Help How Do You Cope With Extreme Internal Conflict?

[kane]

My mind is always pulling in so many conflicting contradictory directions, and it generates pointless suffering. I'll start down one path convinced of an idea, only for it to quickly crumble as my mood and worldview shift. I'm constantly finding myself disgusted by what seemed great mere moments before. I'm endlessly self-sabotaging and dropping things I've spent great time and effort on. Different parts of me hate each other, resulting in neither being satisfied or achieving their goals, and no achievement ever feeling truly worthwhile. The world is beautiful and meaningful in one moment, and cruel and terrifying in the next.

It's not that I have multiple personality disorder. It's all 'me'. It's all the same identity. There's no psychic break. It's just that 'me' is constantly swinging between very different states of mind. Like Jekyll & Hyde, but with no transformation. One moment one thing appeals, the next it's opposite.

I rationalize this as being the shifts that take place as different areas of the brain become more or less activated by various triggers, chemical-hormonal changes etc.

But I don't know how to actually function with these massive disparities in motivation. I can spend hours gripped by the necessity of ctb, only for it to seem completely unacceptable as more socially considerate parts of me are activated. I'll resolve a million times to quit this, or start that, but five minutes later I'll be convinced how pointless it all was.

How can you live with all those different opposing factions within, without it tearing you apart? It feels like I'm trying to be far too many different people, and all of them are failing.

But hey, in an hours time I may have (temporarily) forgotten that there's even an issue. So that's ok!

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I feel this exact way so often. I literally have no idea how to fix it but I wish I did. It always feels like there's two me's but I can never tell which one is which, they both suck, and I also can never tell which one I am at the moment. The only advice I've heard that sort of worked was to try to force myself into a consistent routine in order to remove the inconsistency within my own mind. That didn't work for long though since I happen to also be very lazy and undisciplined but maybe it'll work for you? I can't guarantee it would work though. I wish I knew the solution too.

 

[timf]

It sounds a little like the mania phase of BPD but not as extreme. In math if you want to smooth out sudden peaks and valleys in data you are observing, it can be helpful to use a rolling average. This might be applicable if you were able to overlap one state or task with another.

It might also be useful to break a task into smaller steps such that any one step can be accomplished quickly. That way you can move on to something else or take a break and tackle the next step later when you have recharged.

 

[CuddleHug]

I can relate to this so much. I've been struggling with it a lot lately. For me, I think it's the rational and emotional parts of me that clash and work against each other.

For example, rational me knows that being inactive and not doing anything is bad for my depression, but for some reason I do absolutely nothing all day. Logic says that food is necessary for the body to function, yet some part of me prevents me from eating. Those are very black and white examples, but I have extreme internal conflics as well. Its super fucking annoying, because I'm aware of what I'm doing, but have no control over it.

Honestly, I have no advice on how to cope since I'm struggling with it too, but know that you are not alone.

Hugs

 

[kane]

I feel this exact way so often. I literally have no idea how to fix it but I wish I did. It always feels like there's two me's but I can never tell which one is which, they both suck, and I also can never tell which one I am at the moment. The only advice I've heard that sort of worked was to try to force myself into a consistent routine in order to remove the inconsistency within my own mind. That didn't work for long though since I happen to also be very lazy and undisciplined but maybe it'll work for you? I can't guarantee it would work though. I wish I knew the solution too.

Yes, I've tried to construct strict routines for myself in the past (and likely will again), but I always wriggle out of them eventually. I'm lazy and undisciplined where it matters - I can exercise a ton of effort and willpower to push myself to do something, but sooner or later I will lose the belief in it and throw it all away.

It sounds a little like the mania phase of BPD but not as extreme. In math if you want to smooth out sudden peaks and valleys in data you are observing, it can be helpful to use a rolling average. This might be applicable if you were able to overlap one state or task with another.

It might also be useful to break a task into smaller steps such that any one step can be accomplished quickly. That way you can move on to something else or take a break and tackle the next step later when you have recharged.

Yes, a bit like that. It's not so much extreme highs and lows - I wouldn't say I have 'episodes'. It's more that there's a near constant flux between different aspects of my mind. I like the thought of a 'rolling average'. I think to some extent I already do that with my worldview - rather than everything being as terrible or wonderful as it seems, I reason that things are troubling but potentially positive. Or that there may be some situations where it's rational to ctb, but I'm not there yet. Unfortunately such resolutions never seem to satisfy either aspect of me.

Breaking things down into smaller pieces is also always good advice :)

 

[Siarar]

I also struggle with this. I'm constantly battling myself.

 

[muffin222]

Story of my life. My personality is fragmented due to "Structural Dissociation", so instead of being one cohesive self, I'm fragmented into different parts with conflicting desires, thoughts, perspectives, ideas, and motivations. Perhaps Structural Dissociation may resonate with you- maybe look into it? I don't typically suggest that, but every now and then I see a post on here where I believe the label might fit.

Anyway, yes, I can totally relate. On different days, I struggle with different internal conflicts due to different parts of my personality coming to the surface at different points during the day. Sometimes multiple parts will be at the forefront at one time, and I may be wanting to do something or take some sort of action towards a goal, but at the exact same time I'm being hit with feelings of sorrow, anger, or despair that cause me to not be able to focus on what I want to do.

It definitely affects me in terms of ctb. For hours and hours, when my "suicidal part" is at the front, I agonize and plot my suicide and wish I was dead, only for the thoughts to vanish completely, seemingly out of the blue. Then, I'll feel uplifted and motivated and inspired again, as if I was never suicidal to begin with. I have child parts, angry parts, sad parts, dissociative parts, trauma parts, suicidal parts, motivated parts, adult parts, charismatic parts, idealistic parts, logical parts. compassionate parts, hostile parts, joyful parts, studious parts, etc. They all surface at different times, in different occasions, under different circumstances, often within the same day or even the same hour, in severely stressful times.

This internal fragmentation makes it extremely difficult to maintain consistency with my goals and aspirations because I may feel enthusiastic one day and inspired to take action, only to be submerged in suicidal thoughts, despair, rage, or traumatic memories that completely overshadow any previous motivation the very next day.

It's agonizing, frankly. I'm so sorry you're struggling, too

 

[kane]

Story of my life. My personality is fragmented due to "Structural Dissociation", so instead of being one cohesive self, I'm fragmented into different parts with conflicting desires, thoughts, perspectives, ideas, and motivations. Perhaps Structural Dissociation may resonate with you- maybe look into it? I don't typically suggest that, but every now and then I see a post on here where I believe the label might fit.

Anyway, yes, I can totally relate. On different days, I struggle with different internal conflicts due to different parts of my personality coming to the surface at different points during the day. Sometimes multiple parts will be at the forefront at one time, and I may be wanting to do something or take some sort of action towards a goal, but at the exact same time I'm being hit with feelings of sorrow, anger, or despair that cause me to not be able to focus on what I want to do.

It definitely affects me in terms of ctb. For hours and hours, when my "suicidal part" is at the front, I agonize and plot my suicide and wish I was dead, only for the thoughts to vanish completely, seemingly out of the blue. Then, I'll feel uplifted and motivated and inspired again, as if I was never suicidal to begin with. I have child parts, angry parts, sad parts, dissociative parts, trauma parts, suicidal parts, motivated parts, adult parts, charismatic parts, idealistic parts, logical parts. compassionate parts, hostile parts, joyful parts, studious parts, etc. They all surface at different times, in different occasions, under different circumstances, often within the same day or even the same hour, in severely stressful times.

This internal fragmentation makes it extremely difficult to maintain consistency with my goals and aspirations because I may feel enthusiastic one day and inspired to take action, only to be submerged in suicidal thoughts, despair, rage, or traumatic memories that completely overshadow any previous motivation the very next day.

It's agonizing, frankly. I'm so sorry you're struggling, too

The impression I get from a brief google is that dissociation is related to BPD and trauma? I don't think I have BPD and my background wasn't especially traumatic, though it's possible I got to a similar state from being particularly mentally vulnerable.

But I do relate to much in your description. These different aspects of 'me' cycle through on a fairly regular basis, and they're often diametrically opposed. I will spend hours in a stupor each morning fantasizing about the end of the world, which gives way to more altruistic sentiments as parts of my brain rev into gear, but any commitments I make are soon overtaken by petty concerns. Deeply felt desires and motivations suddenly become hollow.

It is very frustrating, not knowing who you're going to be or what your goal is from one day to the next.

 

[SnowWhite]

This thread is very relatable, and people seem to deal with with this issue in different ways.

Usually I just try to 'drown out' the internal conflict. Be that by drinking, smoking or drugs. Although occasionally I'm able to put it at the back ofmy mind when I'm out with the few friends I have left.

More recently, I've had some success by refusing myself think about my past and all the times I've dropped my passions. It helps stop internal conflict from arising as much, but it's probably why I haven't learnt from any of those mistakes, essentially pushing the problem down the road.

I remember being really into mechanics, but dropping out of college and an apprenticeship, and to this day, I don't know why I did and I bloody regret it. But if I dwell on it too long, I start to doubt myself and remember all the other mistakes I've made.

Its shit, because it doesn't get better, you just get better at ignoring it, but never stopping it.

 

[muffin222]

The impression I get from a brief google is that dissociation is related to BPD and trauma? I don't think I have BPD and my background wasn't especially traumatic, though it's possible I got to a similar state from being particularly mentally vulnerable.

But I do relate to much in your description. These different aspects of 'me' cycle through on a fairly regular basis, and they're often diametrically opposed. I will spend hours in a stupor each morning fantasizing about the end of the world, which gives way to more altruistic sentiments as parts of my brain rev into gear, but any commitments I make are soon overtaken by petty concerns. Deeply felt desires and motivations suddenly become hollow.

It is very frustrating, not knowing who you're going to be or what your goal is from one day to the next.

That could be. I do believe that some people are more mentally vulnerable than others and may develop these kinds of coping mechanisms to function in overwhelming world and society

 

[TheSoulless]

I can relate. My mind constantly fluctuates between different states.

 

[LittleJem]

Lack of motivation =depression. I couldn't get anything done till 2 pm today. Because depression. It's not laziness, it's a chemical imbalance.