Help how do i pry myself away from the website when it's not helping me?

[monetpompo]

i keep thinking about death. i tell the people i'm close to about death and it distresses them. the people i talk to on here die all the time. i'm tweaking out every day thinking about dying. i wanna break things for no reason. in reality, this isn't the site's fault at all, it's because i'm isolating from everyone i know and i pretty much never leave my house. of course i'm gonna think about death to cope and go on here all day.

i hung out with a friend (friend-ish, we don't talk or see each other much) 2 days ago and it was nice. i liked hanging out with her more than my sister, since i have to act happy around my sister. i can't really arrange things with her that often since she has a full time job, but she said she'll call me when she's free again. i won't see her as my saving grace since that'd be dumb, but i realized that i can still act like a normal person even if i'm a total sasu tweaker 24/7, rain or shine. the lack of things i have going on in my life and the lack of importance i feel on a daily basis makes me incredibly jealous of people, and the feelings have been getting worse because of my self isolation, since i imagine them frolicking in a field and feeling happy even though they're probably just living their lives. just without me in it. a part of me wishes that people would want me in their lives, like pull me out of my house to come and see me. but i live too far away from anyone i know for that to ever happen. i don't want to have a stint with a guy just so i have company either. my self esteem is low enough that i'd do anything to make a guy like me. staying in my house day after day makes me feel like the slug ted turns into in I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream. i want to run out of my house screaming sometimes, but i need a license to go further than my neighborhood. i want to go to the city so badly. i want to drive on a highway.

i'm biding my time until i die. i can still die, even if i don't die today, but some nights are so hard that i want to spontaneaously combust so i don't have to be embarrassed about the way i acted the night before. i know i'm not a likable person because of the mental state that i'm in. like, i barely do anything besides think about being sad, i starve myself, and i think about how everyone's happier than me. this lack of importance makes me want to thrash show people how angry i am, because me trying to do anything just feels futile when i always feel inadequate.

i got jealous of some employees working at the grocery store today, like a loser. they were making small talk with each other, and the guy glances at me for a second while still talking. i look like total SHIT by the way. i'm wearing a huge t shirt that says "coolest cats and kittens" and my pajama pants. fuck my life. i'm looking back at him since i'm walking past him. then he turned to the girl he was talking to again. he probably forgot about me immediately, or wanted to forget about me, since i look like a weird sad person. in my head i wondered if i could ever be like those people, even though i was right next to them. it reminded me of mannequins in a clothing store. they're the shape of a person and they're exactly who they're supposed to be. i'm the slimy and gross observer. when i was in my closet earlier today, i saw my favorite corduroy jacket i wore while i was still attending my community college. i haven't worn it in months, but i used to wear it around the house and while i was at school. it's such a silly thing to remember the person who i used to be. i'm still "that" person. but things got bad and all of sudden i think about suicide every day. i have a picture of me smiling while i wore the jacket.

 

[snooperdooper]

It's difficult to offer ways to stay off the ctb website when your main goal right now is to ctb (at least what I got from this post is that this is your end goal). I do know that you're a trans man, don't know how far along in your transition you are. But what has helped me stay off the website for a couple weeks is just fantasizing about all the outlandish things that modern medicine could do to help my transition. Even things that are currently impossible, like height reduction surgery to make me shorter or whatever. Nose jobs, new glasses to feminize my face, hair straightening. Just thinking about how THIS world could theoretically become the one I fantasize about constantly helps my mind off of sasu because in here is where there is a sliver of possibility of living life as a cute girl (in the afterlife). I don't know how well that'll work for you, but it's just what has helped me. It isn't the healthiest coping mechanism, but, I mean, I don't think the healthy ones have offered you much support. Sorry for what you're going through.

 

[whybother2002]

You need to first figure out a way to block the site (which is easy and you're probably very computer savvy considering your age) then you fill all the time that you usually spend here with another thing — this is the "harder" part. You like anime, maybe you don't have the force to watch a new series, but have you consider watching some podcast that talks about anime? For instance, Mega64 and their immense archive is what saved me during sometime ago. Maybe you start to follow a few channels on Twitch or Youtube, some by LGBTQIA+ creators. Some have discord servers with people all around the US. Through these things you gain a new routine: today there will be a new episode of X, tomorrow a livestream, etc. Yes, dumb things at first but they're critical (at least imo) when you're recovering. The main thing is keeping your mind busy. Of course, this won't make you happy but it will make you keep going. One day at a time.

 

[vitbar]

Block the site as mentioned above. It sounds silly as you can unblock at any time, but that added effort gives you time to change your mind. Short of that you can try and notice the urge and decide to wait five minutes before coming here. This kind of practice trains your control.

 

[Pluto]

 

[FrozenSummer]

Umm, I actually love that shirt!