how do i tell if im alive or already dead? (nothing is real)

[nikdiedtoday]

editing to start with a dream i have often that i had last night because i feel its almost a tldr for my entire life atp. i was in a room screaming loudly but couldn't hear myself and no one else could either and i was very aware that i was screaming trying to let out some of whats eating me up inside and aware that it wasn't working. like i thought to myself in the dream ''louder louder'' but knew it wouldn't help and knew no one would save or hear me. i do this often in my dreams. it bothers me how aware i feel in my dreams these days its unsettling. anyway . i'm still mentally not great but i've stopped actively planning to ctb the past like week or so. i guess its just part of the cycle. i think the loop is getting shorter though and i doubt that's a good sign. to put it simply this is kinda how it goes like ill feel like ''okay this is survivable'' then i'll be like ''my situation and torture is actually funny asf let me try and enjoy life for a sec'' then i'm like ''no i HAVE to kms this is impossible'' then i'm like ''hmm its actually morally incorrect for me to keep living'' then i'm like ''wait i have shit to live for and there's no proper way to wrap up a life like mine so maybe ill just keep going till i KNOW its my time'' then i feel nothing for a little and then im too happy or positive for like a day and then it restarts. before i feel like it would take close to a month for each part of the cycle and over time its just gotten shorter and shorter. at least i'm able to recognize it i guess but its almost worse because it all feels more inevitable. everyday i think more and more was my life always this way. like my reality now shapes every memory in a new light and i feel unable to tell whats real anymore. i think i'm either in hell literally or so deep in this shit it doesn't matter what reality is or means anymore because knowing the truth wont change my reality regardless. i'm at a decent part of the cycle rn tho just like "i have no choice but to keep going so i will'' and kinda numb i guess. anyway. im fucked. im eating beef stew rn. if you'd have told younger me id be able to make a STEW id tell you to fuck off. such a simple meal but i feel pride whenever i make it. really whenever i cook in general and it tastes okayish i feel proud i have always liked cooking just suck at it most of the time. people were not lying when they said one of the most annoying parts of being an adult is deciding whats for dinner everyday. my odd relationship with food and being an adult means food takes up way to much of my brain but ig thats better then what id be thinking of otherwise ? take what i can get. ill come back whenever i have the energy to rant about shit properly and not whatever this bs is. maybe talking here helps? maybe its a log so i can understand wtf is happening better? maybe i hope someone will find my shit when im done here and know i knew how awful i was and was trying to fight it. im always trying to fight it. trying. anyway shit post lol
talk soon talk soon <3