How do you deal with guilty feelings about leaving people that love you?

[macaiwtd]

Hi, I'm new here! This website has been really useful for me since I feel that here I can discuss about almost any topic, like suicide and related stuff, I don't know any person to talk about it in real life...
I've tried to ctb two o three times before but as time passes I'm feeling more confident about the success in my next try. But I am also feeling a lot of guilt because I'm going to leave behind my family and I think that this could cause them a lot of pain.
I really don't have any friends, just my cat (who I suspect doesn't love me because he's biting me all the time xD) and my family.
Thinking about it makes me feel really selfish and guilty.
I still don't want to be here in this awful world anymore but I'm also worried about what could happen to my brother, my sister and my mom after I leave.

Do you think about this? How do you deal with it?

Thanks in advance for your comments and sorry for my English, it's not my first language.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I haven't been able to deal with it. That's why I'm still here. I might be getting closer, though. At some point, your own suffering outweighs the obligation you feel towards them.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I feel like people will just move on with their lives

 

[rayless]

I think about this often and it brings me the same feeling of guilty. Last night, just as I was getting sleepy, this guilty felt so shallow, like a trace of vanity even - to think that I would bring such suffering to others for such a long time just stopped making sense.

I suggest you think about the resources the people around you will have to cope with your departure, and maybe prepare something regarding this so they have immediate support. I have been close to a person that ctb in 2018, and from what I can see now, everyone that was close to her learned to cope and are leading seemingly happy lives (as happens in MOST cases, i never got why people think us catching the bus would bring such endless pain to the world lol).

The question of whether it is selfish or not can fill endless pages, but at the end it is quite simple for me - living in suffering for the sake of others is just feeding their own selfishness.

Just by curiosity, what's your mother tongue? English is not my first language either.

 

[Capsaicin78]

I don't really care, because no one really loves me. If they did ( especially in my childhood) I wouldn't be here, but no way to turn back time eh? So I already coped with the fact that people will just continue their lives like nothing even happened.

 

[LastBusStop]

In the end it doesn't matter if my family is devastated, I can't live for others.

 

[Brianiskillingme]

Just my daughter. She loves me alot but, I cant suffer for others much longer.

 

[NeverEndingPain]

The only reason I am still here and suffering every day is because I can't put my kids though it. I feel more guilt with them having to see me in a constant state of depression and despair. I'm messing up their lives no matter if I'm dead or alive
:(

 

[Cali101]

It's the only thing that stops me. Im so good at hiding my depression/mental illness they would never see this coming and would never understand.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Wish I knew the answer to this myself. It helps sometimes to remember that in my case, the world overall would be so much better without people like me around.

 

[CrossroadsCurious]

Just replay all the hurt and anger you have and repeat after me...

"It doesn't matter!"

Then ctb and be free!

 

[Nlis2244]

I just repeat to myself that it doesn't matter. The universe is 14 billion yo, soon enough everything that's alive now will be dead and decomposed. 100 billion humans have already died. Who remembers them?

 

[eremie]

this is the biggest thing holding me back. trying to control the damage once you're gone is a huge weight to have on your shoulders.
this might be similar in line to what others are saying, but i'm coming to the realization that you can't do anything about it. you have no control over how other people react; no matter how much you sugar-coat it or try to soften the blow, it will still hurt the people closest to you.
eventually, i'll reach a point where my desire to ctb overrides my guilt, and i'll stop caring.
it doesn't really matter what happens after, because i'll be dead anyway.

 

[MrShino]

My main reason for still being alive as well; I have a very close and good relationship with my family. It is a paradox; they somehow make life better, but at the same time is the reason I cannot leave. Sometimes I kinda 'envy' people with no such family relationship, as there would be no holding back. I believe as others have said, that ultimately it is one own's choice, but the truth of the matter is that what we do affects others. It would be selfish to at least not acknowledge that. What effect it might have is impossible to foresee, but it's never easy to lose someone one loves.

I do believe, however, if they understood the situation fully and truly loved you, they would accept that you needed to leave. I know for me at least, that I would accept that someone I loved would have to depart if their suffering was too great. If you love someone, their wellbeing is important to you, moreso than your own. The problem is the idea we have of ending one's life in today's society; we have been taught that it is never a solution, that one has to go on no matter the circumstances. Many will thus have a hard time to accept it and rather than considering that the person is finally free from their troubles, they will focus upon that idea that this ought not to have happened.

It's difficult, it really is. I have been reflecting on this for countless nights. There really seems to be no good ways to go about this. There's no solutions that don't involve someone's suffering. Either one carry on, living a life one does not want to live, enduring the suffering - or one ends it, regardless of the loss others will experience with it. Death is inevitable nevertheless, and we all go through losses at some point in our lives of people we love. It is an unavoidable part of life, it's just how it is. Perhaps even, if there'd be such a thing as an afterlife, the love is strenghtened in the reunion due to the loss, but we don't know that.

For myself, I still haven't fully decided. I truly want to leave, more than anything else, but I am not sure I can put my family through it. So here I am, at least for now.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I could never suffer only for the sake of others and it would be selfish of them to expect me to. I guess the way that I see it, grief and loss are a part of life and we will all die eventually someday and lose everything. Since I never asked to be here, I have the right to leave this world.

I do know that it can be painful and devastating for many people, the thought of leaving others behind. It is sad that we live in a world with so much suffering, and I do think that if euthanasia was legalised it would make it more bearable for those left behind as they would not have to deal with the shock of it all, they would know in advance.

 

[eremito]

All my loved ones are gone. No one will ever notice

 

[TheLastFemaphrodyke]

I do not believe anyone loves me, never have. I have never truly felt loved, by anyone, family, acquaintances, anyone I was married to, no one. I worry for my cats. I am sure one will die shortly after me from grief and the other then will wither himself. This bothers me, but I cannot take care of myself, I cannot take care of them. I am a burden to my human and my animals are a burden to him as well, though I do believe he loves them and would do the best for them, he is gone long hours and I already see the withering as both cats watch me withering.

 

[Musketeer]

Anyone who loves you and refuses to let you go doesn't love you. That's not love that is unhealthy attachment/control.

 

[NobodyKnowsMe]

It's the only thing that stops me. Im so good at hiding my depression/mental illness they would never see this coming and would never understand.

This -- totally this

 

[TheLastFemaphrodyke]

In my case, I could never suffer only for the sake of others and it would be selfish of them to expect me to. I guess the way that I see it, grief and loss are a part of life and we will all die eventually someday and lose everything. Since I never asked to be here, I have the right to leave this world.

I do know that it can be painful and devastating for many people, the thought of leaving others behind. It is sad that we live in a world with so much suffering, and I do think that if euthanasia was legalised it would make it more bearable for those left behind as they would not have to deal with the shock of it all, they would know in advance.

Yes, I see, and yet it so hurts me to know they shall so easily move on without me while using my loss as another proof of my inferiority in their eyes. They shall never allow legalized leaving, who would they torture and make fun of, belittle and look down upon, should those of us who are tired of it all just up and decide to take all their fun away and legally leave the game?

Anyone who loves you and refuses to let you go doesn't love you. That's not love that is unhealthy attachment/control.

soooooo agree, yet, sometimes it is nice to hear that someone does not want you to go, that they would miss you terribly. Tell Me, Show Me, but don't control me.

 

[FinishingLine]

The only people left in this world who care for me are my parents and they are in their seventies. For my father I am a complete failure anyways, it only will be hard for my mum but she knows about my urge to stop the pain I am living in.
They see the wreck I am and this will make it easier for them hopefully.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

At some point tbe pain of existing is going to completely outweigh the survival instinct and guilt of leaving mehind loved ones.

I am waiting for that to happen for me.

 

[outrider567]

Not many left that will mourn my loss---two first cousins that I talk to once a year--stepmother will be upset(known her for decades but only see her a couple times a year)but my own endless mental suffering is too great to really care......all I know is that my priceless girlfriend is still in a cemetery

 

[blue_muse]

Whenever I feel guilty, the people and my surroundings quickly remind me that I'm not wanted around.