Discussion How do you deal with leaving people behind?

[PerAsperaAdAstra]

Yeah, so, I was wondering about that. How do you deal with the guilt, the shame, and the self-hatred for leaving people behind?

I think it's the thing that's been holding me back for the past 2 years and a half. The sheer thought of doing that to the people I love is unbearable.
I have personally known a couple of people who have killed themselves, and while I wasn't close enough to be truly hurt by it, I've seen how much it ravages and devastates the people left behind.

Part of it is nurture: growing up with narcissistic parents has made me an echoist, which means I strive to please people, to my own detriment.
But most of it is simply nature, I think. I've had different specialists tell me I was hyper-empathetic, 2 of whom actually told me they had rarely seen anyone display empathy to that degree. And it hurts so much, all the time, because of it. Simply imagine the pain I would inflict on my people hurts more than I can say.

And then there's the fact I'm a naturally very protective and loyal person. There is nothing I would stop at to save someone I love, or even a stranger.
I will give everything I have to people, my whole being, until there's nothing left, and then I'll give some more. And while I'm aware it's unhealthy, and it's probably one of the reasons I'm so depressed, I can't seem to be anything else, no matter how much I try.
If I try to be anything less than who I am, I end up hating myself even more than I already do, and I can't even look at myself in the mirror.

So the thought of inflicting that much pain to the few people I love, it... I don't know. It just breaks me. I want to die. So much. It's not just that I don't want to live the way that I do. I just want to die. To not exist anymore. The one thing that's held me back for so long has always been this.
Just because suicide is the solution for me, it doesn't mean it is for the people I love. And I have a duty of care towards them. I've always had.

So how do you overcome this? How do you get over this thought, and just decide to go through with it? It's not like I can ask my therapist.

 

[Vegrau]

Like people used to say. You cannot please everyone. The way they want you to stay despite the fact that you dont want to and cant. Is the same as the way you choose death and leave them behind. The same selfishness. There's no good way putting it. Either you choose yourself or them.

But that doesnt mean that I cant do anything to lessen their pains. I have been plotting this for years and I have done everything I can as truthfully as I could in reducing their pains and distress.

 

[Andthesunsank]

I don't really think I can say anything that could assuage your pain about those thoughts. As I understand them.

But, there is nothing wrong with being selfish sometimes. Selfishness doesn't have to be inherently bad.

 

[LastFlowers]

If they don't want to help resolve my suffering than why should I try to prevent theirs?
Besides, I've been told the world will go on when I'm gone. And that I best remember that. This said by the only person I'm left talking to.
I'm sure I will just be a topic of discussion for people to bond over, until they forget how their conversation started.

I've been reading a lot of stories about people left behind by suicide and a lot of them end up surprisingly happy..it hurts to read those stories and know you will eventually be invisible in death as you are in life.
Even the most attached people will be told by those around them and their therapists to "move on" eventually.
I'm sure there are exceptions but you know..that's not the way I see it as far as my situation goes.
I've been isolated so long, hardly anyone will even notice.
They have more important things in their lives. No one has even reached out to me.

 

[JadedGray]

I guess you just have to decide if the pain you endure being here is worse than the pain you feel for those you would leave behind.

 

[Ruffian]

That is not an easy question, and there really isn't an easy answer. I only know you from what I read here, and I have to say you just strike me as a very moral and decent person. So whatever you decide only needs to be what's best for you. I really think the world would be a better place if people knew what they wanted in their innermost hearts and then acted on it. I don't mean I want you to die, I just think as an adult you have that right. I am struggling with the same issue. When I first joined here I didn't think my life could get any worse. Now I long for those good old days! My point is that my boyfriend would be devastated if I killed myself, and that's not just my ego talking. And he's not being manipulative, either. He's just an older guy who found love kinda late in the game. I guess I did, too. But it's not like the movies where you meet the love of your life and all problems are solved. I let him know early on I've had these thoughts a good deal of my life and he can't fix them. (That's a whole other issue - yes, really, love doesn't fix every problem!) If you do make the choice to remain alive, I imagine you would be the best friend a person could hope for. (And that's not a pro-life guilt trip - I just mean most people don't put 1/2 the thought into living as you have into dying.)

 

[iwannaendme]

We all going to be dead anyway. So nothing matters. They r gonna be sad but u can't do anything with it. So I guess you shouldn't be worried about it since you won't know, tho.

 

[tomz323]

Some people (like me) don't really have many people, if anyone to leave behind. Or people that would care.

 

[NoOneKnows]

cant wait to leave behind and never to see again the sociopaths around me. I leave behind my dog, it breaks my heart but I dont have other option

 

[tomz323]

cant wait to leave behind and never to see again the sociopaths around me. I leave behind my dog, it breaks my heart but I dont have other option

Actually my Doggo is one of the big things I'd miss.

 

[PerAsperaAdAstra]

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and get back to me.

I can't say which pain is worse. The pain of staying, or the pain of knowingly leaving people who love me behind. They're such different pains, rooted in such different emotions, I'm not sure I can even compare them. They're both tremendously painful is all I know.
My parents were narcissists, and have caused me a great deal of harm, but I know they never did it knowingly, or out of malice. And despite all the pain they've caused me, I love them. And I know losing me would break them.
And my grandma. She's in her 90's, she misses my grand father terribly, and I know she wishes she were dead. I can't even begin imagine what it would do to her.

I have a close friend who's been through a lot of terrible, horrible shit. She's tried to kill herself several times, she's on more meds than I can count, she's been hospitalised many times. She's about 30 now, and she's finally getting to a good place. And I'm terrified of what my suicide would do to her. And what, if it does anything to her, it would do to the rest of her family (who have basically adopted me as one of their own).

And my dog. My poor dog, who has already been abandoned twice because of health problems she has. I already know who would take her in should anything happen to me, but still. It would be terrible for her to lose me. She is literally with me 24/7. Back when I was still employed, she would come to work with me.

There are a couple more people, but I'm not as worried about them. I know they love me dearly, but I also know they'll be okay.

I guess there's one more thing I could try, but it's what I tell myself every time I come close to killing myself, and I always do it out of loyalty to the people I have a duty of care to. I honestly can't remember the last time I've lived for myself, and I'm not even sure I could do it.

 

[Sailfisher]

I think them seeing me in the depressed state does more damage than being a memory.

 

[Weems]

I'm talking to my parents about it openly now. I still self-censor a lot but I explicitly say I'm thinking about suicide (but I won't do it before you call again).

I'm torturing them, I know. I'm not sure if I'm preparing them or trying to save myself, and I'm not sure this is the lowest-suffering option. I just love my family, especially my dad, and I don't want to leave anything unsaid.

Again, I don't know. I am talking to them about it and hoping they don't try to get me committed. So that must be what I think is right, all things considered.

 

[hunter_lewis]

I have been struggling with this for about 10 years and still have no idea how: it just rips me apart every time I think of it and makes me slog on for one day more

 

[Mircea]

Haven't figured this one out yet. There isn't much that can be done for my family, and I will be guilty of putting a great burden on them which I don't wish anyone to have. I can only do my best for them in the meantime, and arrange my death in such a way as to come at the best time and be least traumatic. Beyond that I'd rather just not think about it, as it cannot help in any way.

 

[magick'sgone]

I can totally relate. My friends will cope in the long run, and probably even understand, to a degree. I worry that my father will turn to alcohol. I worry that my sister will become depressed and her beautiful little baby boy will sense that and somehow the cycle will continue. I worry that a handicapped relative will not be capable of comprehension of the situation. Mostly I worry about my wonderful, sensitive little mum. When I think of these people, I feel obligated to stay, but my stupid, privately psychotic, past self has backed my current self into an inescapable corner. I just learned all of my lessons ever-so-slightly too late. Hopefully my well thought out note will help them to understand just a little.