how do I stop worrying about the future I won't have?

[leaftomb]

I'd like to be gone by the end of the year, and I wish it'd provide me some comfort to know that but I can't stop worrying about a future I won't have anyway. Realistically, besides keeping up with friends and family, nothing I do right now will really matter since I'll CTB so soon, but I'm still constantly anxious about exams, job applications, and all the stupid bullshit that doesn't really matter anyway. Does anyone else also keep worrying about it, like scared to fuck up their future if they finally decide not to go through with it? I don't wanna be here but I don't wanna fuck everything up for myself if I somehow get my will to live back. I don't wanna spend what's left of my life so worried about everything I do but it's like I can't stop it

 

[MercenariesofMidgar]

I've honestly just been doing the bare minimum until the day comes. But if you're having second thoughts it might be best to not completely fuck up your life if you get a realization you actually want to keep living.

 

[Forveleth]

I kind of went back and forth on this when I started feeling really depressed. For a while I thought about just throwing it all away because I was going to die anyway. Then i did not die. Luckily, I had not made any extreme decisions and I am quite glad I did not.

It changed how I thought about my suicide. Instead of focusing what life I have left on suicide, I am focusing on living life while I am alive until the day I no longer want to live. I am still working, exercising, doing projects, etc. I figure either I will keep living and actually enjoy it or, on the day I choose to die, at least I will not have wasted my time/resources in case I live. It was just a shift in my mindset. Hopefully that makes sense?

 

[ForeverCaHa]

I totally agree with what you're saying. I had thought about completely dropping my current job (what's the point if I'm not going to be around anyway?), but then there's the "what if" question - what if I am around? Then what? The same applies to my university work. If I sack that off and I change my mind about CTB, where would that leave me? But then come the questions of how I'll even manage work and uni with my current mental health. I've already taken 2 months off from uni as it is, but who's to say I'll be ready at that point? Whether I like it or not though, until I actually CTB, I have a life to live, so I can't just drop everything on a whim.

If I do CTB, my career and my research will fade into nothing without me. If I don't CTB, then future me will be at least somewhat grateful that current me didn't drop out. The best we can do is try to set up something of a future for ourselves, and if we make the choice to CTB, we won't be around to face the fallout anyway.

 

[flightlessbutterfly]

In a way, there's no true way to stop worrying. Because the future is so unpredictable, and usually in the worst of ways. I'm worried about so many trivial bullshit and expectations that others have once placed on me in the past, and I'm still on the fence to CTB because of where I live. But if there's one thing that helps, it's allowing yourself the grace to just... Not need to put so much effort into things. Sometimes, the bare minimum is just enough, just enough to keep you going for however long you need/want to go on for. If you manage to find a foothold in the land of the living, even just a small one, you'll find that it'll be easier to do everything bare minimum and slowly transition into a space of healthy worrying and caring about the things you need/want to care about.

I am passively suicidal, not actively, not anymore.. I think. But even then, I still haven't regained the ability to care about my future yet. So, I get it, at least a little. Just move, keep moving until you find a spot where you want to run, or stop moving forever. It doesn't matter right? So try not to let the worrying plague you, let it just.. Exist, I guess? If it doesn't matter, don't let it matter. Do what you need to do, and that's it. Good luck with whatever you decide, either way.