The Disqualified
Disqualified as a Human Being
- Feb 4, 2023
- 195
I cannot imagine ever being truthful or open to anyone in real life. Just as I type this, I fear they are going to find me out anyday now.
I imagine myself being close and candid with someone about how I feel only to realize how bizarre it looks. I just don't see it happening really. I feel uncomfortable even with my therapist. I don't know really.
I keep imagining about my life. Yesterday was such a horrible night. All my life was rehearsed in my head.
I cannot imagine that happening to anyone I know around me. It would completely erode any social standing I had left and make it all awkward again. I can't bear it.
Before, I was a complete utter loser for most of my life. Then I learned masking and was able to make my first acquaintances, superficial friendships and simulate a sense of being normal or respectful. That's the first time people ever took me seriously and I was able to move in my life and not spend lunch break all alone.
But it was all brittle, it didn't last much. I cannot imagine how I could get close to anyone really and not hide who I truly am and what I went through.
Especially being a male, I cannot fathom it, really. The idea of dissimulating my true self even in an active relationship with a woman seems unbearable, unsustainable and even unethical. I would just be lying to them, using them superficially for status or distraction, knowing all well that it was never going to be sustainable. I imagine any of these women I currently know around me would look at me differently were I to show them my true self, and not in a positive sense. But I don't blame them — I understand. In fact, I often tend to blame myself, which isn't good either. The idea of having a deep connection to someone around me seems hopeless.
I cannot imagine ever connecting to someone deep down. I cannot imagine having close friends, much less romance or anything of that sort. It is all alien to me. All the basic facts of human live are to me complete mysteries. All their basic functions are to me extremely difficult and milestones in themselves.
People talk to me about their lives and their milestones and I stand confused and lost. I have no idea of what living life is actually supposed to be. I truly have been disqualified from human life. It pains me deeply. I cannot live like this. I must run away and find my peace.
I imagine myself being close and candid with someone about how I feel only to realize how bizarre it looks. I just don't see it happening really. I feel uncomfortable even with my therapist. I don't know really.
I keep imagining about my life. Yesterday was such a horrible night. All my life was rehearsed in my head.
I cannot imagine that happening to anyone I know around me. It would completely erode any social standing I had left and make it all awkward again. I can't bear it.
Before, I was a complete utter loser for most of my life. Then I learned masking and was able to make my first acquaintances, superficial friendships and simulate a sense of being normal or respectful. That's the first time people ever took me seriously and I was able to move in my life and not spend lunch break all alone.
But it was all brittle, it didn't last much. I cannot imagine how I could get close to anyone really and not hide who I truly am and what I went through.
Especially being a male, I cannot fathom it, really. The idea of dissimulating my true self even in an active relationship with a woman seems unbearable, unsustainable and even unethical. I would just be lying to them, using them superficially for status or distraction, knowing all well that it was never going to be sustainable. I imagine any of these women I currently know around me would look at me differently were I to show them my true self, and not in a positive sense. But I don't blame them — I understand. In fact, I often tend to blame myself, which isn't good either. The idea of having a deep connection to someone around me seems hopeless.
I cannot imagine ever connecting to someone deep down. I cannot imagine having close friends, much less romance or anything of that sort. It is all alien to me. All the basic facts of human live are to me complete mysteries. All their basic functions are to me extremely difficult and milestones in themselves.
People talk to me about their lives and their milestones and I stand confused and lost. I have no idea of what living life is actually supposed to be. I truly have been disqualified from human life. It pains me deeply. I cannot live like this. I must run away and find my peace.
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