Discussion How do you deal with the fact you are going to leave bereaved loved ones?

[ChildrensITV]

This is fucking me up now. I know this is the right time to go. I wanted to go decades ago but I held on to see if it would improve. Well it changed from torment to anguish. The form of torture changed from hard blows to death by 1000 cuts. It's still not worth it. I can't live the rest of my life knowing only the first decade or so of it was any good. It's a done deal. I have to go.

And with this website's help, I will inform myself about exitbags and how not to botch it. I was never going to CTB if it came to jumping: ouch; shooting myself: no guns in the UK; overdosing: I'm not a teenage girl from a movie. It has to be exitbag.

But that leaves the issue of my bereaved loved ones. They are going to be fucking crushed. Not that I was some amazing person or anything but I've always been there and am mostly a good person (when I'm not a selfish cunt). This isn't to be bigheaded at all. My friend said if I ended my life, he would want to. And I wouldn't want him to because he has a son, a reason to live. I have a mother with which I don't get along half the time, but I really don't want to devastate her. She is pretty old and it is going to be hard for her to adjust to life without me. Again, not cuz I am a great person to be around, but cuz she depends on me for some things. And also just the emotional toll this will have on her. She will never be the same. My friend is going to be angry at me. My mum is going to blame herself forever. But none of this is their fault. My life was FUCKED regardless of them. OK, some of the arguments with my mum didn't help but my suicide is not about that at all, and once I end myself, I will forgive her 100% for everything. I forgive her for everything. And my friend is like a brother to me. I knew him all my life. He is part of my earliest memories.

But the question is: What about me?

I don't want them to feel traumatized after I go, so that means I have to feel traumatized? One party is going to have to feel it. I have to pick what's best for me. It's just going to fucking suck for them and I am really sorry but I can't go on anymore. I just can't. This is the worst part about CTB. If I didn't have them in my life, it would be so much easier. What a proposition is being put in front of me: stay and suffer for others, or be free and at peace but make others suffer.

This is horrible.

 

[FuneralCry]

To answer the question, the way that I see it we all have to die and lose everything someday no matter what, both grief and loss are just an inevitable consequence of life. If people don't wish to deal with loss then they shouldn't so cruelly and selfishly choose to procreate in the first place. And the fact is that if one leaves this world whatever happens after they are gone could never be their concern as they simply won't exist at that point, nobody should feel forced to suffer all for the sake of others, we are all just destined to die so we should be able to take control over when we exit. Existing isn't an obligation and it's a personal decision when to leave.

 

[Sulyya]

stay and suffer for others, or be free and at peace but make others suffer.

This is horrible.

I'm almost totally committed to the former even though i want to die every day. I just know I that I won't ever get over that hill. If the world were such a way that everyone understood that some people just can't take it, that would probably be best. In the world we're in, people will be bereaved as you say and unfortunately we can't leave without consequences for others, which is awful.

 

[bythefire12]

I think about this a lot. If I CTB, my spouse will be as devastated as a person could be. We are each other's lives. We are inseparable and as in love as any two people could ever be. If either of us died the other would have a huge hole where their life, sense of self, and sense of the future would be. I cannot imagine putting her through that pain but I also don't think the future is safe, meaning at some point one of us will experience violence from an outside force and that might be even worse. At least without me she'd probably be safer because my identity makes me a target. But she doesn't see it that way, so from her perspective I'd be cutting short our time together and it would be devastating. It's probably the main thing stopping me from speedrunning CTB. If something happened to her I think I'd CTB within days.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

im just of the opinion that no one is obligated to live for anyone else. i do feel bad that people in my life would grieve horribly over my death, which is why ive tried to stick around. but if my life gets unbearable again im not going to force myself to continue suffering.

there are only two ppl in my life who would care if i died. my dad is one of them, but he's the one who retraumatized me and led me to nearly ctb recently, so fuck him. the only other person is someone ive started distancing myself from, partly for her sake and partly bc she's been dismissive of me and even low-key hostile at times. i dont feel obligated to live for anyone, let alone people who treat me poorly. the fact i dont feel attached to anyone anymore makes me feel a little less bad about planning to ctb.

 

[ChildrensITV]

I think about this a lot. If I CTB, my spouse will be as devastated as a person could be. We are each other's lives. We are inseparable and as in love as any two people could ever be. If either of us died the other would have a huge hole where their life, sense of self, and sense of the future would be. I cannot imagine putting her through that pain but I also don't think the future is safe, meaning at some point one of us will experience violence from an outside force and that might be even worse. At least without me she'd probably be safer because my identity makes me a target. But she doesn't see it that way, so from her perspective I'd be cutting short our time together and it would be devastating. It's probably the main thing stopping me from speedrunning CTB. If something happened to her I think I'd CTB within days.

Hi,

You don't have to answer. Are you a cis-lesbian? Is she MTF-trans? I was just wondering what could make your partner a target. I say fuck everyone else! You have someone who LOVES YOU and WHO YOU LOVE. I would put off catching the bus if the person I had in my life for the last 2 years stuck around, but I don't blame them for leaving. They did their best but their patience and attraction waned.

In fact, I will be MAD at you if you end yourself! I forbid you! It sounds like you have something beautiful and worth holding onto! Let that get you through each day. Please don't end it cuz of what others think or MIGHT do. Your life is between you and your partner. You two can make it.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

The way I look at it now, I survived 15 years of pure hell. However selfish this may sound, if it's survival of the fittest, and it is, the fittest will survive my demise. If they don't it's on them. I'm done living for others. I pity them still, I really do, it makes me literally cry to think that my parents will have to outlive me, but I have no other choice. I'm not fit to live. I make their life more difficult. The world would be better if I was never born, there's no doubt in my mind.

 

[nance]

Coz if i stay i will be like cancer to them and ngl i may even commit a crime. Like i have noticed over the years i am getting more and more angry, like i am depressed most of time but somedays i can't control it and feel, EVERYBODY around me is the reason, especially my folks, i end up yelling and all. It's better i go.

 

[Forgetting5]

In my case the "loved ones" I have are the ones that caused my trauma

 

[Babumax]

No family only friends. They'll be fine after a bit

 

[Brokensoulwalking]

On good days, I say I hate myself more than I love them

On bad days, I say they will forget me after a couple of weeks