The way that I see it, if I don't ctb then I basically have no choice but to stay here and continue existing. It's just the unfortunate reality, and I hate every waking moment spent here. My thoughts of suicide are just a natural response to feeling trapped here in this cruel world, wishing for nonexistence is all that I know really. At least for some part of my time spent here I'm able to sleep, but even temporary sleep couldn't offer much of a relief as long as the chance of waking is always there. The only true relief for me could ever lie in death.