how do i stop being a bad person?

[SectOfValtiel]

i used to have this philosophy on people
like, i know how powerful it can be to have someone reach out and say something nice... used to know anyway
now it feels like it just pisses me off, feels like theyre wasting their time on me
but my point is id try to go out of my way whenever i had the energy for it just to make someones day even the tiniest bit better
say a kind word, try and be a friend when i could, whatever
i think thats how i ended up in half my shitty relationships, too
i was just... nice, when i could be

but the past three years
i know its cliche to say it, but thats how it feels
like something inside me utterly died and now i dont trust anyone anymore
i just cant
and why bother putting in all this effort for someone thats gonna forget you exist the second their eyes arent on that DM or whatever?
i hate how cold ive gotten
i know in the long run its gonna save me some pain but still haha, i miss being nice just to be nice
i miss being a better person
feeling like a person *at all*
even though it honestly did feel like i was only capable of it when i was high
thats what everyone around me seemed to think
so many told me they liked me better when i was, and i think its because it made it so much easier to ignore those BPD symptoms
sober though i feel like i have zero control over my impulses, my thoughts, especially my assumptions

how do you even go about fixing that when its all from more or less unprocessed trauma? i mean to be completely fair putting this in recovery feels like a joke because im pretty sure im incapable of bettering myself in any way, but
still
processing that trauma doesnt seem to be a possibility
think my therapist at the very least has given up trying
i would rather be a better person burned for it than continue to isolate and hate everyone
if i cant be happy i at least want to be able to make someone else happy- or at least the ability to try to again despite this constant feeling that ill never be able to
how do you stop thoughts like that from completely halting any attempt at 'progress'?

 

[timf]

There is a sort of spectrum from complete selfishness to complete selflessness.If one is more towards the selflessness end and gets burned with bad experiences, they can move towards the selfish end just out of self protection.To move back towards the selfless end of the spectrum, it can be useful to make better assessments so that risk is lower. In a prosperous, materialist, consumer society finding those who can reciprocate selflessness is more difficult.

Once can practice improving one's ability to make assessments like with doing volunteer work where one can see someone new start and make an initial assessment. Then over time as you work with someone and get to know them a little better see what sort of characteristics (good or bad) could have been discernible earlier on.

 

[Ultracheese]

As someone who has also gone through a lot of unprocessed trauma and has alienated most, if not all, the people in my life, I can definitely relate to a lot of the feelings you're experiencing. You mention that if you can't be happy, you want to be able to make others happy. That right there is indication that you're not a bad person. I don't have much advice on the subject, as I'm in a similar rut myself, but I wish you good luck and hope you're able to find ways to help those around you.

 

[SectOfValtiel]

As someone who has also gone through a lot of unprocessed trauma and has alienated most, if not all, the people in my life, I can definitely relate to a lot of the feelings you're experiencing. You mention that if you can't be happy, you want to be able to make others happy. That right there is indication that you're not a bad person. I don't have much advice on the subject, as I'm in a similar rut myself, but I wish you good luck and hope you're able to find ways to help those around you.

hahaha the problem being ive done nothing but fail at both
and now i feel so far gone i cant even try
i just cant see a reason anymore
why would i go out of my way for a person thats going to forget me the second were done talking?
why bother with people that you already know arent sticking around, who wouldnt ever go out of their way for you the same?

is it really an indication of being a good person, or is it an indication of being the kind of person who was only nice to others because it meant they were nice back? someone who was only being nice because it meant they got attention for awhile... or because being nice made me feel better for a bit
i dont think that means i was a 'good person', just that i was selfish, and good people usually arent

i wish you the same, hopefully you find a way out of that rut

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

i feel like I've answered your question (in a roundabout way) a bit better in another thread on here, titled 'afraid of the future but can't bear to break a promise'. But I will try to expand on that a bit here as I think it might be relevant.

Here's the thing, ultimately at the end of the day, most people suck. Mostly it's not intentional, but people just do. And they'll let you down, even if you've gone out of your way to be the best person you can be towards them.

Thing is, it's not about them. It's about you. What do you believe, who do you want to be?

I've gone through my life fighting to be the best person I could be, when I could probably have done so much better by being the bastard I know I could be. And for all that effort and sacrifice, I'm alone, heavily depressed, and suicidal. And where are all the people I gave my everything for? Because they sure as hell aren't here supporting me.

I could be bitter about that. Some might say justifiably. But I'm not. Because like I said, it's not about them. I did what I thought I was right. I tried to be the person I wanted to be. And regardless of where I've ended up, I wouldn't change a thing I did. Because I know I did my best.

Maybe that sounds hollow, or worthless. But really, when you think about it. Being able to look at yourself and knowing that you always kept your end up, that's the only thing that really matters. You can't control other people, or make their choices for them. But you can make yours.

Who do you want to be?