How do you figure out who you are after years of expecting to ctb?

[sad.girl]

I never expected to make it this far in life. I thought I'd be gone by the time I was 13, then 15, 18, 20, now I'm about to be 21 and I don't know how I'm supposed to find myself. I don't know who I am, I have very few interests or skills and anytime I start trying to find new things I like I end up losing all motivation soon after. I've been actively trying to get better for about 4 years now, and although I don't really know if it's possible for me to get better, I feel like I owe it to my (possible) future self to try and figure out how to truly live. I just don't know where to go from here. Most people I know found themselves when they were teenagers, but I spent my teens just trying to survive and repeatedly planning to ctb. How do you find yourself when you've never actually known who you are? I have no place to start.

 

[jinx <3]

I understand the lack of self knowledge that leads to having little understanding of oneself. I personally know who I am, I just also hate myself. But I'll tell you how I learned who I am: it's a combination of making friends and letting them shape you, and doing a lot of thinking and coming up with things that matter to you. Once you know what matters to you, and once you have friends to influence you, you'll find it easier to figure out who you are. Sorry if that didn't make sense. I hadn't put it into words before. Anyway, I wish you luck in finding yourself <3.

 

[sad.girl]

I understand the lack of self knowledge that leads to having little understanding of oneself. I personally know who I am, I just also hate myself. But I'll tell you how I learned who I am: it's a combination of making friends and letting them shape you, and doing a lot of thinking and coming up with things that matter to you. Once you know what matters to you, and once you have friends to influence you, you'll find it easier to figure out who you are. Sorry if that didn't make sense. I hadn't put it into words before. Anyway, I wish you luck in finding yourself <3.

Thank you, that's really helpful. I've struggled making friends for years, everyone I was friends with quit talking to me when I got put on probation for missing too much school (about 5 or 6 years ago now) and I've been struggling ever since. The only reason I was able to make friends to begin with was because we were forced to be around each other at school, and honestly I think my lack of identity is what's holding me back from making friends. I do know a few things that matter to me, but I feel like those few things aren't enough to actually give me a personality.

 

[egg_an]

I never expected to make it this far in life. I thought I'd be gone by the time I was 13, then 15, 18, 20, now I'm about to be 21 and I don't know how I'm supposed to find myself. I don't know who I am, I have very few interests or skills and anytime I start trying to find new things I like I end up losing all motivation soon after. I've been actively trying to get better for about 4 years now, and although I don't really know if it's possible for me to get better, I feel like I owe it to my (possible) future self to try and figure out how to truly live. I just don't know where to go from here. Most people I know found themselves when they were teenagers, but I spent my teens just trying to survive and repeatedly planning to ctb. How do you find yourself when you've never actually known who you are? I have no place to start.

To be honest, this is the exact thing I'm struggling with. I didn't even imagine myself at my current age because as a kid I genuinely thought I'd never reach it. Congrats for trying to get better OP, there is always always time for you to find yourself and learn new things. I think making friends is too big a hurdle when even you don't know who they're making friends with, so I'd say start with your ideas of an ideal you and narrow them down to smaller things like "this person likes an egg sandwich in the morning" and just keep trying them. See what sticks and question why until the puzzle's complete. Best of luck.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Most don't find themselves at the tender age of 21. After all, your brain is still growing until 25/26..

Your teens and twenties are the hardest years of your life. Give yourself time, you are barely an adult yet, you have plenty of time to find yourself. No rush

We're constantly growing and changing at different stages of our lives. I don't think anyone expects you to have found yourself at such an age, that is far too young.

Go explore, see the world a bit, experiment. Learn to motivate yourself

Remember: Rome wasn't built in a day. It takes time to figure things out. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, it really isn't worth it

 

[Hvergelmir]

...but I spent my teens just trying to survive and repeatedly planning to ctb. How do you find yourself when you've never actually known who you are?

When people have a strong sense of identity and know where they are going at 20 I think they're either deluding themselves, or being railroaded towards work followed by retirement, or whatever else is considered "normal" in their circles. Few have found their own meaning.

Try things, see what sticks. Any experience is a good one from a developmental/educational perspective.
Do more rather than less. Avoid time wasting habits that you don't find genuinely valuable.

 

[alltoomuch2]

When people have a strong sense of identity and know where they are going at 20 I think they're either deluding themselves, or being railroaded towards work followed by retirement, or whatever else is considered "normal" in their circles. Few have found their own meaning.

Try things, see what sticks. Any experience is a good one from a developmental/educational perspective.
Do more rather than less. Avoid time wasting habits that you don't find genuinely valuable.

Now that's the truth. Xxxx

 

[atomicblonded]

For me, volunteering and trying different jobs was a big one. I did national service and it made me realize what I do (and don't) want to do. I picked up a caregiving job for some extra change and it made me realize that it's my passion. I'm 22, and your 20s is the best time to try new things, in my opinion.

 

[Defenestration]

For me, volunteering and trying different jobs was a big one. I did national service and it made me realize what I do (and don't) want to do. I picked up a caregiving job for some extra change and it made me realize that it's my passion. I'm 22, and your 20s is the best time to try new things, in my opinion.

I was caregiver between december 2011 and february 2021...very hard...Where are do you live?

 

[Sutter]

Hello Sadgirl,

Good responses already, have a small twig to add.

My own perception of self is molded by me and all others. Too much of one or the other, and neither is true. There are experiences, like dislike, joy terror, and these can accompany who you are, but dont absolutely define you. Dont take a single persons word as the answer, know many and see the opinions that come back. They dont have to be close friends can be anyone you meet any day. All those views together may start to give you a sense of how the world sees you and you looking at the world. There are some traits that may have developed very young or at birth for some, usually not many but a steady thread running through their years. Like stubborn, caring, fighting. May find you have a streak, searcher, survivor, whatever that may be.

Everyone carries a jingling bag. They have emotions and desires wrapped like russian nesting dolls, that shade their view of the world and you. Worth keeping that in mind when touching an opinion, same for your own thoughts. There are people in their 50s, knowing more but still finding who they are, that comfortable niche to rest in, and there are others that have briars stuck in their bottom fur and its about the journey not the reward. Another part of knowing yourself I guess.

So, to a sad girl by a warm fire on a cold night that old fox sitting 4 feet back still walks that path after 50 years, not a bad place to start where you are now. Will turn and pad off, and let words lay. How do you see them, why?

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Echoing other commenters, aim for quantity over quality, doing over being.

(Tagging @derpyderpins in case he has something to add)