how do I stop being a defeatist?

[amnotreal]

everything always feels so overwhelming. i easily give up. sometimes i won't even begin to try. how do i recover when I always feel defeated so quickly?

 

[schopenh]

Try not to be afraid to make what are small but achievable goals. Maybe you can't hold down a job, but it doesn't mean you need to lie in bed all day, you know? Can you try go for a walk for 5 minutes today? If you did it then that's a big success.
That's just an example, I don't know your circumstances at all. Whatever it is think about what you really want to achieve (big goal) and see if you can create a small goal first.
Sorry if this doesn't help!
Have a nice day anyway.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

I have a serious problem, I find it almost cringey to see people try and don't want to do that, i'd rather kill myself and be like ha I did it and fuck you, of course i'd be dead so meh.

I honestly as I said before find it a mystery why people aren't killing themselves on mass.

my mindset is totally defeastist I think it's more than just depression.

 

[dandan]

You know what? I've been there before, as a matter of fact I am in there too, I'm here, where I'm living defeat myself, my personal me is defeated. I'm defeated. Like a victim of circumstances.

There's only one way out which has served me before. Which is not easy, nor a beliveable way out, but I has worked before.

You have to buy your way in. You, I, have to out the effort to make in into the winners side, to have us believe that we can do anything and feel that feeling, embody it, own it, earn it.

I've been there before, I've felt living in the winners side before. I've won before. I've been a winner, I did it in a training 6month coaching program, probably one like that of Eipstein one, without the crazy sex. Although one coach did got into a sexual problem with one of the trainee's, but sex it's not the topic here, the achievements are. The accomplishments. Those are good memories.

I want to be a winner again, I need to be there, I need to bring winning here, specially now more than ever because things are either turning better or remaining the same, I don't want the same no more. I don't want that no more.

Success is achieved through effort. Success is engraved into the psyche, into my persona, when I know I'm powerful enough to do anything. So how is this made, it's in fact pretty easy but at the same time pretty hard.

The steps are the following:
Write down a list of goals, which can be achieved tomorrow.
If a goal is larger break it down and schedule task for tomorrow.
Tomorrow you attack the list of goals , scratch them one by one.
Later that night repeat everything you've done, feel your power of accomplishing and taste how good does it feels.
Do the same for the next day.
Repeat and one day through out the day you feel like you can beat any task no matter what it is.
Try goals that oblige / force you to stretch yourself doing things you did not tried before.
Increase that list, it worked wonders for me , I'm doing it again , starting today, setting tasks for today.
I have three.
Clean the house a bit. make an errand
Make one lousy video about my business gaming proposal and share with a few people and get feedback.

 

[MichaelNomad123]

I think it can be helpful to choose something simple, that you don't mind or like doing, and do it often. I walk a lot. The progress of moving from point A to B coupled with the physical response to exercise makes me feel better. I was looking for work religiously for about 2 months, and the process of applying helped me. I have bad eczema in this household I'm in right now, so I have been cleaning my space often. I enjoy cooking, so I make sure to plan my meals and cook big pots that mean I don't have to cook for a few days. I didn't have access to a private washing machine for a long time, so I've been doing laundry on the regular.

All these things are small and stupid chores, but any one of them helps me feel some sense of achievement with my day. I would say that if you're struggling existentially or with long-term thought, focus on the small things and go from there. There are thought exercises that can help you. I don't subscribe to them personally, but it might be helpful for you to think of these chores as "banking" or creating a "reservoir" of confidence in yourself.

Be kind to yourself. Like with many people here, you are probably extremely self-critical. There are many causes and reasons for this, but the solution is always the same. Take it easy. Don't compare yourself to other people. Recognize that most people do not have any degree of shit together. It may appear as such, but it is rarely the case.

 

[sufferingalways]

I think it can be helpful to choose something simple, that you don't mind or like doing, and do it often. I walk a lot. The progress of moving from point A to B coupled with the physical response to exercise makes me feel better. I was looking for work religiously for about 2 months, and the process of applying helped me. I have bad eczema in this household I'm in right now, so I have been cleaning my space often. I enjoy cooking, so I make sure to plan my meals and cook big pots that mean I don't have to cook for a few days. I didn't have access to a private washing machine for a long time, so I've been doing laundry on the regular.

All these things are small and stupid chores, but any one of them helps me feel some sense of achievement with my day. I would say that if you're struggling existentially or with long-term thought, focus on the small things and go from there. There are thought exercises that can help you. I don't subscribe to them personally, but it might be helpful for you to think of these chores as "banking" or creating a "reservoir" of confidence in yourself.

Be kind to yourself. Like with many people here, you are probably extremely self-critical. There are many causes and reasons for this, but the solution is always the same. Take it easy. Don't compare yourself to other people. Recognize that most people do not have any degree of shit together. It may appear as such, but it is rarely the case.

You have a few similarities to me. Small achievements, pile of laundry backlog, eczema.. and I also feel a sense of achievement with doing small things, tidy up, wash every ten days if i can stand it, even just getting out of bed, at 6,pm every day (until we can get a lawyer to kick the landlord's backside..).

 

[MichaelNomad123]

You have a few similarities to me. Small achievements, pile of laundry backlog, eczema.. and I also feel a sense of achievement with doing small things, tidy up, wash every ten days if i can stand it, even just getting out of bed, at 6,pm every day (until we can get a lawyer to kick the landlord's backside..).

It's a healthy approach I think. One step at a time. The only good move to make is to keep moving. The problems arise when we stand still and stagnate

 

[Deleted member 22624]

everything always feels so overwhelming. i easily give up. sometimes i won't even begin to try. how do i recover when I always feel defeated so quickly?

My psych literally gave me all this advice:
"Learn to think positively"
Which is why I'm here :D
Useless

 

[WinterFaust]

I think the fact that you're asking that is a great start honestly. It means that you want things to change and somewhere are hoping that they can. I'm trying recovery and I've had similar feelings for years. I still do. But it's been getting a little easier. I think what's been posted above by @MichaelNomad123 is an excellent place to start or keep going. It was a great reminder to me as well because recently I've been feeling behind everyone since my recent accomplishments include showering everyday and brushing my teeth and enjoying it and sometimes venturing outside, and talking to my online friends. My progress has been slow as hell but I'm out of the pit of depression so it's nice. But I want to be recovered or in the later stretches of recovery already. I'm so impatient and it's frustrating.

That being said, I find that learning to take it easy on yourself for being super overwhelmed and giving up in the past or the present helps. And understanding like, okay, this may happen again but it's okay. Its a very human response to being overwhelmed. It's hard to be kind to yourself but allowing yourself that, giving yourself permission to be tired and give up sometimes, has actually helped me to get more done. I mean, being overwhelmed and stressed about being overwhelmed and stressed is not a great feeling haha. Try to remember that there are reasons that you get overwhelmed. It doesn't just happen out of nowhere if you get exhausted. It is okay to rest while recovering.

Sorry for the essay but I can relate. I'm rooting for you!

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

Yes. Sometimes I pat myself on the back for just getting up off the couch. It is an accomplishment. If I can do that, then I can walk into the kitchen. If I can walk into the kitchen, I can clear up the dishes. If I can clear up the dishes, I can brush my teeth. If I can brush my teeth, I can get dressed.

If I thought, as I lie on the couch, "I need to get up, clean the kitchen and get dressed", that seems overwhelming. One step at a time. Just that one step is a success. Which breeds more success.

Some days, it doesn't happen. But that is okay, too.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I get overwhelmed too and I feel broken and beaten. I try to remember this:

"No matter what hurts you, even if you are overwhelmed, you can never really be beaten unless you actually give up."

Unfortunately, there is more...

"Everyone gives up eventually."

I guess the choice is personal. If you choose to not give up, then the fight can be unrelenting. My sister told me ages ago "You have to concentrate on all the little things because they add up and eventually make a foundation of big things on which you can stand."
I thought she was quoting platitudes, talking bollocks and I ignored her. Until I was broken down into bits and then had no choice but to concentrate on the little things in order to survive. They slowly added up, but it took a long time and a lot of determination. I'm still working on it and I still fail. Just recently, I've been feeling pretty defeated. And that's exactly when I force myself to the things I need to do even though I don't want to. Well, most of the time, anyway.

Some day, I will give up, until then I remember the last stanza of the poem by Robert Frost, Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening...

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

It's on the About bit on my profile. Thanks to @ghostspace and @NeverGoodEnuff

 

[sufferingalways]

It's a healthy approach I think. One step at a time. The only good move to make is to keep moving. The problems arise when we stand still and stagnate

Thank you. It's hard when you haven't much experience in taking it easy on yourself and I relate to that mindset all too well from toxic abusive parents.
I still remember awful times like mother replying to me one day; I had told her;

Some times I just wish I was dead
the cold bitch replied in nasty angry tone
"Well maybe you SHOULD BE!"

I think I was a teenager at the time. My father was abusing me and she knew. Yet sick woman treated me like his affair FFS. That level of dysfunctional. Screwed me up in many ways I know about, but from others also tragically treated this way I've learned even more. Sad people made this way by abhorrent parents.

No words to describe treatment such as this we've been through. "Sick" fits but is lacking in something. "Sick bastards" doesn't come close for me. They loved making me feel awful eg mother enjoyed telling me "you're the result of a burst condom."
Gee thanks.

Ive had a lot of attempts to feel better about myself and gain a sense of self esteem from the therapy I've had and sometimes I get back to knowing I'm NOT worthless but other times I'm just unable.
Currently forced to assert myself due to asshole narcissistic landlord .. but overall I'm sick and exhausted and that's making everything feel like a catch 22.

Sorry for the novel.
To the OP, take it one stage at a time. Otherwise like it has been said it's likely to overwhelm you even more. Try making a list and break it down into what you can do and leave what you can't for another day.

One motivational meme I saw; which seemed kind and helpful;

You can't master the rest of your life in one day, so just master the day, and keeep doing that.

 

[MichaelNomad123]

Thank you. It's hard when you haven't much experience in taking it easy on yourself and I relate to that mindset all too well from toxic abusive parents.
I still remember awful times like mother replying to me one day; I had told her;

Some times I just wish I was dead
the cold bitch replied in nasty angry tone
"Well maybe you SHOULD BE!"

I think I was a teenager at the time. My father was abusing me and she knew. Yet sick woman treated me like his affair FFS. That level of dysfunctional. Screwed me up in many ways I know about, but from others also tragically treated this way I've learned even more. Sad people made this way by abhorrent parents.

No words to describe treatment such as this we've been through. "Sick" fits but is lacking in something. "Sick bastards" doesn't come close for me. They loved making me feel awful eg mother enjoyed telling me "you're the result of a burst condom."
Gee thanks.

Ive had a lot of attempts to feel better about myself and gain a sense of self esteem from the therapy I've had and sometimes I get back to knowing I'm NOT worthless but other times I'm just unable.
Currently forced to assert myself due to asshole narcissistic landlord .. but overall I'm sick and exhausted and that's making everything feel like a catch 22.

Sorry for the novel.
To the OP, take it one stage at a time. Otherwise like it has been said it's likely to overwhelm you even more. Try making a list and break it down into what you can do and leave what you can't for another day.

One motivational meme I saw; which seemed kind and helpful;

You can't master the rest of your life in one day, so just master the day, and keeep doing that.

Your parents sound like monsters, to me. Life is not supposed to be like that. One of my biggest revelations as an adult in my late 20s was how my girlfriend of the time interacted with her family. It was warm, friendly, sometimes dysfunctional but never maliciously so and above all, supportive. I realized then that my childhood was not normal and that I had some significant repairing to do. I like to remind myself as I struggle into my 30s now, that I could have turned out MUCH worse and the fact that I didn't was all me. It becomes a point of pride.

I like this quote about mastery. I think I'll steal it!

 

[sufferingalways]

Your parents sound like monsters, to me. Life is not supposed to be like that. One of my biggest revelations as an adult in my late 20s was how my girlfriend of the time interacted with her family. It was warm, friendly, sometimes dysfunctional but never maliciously so and above all, supportive. I realized then that my childhood was not normal and that I had some significant repairing to do. I like to remind myself as I struggle into my 30s now, that I could have turned out MUCH worse and the fact that I didn't was all me. It becomes a point of pride.

I like this quote about mastery. I think I'll steal it!

Thank you they absolutely were. In 1999 I went to see a trainee lady we worked together 6 months and she told me one day;

You have a choice. You can accept what little they offer or you can cut ties completely.

This was a revelation to me, and to this day I think of that trainee lady with fondness. S was brilliant, just the right person at the right time. Started in January 1999 and before the session ended I had chosen. Cut ties. Mother hung up the phone on me one day after being told by fathers mother (in the room with her) "tell her you got to go toilet "

This began with her telling granny "she's asking questions" which tellls me even more sinister things that make me want to puke.
Granny toxic then said the above and when I told my (then partner) what was just said he replied "that shows how deep the shit goes."

Despite us not being a couple now, he's never walked out. Hes not good at offering a hug regardless I've said it a hundred or so times when Im upset.
I get a hug or a talk with him if I push/ ask for some.
Sadly as 27 years friendship seems to have meant nothing in this way to him, I don't push any more I just come here where people "get it"

If I talk about wanting to ctb he's not there mentally and I could likely do it right under his nose. This makes me feel fucking lonely. I said one day "you wouldnt miss me." Then he does a verbal response but nothing seems to move him. Not that I ever want to provoke him that's not me. I just feel nothing's worth the effort especially with the landord abusing us as well now.

This town has the 6th highest rate for suicide in the county so maybe the council are knowingly pushing their tenants to it. Wonder if the BBC local news team would like to know about that..?

 

[MichaelNomad123]

Thank you they absolutely were. In 1999 I went to see a trainee lady we worked together 6 months and she told me one day;

You have a choice. You can accept what little they offer or you can cut ties completely.

This was a revelation to me, and to this day I think of that trainee lady with fondness. S was brilliant, just the right person at the right time. Started in January 1999 and before the session ended I had chosen. Cut ties. Mother hung up the phone on me one day after being told by fathers mother (in the room with her) "tell her you got to go toilet "

This began with her telling granny "she's asking questions" which tellls me even more sinister things that make me want to puke.
Granny toxic then said the above and when I told my (then partner) what was just said he replied "that shows how deep the shit goes."

Despite us not being a couple now, he's never walked out. Hes not good at offering a hug regardless I've said it a hundred or so times when Im upset.
I get a hug or a talk with him if I push/ ask for some.
Sadly as 27 years friendship seems to have meant nothing in this way to him, I don't push any more I just come here where people "get it"

If I talk about wanting to ctb he's not there mentally and I could likely do it right under his nose. This makes me feel fucking lonely. I said one day "you wouldnt miss me." Then he does a verbal response but nothing seems to move him. Not that I ever want to provoke him that's not me. I just feel nothing's worth the effort especially with the landord abusing us as well now.

This town has the 6th highest rate for suicide in the county so maybe the council are knowingly pushing their tenants to it. Wonder if the BBC local news team would like to know about that..?

That's some great advice from that lady. Good job her and good job you following it.

I think if you've known someone for 27 years, you would know better than anyone else how someone feels for you. I know that in previous relationships, friends or otherwise, I sometimes have difficulties offering compassion. Life has a habit of wearing down our sensitivity and we need time to regrow. Perhaps he is the same.

 

[sufferingalways]

That's some great advice from that lady. Good job her and good job you following it.

I think if you've known someone for 27 years, you would know better than anyone else how someone feels for you. I know that in previous relationships, friends or otherwise, I sometimes have difficulties offering compassion. Life has a habit of wearing down our sensitivity and we need time to regrow. Perhaps he is the same.

That's an interesting view thank you.
He doesn't talk much about what upsets him (though with prodding he can open up a bit) and although I get this can be a male thing I also know he doesn't want to upset me with his distant ness (not a real word but suits my meaning ) so I can't understand why he still is far away two seats away.

I try to make allowances for his age too (17 years older than me) but there's only so much one can make allowances for when needing physical support eg hug or a good deep wtf hurts each of us.. conversation.

 

[MichaelNomad123]

That's an interesting view thank you.
He doesn't talk much about what upsets him (though with prodding he can open up a bit) and although I get this can be a male thing I also know he doesn't want to upset me with his distant ness (not a real word but suits my meaning ) so I can't understand why he still is far away two seats away.

I try to make allowances for his age too (17 years older than me) but there's only so much one can make allowances for when needing physical support eg hug or a good deep wtf hurts each of us.. conversation.

That sounds like a difficult situation to me. I don't envy it. Engaging with folks that seemingly don't want to be engaged with is something that I haven't figured out how to deal with yet. It would be around about that time that I throw my hands in the air and declare I'm from another planet.

 

[sufferingalways]

That sounds like a difficult situation to me. I don't envy it. Engaging with folks that seemingly don't want to be engaged with is something that I haven't figured out how to deal with yet. It would be around about that time that I throw my hands in the air and declare I'm from another planet.

I hear you. I won't try now. Made my mind up. I am not prodding any more. If he wants to clam up because he doesn't like something he can cope on his own.
I can go find my own space. Would solve a number of problems .. although likely to create a few new ones too. Private rented usually don't allow pets.

 

[MichaelNomad123]

I hear you. I won't try now. Made my mind up. I am not prodding any more. If he wants to clam up because he doesn't like something he can cope on his own.
I can go find my own space. Would solve a number of problems .. although likely to create a few new ones too. Private rented usually don't allow pets.

Aye. Trading one set of problems for another. I think it's healthy to progress in some direction though. I think most private rentals won't give a shit as long as you pay rent on time. I haven't stayed in a place yet that has ever bothered to check the place.

 

[sufferingalways]

Aye. Trading one set of problems for another. I think it's healthy to progress in some direction though. I think most private rentals won't give a shit as long as you pay rent on time. I haven't stayed in a place yet that has ever bothered to check the place.

Ok thanks for that. Progress is ultimately what I need and one way or another I will find / make some.