anhed0nia
Member
- Jun 17, 2023
- 31
I'm back in therapy for the first time in years and I think it is legitimately making things worse. I've seen two therapists previously, starting when I was around 30; I had never had insurance before, and I was excited about the prospect of getting some help for the first time in my life. My experience so far has been:
Therapist #1: I hate to say this but I think she was kind of a bimbo. She would show up to sessions in like leather mini skirts and fishnets, and it was like, how am I supposed to talk about my problems, especially anything related to feminine insecurity (which was a huge issue at the time), with this person in my face? Besides which, every time I reported that I'd had a hard experience, she would try to convince me that I was just exaggerating due to low self-esteem and it didn't really happen. I was partially there to deal with some kind of pervasive organizational/cognitive problem I have where I'm just struggling to get from point A to point B every single day, constantly losing or breaking things or missing appointments or getting lost or otherwise humiliating myself; I just can't seem to do a lot of "normal" things the way everybody else can, and the issue seems obviously neurological/cognitive to me, but this therapist's approach was to basically accuse me of lying every time. It didn't really happen that way, it's not as bad as I say it is, it was a coincidence, it was an innocent mistake, I probably did an awesome job and I'm just refusing to take credit, I'm just being delusional because I don't like myself enough, I can't possibly have any real problems. It made me feel like the problems I have must be so insane that they are literally unimaginable and unbelievable to most people, which was really alienating and made me feel even worse than I did at the start. It also made me feel like I was on trial (because I kind of was), and I developed the torturous habit of cataloging every single thing I do wrong, or that goes wrong for me, in excruciating detail, as if would have to present the evidence to a judge. I only saw that therapist for a few months years ago, but I still have this mental habit, and it is incredibly exhausting. (Although to be totally fair most people don't believe me when I try to talk about my problems, they dismiss me with the good old American ethos of "Whatever, you're great, everything is great, nothing really bad ever happens," so I really do feel like I'm on trial perpetually...)
Therapist #2: Total genius. How did I even get this person? She was way smarter than me and very talented at getting me to talk while gently challenging some of my assumptions in a useful, provocative way. I eventually lost my time slot with her due to being a disorganized idiot (and I think I had hit a wall with what I had the courage to say to her honestly), but I think the year or so that I had her was really helpful. I wish I could talk to her now but she is understandably unavailable.
Therapist #3 (present day): I've seen this person twice, not counting two intake sessions, and she's already driving me crazy. Like I'm experiencing this constant stressful apprehension about seeing her, because every time I try to dig into complicated, prickly issue that has seriously affected my life and personality, that I really need to discuss in detail, she immediately starts telling me that I'm OK. Everything is OK. It's OK for me to be myself. It's OK to be worried about things. I am OK and Normal and it is OK for me to Like Myself. I know she's trying to make me feel better about myself, but if I can't say more than four sentences about important parts of my life without her just concluding "Well that's OK because You're OK", then I can't have any kind of meaningful discussion about why I think and feel the way I do. Like of course I know that, on principle, I'm OK, it is morally acceptable for me to be different, I'm not a bad person or whatever, but that's not the question I'm asking. I tried to talk to her about the history of sexual abuse on my mom's side and how it fucked up our relationship, and how having a mom who rejected me as a little kid has made life hard for me--this is like a BIG TOPIC, right? But it felt like I was talking about it for maybe 5 or 10 minutes before my therapist cut me off and started telling me that it doesn't matter what my mom's problem was, the only thing that matters is how I feel, and I should feel good because I'm a good person. Like, end of story. And I have to sit there and go, Uh, I mean, yeah. I agree with you. My feelings are more important than my mom's. You're right. ...and then I'm just forced to change the subject because she did the "But you're a good person so this doesn't matter" thing to me once again, and it feels like she just put the nail in the coffin of the topic by saying that and I can never return to it or explore it in any depth. On the first day I was trying to explain how my obsessive tendency toward magical thinking had really done me a lot of specific kinds of harm, for decades, and I was proud of myself for recognizing that and getting away from it, but for some reason she just picked this fight with me about how I shouldn't say that magical thinking was "bad" or "wrong", in fact I'm not allowed to say anything about me is bad or wrong it seems, even if I'm expressing my true personal values and reflecting on experiences that were destructive for me, or that gave me a chance to rise above my problems. I have to say everything is good and fine and OK because I'm a terrific person and I should like myself. And now I'm in a permanent imaginary fight with her. And I'm so, so tired and exhausted, and astounded by the fact that a therapist would think that you just have to say "But you're a good person and everything is fine" and that will somehow instantly obliterate all the trauma and bad wiring and phobias and chemical imbalances and maladaptive behaviors that the patient has been struggling with for a lifetime. Like I'm pretty sure that isn't how anything works...
So I'm thinking I have to fire her, and of course since I'm having serious problems with guilt and fear and sadness and self-doubt, it's really, really hard for me to picture how to do this. In my mind I might like to tell her to go fuck herself, but in reality I feel terrible for everybody all the time and I'm seriously conflict-avoidant and I hate to hurt anyone's feelings even in a professional context, even if they might deserve it. And of course sometimes I also think, maybe I'm just freaking out because she's struck a nerve and I should put more effort into this before I just shut her down, I mean therapy is supposed to make you uncomfortable to some degree, maybe I'm just...you know. Being crazy. Anyway feel free to share your tips and tricks for firing your therapist when you already feel bad about everything you ever do!
Therapist #1: I hate to say this but I think she was kind of a bimbo. She would show up to sessions in like leather mini skirts and fishnets, and it was like, how am I supposed to talk about my problems, especially anything related to feminine insecurity (which was a huge issue at the time), with this person in my face? Besides which, every time I reported that I'd had a hard experience, she would try to convince me that I was just exaggerating due to low self-esteem and it didn't really happen. I was partially there to deal with some kind of pervasive organizational/cognitive problem I have where I'm just struggling to get from point A to point B every single day, constantly losing or breaking things or missing appointments or getting lost or otherwise humiliating myself; I just can't seem to do a lot of "normal" things the way everybody else can, and the issue seems obviously neurological/cognitive to me, but this therapist's approach was to basically accuse me of lying every time. It didn't really happen that way, it's not as bad as I say it is, it was a coincidence, it was an innocent mistake, I probably did an awesome job and I'm just refusing to take credit, I'm just being delusional because I don't like myself enough, I can't possibly have any real problems. It made me feel like the problems I have must be so insane that they are literally unimaginable and unbelievable to most people, which was really alienating and made me feel even worse than I did at the start. It also made me feel like I was on trial (because I kind of was), and I developed the torturous habit of cataloging every single thing I do wrong, or that goes wrong for me, in excruciating detail, as if would have to present the evidence to a judge. I only saw that therapist for a few months years ago, but I still have this mental habit, and it is incredibly exhausting. (Although to be totally fair most people don't believe me when I try to talk about my problems, they dismiss me with the good old American ethos of "Whatever, you're great, everything is great, nothing really bad ever happens," so I really do feel like I'm on trial perpetually...)
Therapist #2: Total genius. How did I even get this person? She was way smarter than me and very talented at getting me to talk while gently challenging some of my assumptions in a useful, provocative way. I eventually lost my time slot with her due to being a disorganized idiot (and I think I had hit a wall with what I had the courage to say to her honestly), but I think the year or so that I had her was really helpful. I wish I could talk to her now but she is understandably unavailable.
Therapist #3 (present day): I've seen this person twice, not counting two intake sessions, and she's already driving me crazy. Like I'm experiencing this constant stressful apprehension about seeing her, because every time I try to dig into complicated, prickly issue that has seriously affected my life and personality, that I really need to discuss in detail, she immediately starts telling me that I'm OK. Everything is OK. It's OK for me to be myself. It's OK to be worried about things. I am OK and Normal and it is OK for me to Like Myself. I know she's trying to make me feel better about myself, but if I can't say more than four sentences about important parts of my life without her just concluding "Well that's OK because You're OK", then I can't have any kind of meaningful discussion about why I think and feel the way I do. Like of course I know that, on principle, I'm OK, it is morally acceptable for me to be different, I'm not a bad person or whatever, but that's not the question I'm asking. I tried to talk to her about the history of sexual abuse on my mom's side and how it fucked up our relationship, and how having a mom who rejected me as a little kid has made life hard for me--this is like a BIG TOPIC, right? But it felt like I was talking about it for maybe 5 or 10 minutes before my therapist cut me off and started telling me that it doesn't matter what my mom's problem was, the only thing that matters is how I feel, and I should feel good because I'm a good person. Like, end of story. And I have to sit there and go, Uh, I mean, yeah. I agree with you. My feelings are more important than my mom's. You're right. ...and then I'm just forced to change the subject because she did the "But you're a good person so this doesn't matter" thing to me once again, and it feels like she just put the nail in the coffin of the topic by saying that and I can never return to it or explore it in any depth. On the first day I was trying to explain how my obsessive tendency toward magical thinking had really done me a lot of specific kinds of harm, for decades, and I was proud of myself for recognizing that and getting away from it, but for some reason she just picked this fight with me about how I shouldn't say that magical thinking was "bad" or "wrong", in fact I'm not allowed to say anything about me is bad or wrong it seems, even if I'm expressing my true personal values and reflecting on experiences that were destructive for me, or that gave me a chance to rise above my problems. I have to say everything is good and fine and OK because I'm a terrific person and I should like myself. And now I'm in a permanent imaginary fight with her. And I'm so, so tired and exhausted, and astounded by the fact that a therapist would think that you just have to say "But you're a good person and everything is fine" and that will somehow instantly obliterate all the trauma and bad wiring and phobias and chemical imbalances and maladaptive behaviors that the patient has been struggling with for a lifetime. Like I'm pretty sure that isn't how anything works...
So I'm thinking I have to fire her, and of course since I'm having serious problems with guilt and fear and sadness and self-doubt, it's really, really hard for me to picture how to do this. In my mind I might like to tell her to go fuck herself, but in reality I feel terrible for everybody all the time and I'm seriously conflict-avoidant and I hate to hurt anyone's feelings even in a professional context, even if they might deserve it. And of course sometimes I also think, maybe I'm just freaking out because she's struck a nerve and I should put more effort into this before I just shut her down, I mean therapy is supposed to make you uncomfortable to some degree, maybe I'm just...you know. Being crazy. Anyway feel free to share your tips and tricks for firing your therapist when you already feel bad about everything you ever do!
