RavenSorrow
Raven of permanent peace
- Jun 3, 2023
- 4
I have Thoughts of CTB since i was a child. I tried choking myself with my blanket because i couldnt handle my parents arguing and being angry at me when i was 4 and it never really stopped being a part of my life since. It really came down tho when i was like 12/13 years old and middle school just complettly messed me up. I was thinking of CTB on a Day to Day basis. Then when i was 14 my dad left home and from there i was not only thinking it, i was wishing it. it got a little bit better when i was finally done with school but when my education started and i became a trainee, everything fell apart again and i dropped to one of my lowest points. i started seeing myself CTBing everywhere. Its really overwhelming for the eyes. I cant look anywhere without seeing myself impaled, run over, cut open, dismembered, beheaded, burned to a crisp or hanging out with my belt. And it never stopped. For 5 years now im seeing myself everyday performing some kind of way to CTB that would not be performable in Real Life without some kind of guts or inhumane control over oneself. I dont want to see this anymore, since i cant do any of those things that i see. All it does is increase the longing for a way to CTB that i can do. I just want to be able to live without thinking that everyone would be better without me and directly seeing myself getting impaled head first by a coat hanger.
Since july 2022 i have a girlfriend and she really hates how i am this mess, that gives up as soon as i spot the first kind of failure or difficulty instead of powering through. which is relatable. I wouldnt want to be with myself either, but its also hard for me not to be. Im trying to change for her to become something she likes more and she called me perfect once or twice but at the same time she is asking me tochange more and she is demanding more and more. It just feels like work. i come home from my education which is work, and then i have even more work. everyday is just work. its not even fun its just work. i tried telling my gf to keep it more relaxed since i wanted to relax with her and not work everyday to become her pet. But then she just said that if im not doing it she is going to find someone else and that we then wont spend that much time together. I was honestly thinking about it, but on the other side i dont want to be all alone again. im a miserable person stuck between choosing a person that will most likely ditch me for someone more useful for her desires and just trying to CTB again. I honestly dont know whats keeping me from doing it. Is it SI? is it my head trying to make me suffer even more till i do it. Is it someone else manipulating me from the shadows. am i being gaslit? Whats keeping me from it? My life is a mess for myself. all i can do is gather up shards and cut myself on those memories that haunt me till i die while everyone is just disapointed in me for being alive/dead/inbetween. There is no hope. There was hope that my gf would change my life to the better. that i would feel safe and that i wouldnt have to worry at all. but so far i only earned more work. more doubts. more hatred for myself and others. more misery and most important more input for my visions of CTB.
Is it wrong of me to write here? Is it showing that i cant trust my gf anymore since she has shown not trustworthy with my vulnerable site? Am i just dragging out the innevitable?
I feel like im beeing sucked out, leaving me apathetic, anoyed, without motivation, empty and weak. Is it wrong that i have these visions. is it all my fault? If it is all my fault, how did i brought this on to myself and how do i stop it from draging me down deeper till im completly alone with no other choice but to CTB or locking myself up to document my miserable state.
Am i a bad person for learning that no one will look after me and therefore making sure first that i am fine and then others? Am i really an Asshole for not being able to understand other humans and their emotions. I'm sorry that i cant relate. i never learned how to. Im trying to learn it but its so hard. Most of the time i can only guess. it feels like people want me to read their thoughts. talking without context like a child and you have to fill in the gaps or have to ask what it means just to get mean looks because they thought you know what they are talking about.
Am i just burned out?
Sorry for derailing from the original topic it just came natural for me to start venting and then see where it takes me.
Since july 2022 i have a girlfriend and she really hates how i am this mess, that gives up as soon as i spot the first kind of failure or difficulty instead of powering through. which is relatable. I wouldnt want to be with myself either, but its also hard for me not to be. Im trying to change for her to become something she likes more and she called me perfect once or twice but at the same time she is asking me tochange more and she is demanding more and more. It just feels like work. i come home from my education which is work, and then i have even more work. everyday is just work. its not even fun its just work. i tried telling my gf to keep it more relaxed since i wanted to relax with her and not work everyday to become her pet. But then she just said that if im not doing it she is going to find someone else and that we then wont spend that much time together. I was honestly thinking about it, but on the other side i dont want to be all alone again. im a miserable person stuck between choosing a person that will most likely ditch me for someone more useful for her desires and just trying to CTB again. I honestly dont know whats keeping me from doing it. Is it SI? is it my head trying to make me suffer even more till i do it. Is it someone else manipulating me from the shadows. am i being gaslit? Whats keeping me from it? My life is a mess for myself. all i can do is gather up shards and cut myself on those memories that haunt me till i die while everyone is just disapointed in me for being alive/dead/inbetween. There is no hope. There was hope that my gf would change my life to the better. that i would feel safe and that i wouldnt have to worry at all. but so far i only earned more work. more doubts. more hatred for myself and others. more misery and most important more input for my visions of CTB.
Is it wrong of me to write here? Is it showing that i cant trust my gf anymore since she has shown not trustworthy with my vulnerable site? Am i just dragging out the innevitable?
I feel like im beeing sucked out, leaving me apathetic, anoyed, without motivation, empty and weak. Is it wrong that i have these visions. is it all my fault? If it is all my fault, how did i brought this on to myself and how do i stop it from draging me down deeper till im completly alone with no other choice but to CTB or locking myself up to document my miserable state.
Am i a bad person for learning that no one will look after me and therefore making sure first that i am fine and then others? Am i really an Asshole for not being able to understand other humans and their emotions. I'm sorry that i cant relate. i never learned how to. Im trying to learn it but its so hard. Most of the time i can only guess. it feels like people want me to read their thoughts. talking without context like a child and you have to fill in the gaps or have to ask what it means just to get mean looks because they thought you know what they are talking about.
Am i just burned out?
Sorry for derailing from the original topic it just came natural for me to start venting and then see where it takes me.
