I don't know. I think and feel sometimes that I want to improve and get better to. But I dunno. I don't know how people enjoy life and achieve ecstasy or self-actualization. Life for me right now is just a bunch of mindless distraction/entertainment, and I don't really know how to dig myself out from that admittedly toxic way of living and looking at things. But when I'm not rationalizing or spiraling or snowballing or self-pitying and zero in on life, on a song or something I'm reading or whatever, it feels awesome, I feel awesome, so vivid, real and raw and alive. One of the main things stopping me from killing myself I think is a friend I just recently made. I like hanging out with them, and I know I'm lucky as shit to have them right now, being lonely and utterly friendless for near a decade now. I dunno where I'm going with this. Baby steps I guess. It really is the small things, as corny as it sounds. The more I chase some grand sense of meaning, the shittier and emptier I feel.
There's a piece of advice I've read on the internet I find interesting (though I admittedly have a hard time applying it and remembering it): Start a pile of good things. Add one good thing to your life as often as you can. Consistency and reliability are the key things here. That could be cup of coffee in the morning, a favorite album or song, YouTuber, friend, anime, show, video game — whatever. As long as it makes you happy or fulfilled or satisfied or just feel something a little real somehow.
