Help How do I unblock my mind?

[quiet.rabbit]

I tend to write in a very straightforward manner, with no symbolism or allegories. Other people ask questions like "what is the purpose of life?" and even go as far as to create whole concepts like deities and crazy stories to explain it away and "give color" to their lives while I am content just learning and observing everything. I don't seek "enlightment" and am"happy" just playing with different art supplies and seeing how they work. People also develop skills like drawing and writing to "communicate ideas" and while I enjoy doing both I do it just because learning feels good.

I guess seeing people be able to read books and get so much meaning from it is like knowing orgasms exist but I never get to experience it. I hate that I rely on simple pleasure when it is the first thing that you are deprived of when you are ostracized and stupid.

But the hardest thing to explain is that beyond that I feel "trapped"? I feel like maybe... I'm stuck in the mind of a five year old. I'm just an adult who still toys with things to see what happens.

I've wasted my youth because I want to stay in my own room all day, and I do the same now since I have no idea what to do. I have a shaky concept of myself. I forget what I have wirtten while introspecting over and over again. I feel like this all may tie back to the early childhood abuse I experienced.

 

[timf]

Abuse can contribute to withdrawal. Most people making the transition to adulthood engage with the wider world almost reflexively. Those who have protected themselves with isolation face a higher hurdle in that such engagement often has to be done intentionally.

It might be useful to pursue engagement incrementally with a series of small steps such as activities that bring you into brief contact with others.

It may also be useful to consider a frame of reference for life. For some it is their family, others their work or profession. Some even use a religious or political context from which they define their larger world.

Most people have the context of their life defined by their parents, school, and church. If you face having to define your own context, it can be intimidating. The key here will be truth. If you can seek after truth, you can use it to navigate around things that could even be harmful to you, but more often would simply prove a waste of time.

 

[itsallpointless]

Is there anything that you would personally, with all your heart want yourself to have? If you can't think of anything off the top of the head, maybe ask for answers from the body. After all, as they say, the body keeps the score. For me I suffer from physical illnessses mostly due to self neglect, so my short-middle term goals would be first off to regain a baseline level of fitness and functionality. My long term goals are self realization and unlocking my full potential, but have yet to detail those goals(they would go along the lines of compassion, family, material, community, etc.) Those are rewards that give me strength to funnel through. Fear of failure is stronger than fear of death.