for your throughout response.

> If your condition was not caused by decisions you made
It was not caused by decisions I made, as far as I'm aware. The most likely reason this illness developed is that it's the evolution of a different illness that went unchecked for 20 years. Over the course of these 20 years, my parents were too busy having their own issues to realize something was really wrong, and no doctor ever cared enough to check what was wrong - even when I complained of the (not yet unbearable, but still significant) pain extensively. My history with doctors is, sadly, extermely unlucky. So, I guess it could be argued that maybe had I fought more, it wouldn't have gotten this bad; but I'd say overall I wouldn't say I caused my condition with my own actions.

>My wrecked life was caused my poor decision making, and that makes the "what if" very rough
I'm not as good with words as you are, so I'll just say I'm really sorry.

> If you LOVE life and are having a BLAST at all moments. You will STILL eventually face the music. [rest of the paragraph]
I mean, yeah, but it's very different to do this kind of reasoning and have this kind of acceptance after at least having had a shot - having had that nice dinner - rather than when you were just starting to live. I'm 24. I think it's also very different to realize the time for suffering has come after having lived most of your life, as opposed to it happening at 24 without ever having a shot at it. Yes, it's bound to happen anyway, but because of the way I saw happiness before (happiness isn't pure happiness for me, it's just the process of growing, and learning, and trying to be better....) I can't help but grieve the happiness I'll never have.

> I'm guessing you've tried Kratom and other drugs for temporary escape.
I've tried a lot of drugs as in meds. If you mean drugs drugs, I've tried marijuana and it's not really useful sadly, I just become really stupid which I guess works in its own way but isn't sustainable nor really useful/pleasurable. I don't want to try anything else that will give you withdrawals, because I was given a medication (erroneously, again, my history with doctors is shit) in the past that gave me withdrawals and I am *not* going through that again, even if it means killing myself because I can't escape the pain from the condition. I also have a very hard time sourcing, as at the moment I was forced to move back to my parents by the situation.

 

[zxcvb]

I'm also wondering this too..

 

[moonoverthesea]

Some griefs and conditions we just endure, rather than get over

Until we reach a breaking point, yes

I'm also wondering this too..

Hope we can figure out soon.

 

[katara]

I can really feel the emotion you put into this because I want to believe i had potential at some point. I had feeling dark all the time. I was never really able to work on myself, i have never been on track. I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through, the feeling of being tired and unable to do anything. The anger sometimes overtakes my sadness, i am angry at myself because i wish i could be more. I wish i could be anything.

 

[moonoverthesea]

I can really feel the emotion you put into this because I want to believe i had potential at some point. I had feeling dark all the time. I was never really able to work on myself, i have never been on track. I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through, the feeling of being tired and unable to do anything. The anger sometimes overtakes my sadness, i am angry at myself because i wish i could be more. I wish i could be anything.

you're the cool person from chat! hi!

in my opinion and experience, anger is the most powerful and useful of the negative emotions. Sadness is paralyzing, it makes me feel stuck and hopeless.. anger, on the other hand, feels to me like a scary and dangerous pool (because you can and will redirect it on yourself) but it's also the most likely out of every negative emotions to "kick" you into doing stuff. With my previous illness(es), the anger I felt from going unheard yet another time was the strongest fuel to keep complaining and finding a way out, because it felt like the biggest "fuck you" possible to the shitheads that wronged me.
i wonder if it feels somewhat similar for you.

[TW medical/sexual assault, it's just an example to explain how the concept above feels in practice] One of the first doctors I saw ever for my illness years ago violated me verbally and, most importantly, physically. the sadness and fear from what had happened, mostly enforced by the guilt I felt over it being my fault, kept me stuck in the condition for months. When the guilt and the sadness finally cleared up, i felt an enormous amount of rage, because it made me realize that it was not my fault and I was going to cure myself alone if doctors wouldn't help. This doesnt apply anymore because there is no cure for what I have now, but what I had then was curable and i somehow managed to get a LOT better when I was fueling that rage.

(and, a little side note, as a woman I think it's pretty interesting how anger is the emotion that women are taught to hide and avoid the most. Looking back, delving into my anger has always been the best way to make me fight for myself - the only thing more powerful than it was curiosity.)

 

[Unleashtherain]

I simply can't.

 

[escape_from_hell]

I mean, yeah, but it's very different to do this kind of reasoning and have this kind of acceptance after at least having had a shot - having had that nice dinner - rather than when you were just starting to live. I'm 24. I think it's also very different to realize the time for suffering has come after having lived most of your life, as opposed to it happening at 24 without ever having a shot at it. Yes, it's bound to happen anyway, but because of the way I saw happiness before (happiness isn't pure happiness for me, it's just the process of growing, and learning, and trying to be better....) I can't help but grieve the happiness I'll never have.

Indeed grieving the loss of the very process of life itself is tough. It really sucks this happened to you and I am saddened to hear you are so young. Like being taken out of a game or walking out of a movie or stopping a book just as you get into it. I think that's a good analogy too though, because when you really examine the interplays, the very things you enjoyed about getting into a groove in life, there is the possibility of recognizing that the choices, shoulda woulda coulda, the looking forward to what is around the corner...is the unfolding of a story. But we are caught up in the story. Please don't be too jealous. The end result of the story is tragedy for MOST organisms, humans included, even with a good quality of life. Like I said, the duration of the good times will still feel paltry at the end I imagine, when one is say bleeding out in a car accident--a common death--while people are giggling taking phone videos of your death for gore sites and social media fame.

I wish I could say "gratitude" helps because that is such a buzz word to wave off all misery nowadays. Gratitude often boils down to "it could always be worse" and it's probably not helpful at all.

I wish there was something I could say to help you make peace with your grief and the cruelty of life, but we are nature's subjects it seems.

Since you described your situation, it's pretty clear you did what you could. It might be your best bet at consolation--just remind yourself you did and are doing what you could!

I don't think it will usually get any easier for any of us as we are cornered into the final decision, unfortunately.

> I'm guessing you've tried Kratom and other drugs for temporary escape.
I've tried a lot of drugs as in meds. If you mean drugs drugs, I've tried marijuana and it's not really useful sadly, I just become really stupid which I guess works in its own way but isn't sustainable nor really useful/pleasurable. I don't want to try anything else that will give you withdrawals, because I was given a medication (erroneously, again, my history with doctors is shit) in the past that gave me withdrawals and I am *not* going through that again, even if it means killing myself because I can't escape the pain from the condition. I also have a very hard time sourcing, as at the moment I was forced to move back to my parents by the situation.

Yes, this is the whole problem, and reprieve is gonna be temporary and usually there is a swing in the opposite direction waiting at the end of relief. Marijuana is better for enhancing good times, but can also exacerbate bad times for many of us. Pain meds...yeah, withdrawals. But if your situation is severe enough, if you have a steady supply of palliatives it is nothing to be ashamed of. Plenty of people rely on all sorts of medicines. There will always be times between dosing where the evil comes back, so the problem is more about ensuring a consistent source and it sounds like you've discovered this already.

Still I hope you can find ways to get moments of relief on this ride. Peace to you.

 

[BoredNTired]

TBH i've simply done such a number on my brain through self deprecative echo chambering that I'm sure I'm simply a person innately incapable of finding hapiness or peace from life. I know its probably a delusional certainty, but I find myself beliveing it regardless, and it makes the prospect of my death a much more comfortable one.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

The grief about how good my life could have been is eating me - somehow - but my life isn't that bad either at least not yet. Idk how I actually deal with it but it's one of the things I probably won't be able to recover bc it's simply unattainable.

 

[Marco77]

This is the futility and fleeting nature of existence. Everything we move towards (work, degree, gym...) is destined to evaporate. Everything goes away over time. We were created only to procreate and adapt our DNA to the environment. We were not created to make plans, nor to achieve something. This is just nonsense we made up. We live because we were born. We were born because the conditions for life were there. There is no meaning, no mission, no goal.