Help How do I prepare to be alone with my thoughts?

[Flick]

Scared of what's to come.
How do you be alone with your thoughts when you've spent so long (and done very well) running/avoiding?

Background:
I've been working really hard on keeping myself busy for the last few months, and it's been going well. I've been doing a lot better mentally and just, overall better.
I've essentially spent my time running away from being alone with my own thoughts for more than a few hours at a time.
But finals are coming up, and I'm finishing my course soon. Last one is 2 days from now.
I can no longer keep myself busy with work and classes. Of course I'll be finding other ways, but quarantine just got re-implemented in my area and all my previous plans have gone to shit.
Trying to set up other things for myself, but it's all going to have to be alone at home - I live alone.
Don't have anywhere else to go so I can't run from this.
And I am absolutely terrified. No (free) weekly mandatory counselling, no going out to get my mind of things, just alone with thoughts. I already feel them creeping up on me.

What do I do?
Feeling terribly alone and it hasn't even begun.

 

[Ghost2211]

I can empathize a lot with this. I've had kids around me for 9 years now... what will I do with myself and my thoughts when they are not here. I don't remember how to be alone.

I guess you explore hobbies. Gaming has worked for me in the past.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I wish i could help with some practical advice, I so do. I've spent my life alone, regardless of all the wonderful connections I've had. It's me and I'm used to it and can't live any other way, I'm not even sure I'd want to.
But I can see most people aren't like that and I don't know what to suggest. I guess either you are forced to explore the idea of being alone or you will have to find a way of avoiding it.

 

[VivaldiBR]

Your thoughts, mostly of the time, are your ego talking. And he always will be pessimist and hopeless. Feel all your emotions, but dont believe in your thoughts.

Dont ignore your emotions. Feel it all. Its important. Dont run away of feeling sad, alone or anything. Its lawful. Remember only not hear and believe in your thoughts. They are certanly lies.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Your thoughts, mostly of the time, are your ego talking. And he always will be pessimist and hopeless. Feel all your emotions, but dont believe in your thoughts.

Dont ignore your emotions. Feel it all. Its important. Dont run away of feeling sad, alone or anything. Its lawful. Remember only not hear and believe in your thoughts. They are certanly lies.

I agree with that. Feel what you feel but don't be enslaved to your feelings or your thoughts. It's a tough path to walk to be honest and genuinely feel things instead of repressing them, but not to let your thoughts rule you.

 

[LonelyDude15]

I wish I could throw myself into work or school, that'd solve a lot of my problems tbh, but I can only distract myself with a screen because I need the distraction to be stimulating

 

[VivaldiBR]

Don't run away from your emotions with distractions. Feel it all. The hard part is to overcome your thoughts. Thats when things get complicated. And you have to practice your mind to not believe in your thoughts.

If you run away from your emotions it will be harder afterwards.

 

[Flick]

It's more of, I've tried facing it head on
And it's disastrous
completely, utterly disastrous

I feel that having no where to go, it's going to engulf me
My plan of dealing with it slowly is going to go to shit.
and I don't know how to stop it.
I know I don't yet have the capacity to feel everything and be okay with it in a wholesome way- I have not developed enough to do that. My emotional capacity has always been stunted - which I'm trying to work on gradually.

hobbies and all, I game too
But thoughts are loud
It engulfs me then I'm gone
I need to stop it from happening before the fact
I don't know how.

what can I set up beforehand?
What Precautionary measures?

 

[Ghost2211]

It's more of, I've tried facing it head on
And it's disastrous
completely, utterly disastrous

I feel that having no where to go, it's going to engulf me
My plan of dealing with it slowly is going to go to shit.
and I don't know how to stop it.
I know I don't yet have the capacity to feel everything and be okay with it in a wholesome way- I have not developed enough to do that. My emotional capacity has always been stunted - which I'm trying to work on gradually.

hobbies and all, I game too
But thoughts are loud
It engulfs me then I'm gone
I need to stop it from happening before the fact
I don't know how.

what can I set up beforehand?
What Precautionary measures?

Assemble a big list of games and movies. Maybe make a daily schedule of hobbies and activities. Do certain chores each day so there is a bit to do each day. Go for walks when you get restless. Plan menus and get more involved in cooking. Would a pet help?

I'm like you in that regard. I can't just embrace and overcome the loneliness. I've felt it before. It's a pain that burrows deep, and is loud and over powering. it feels like a constant battle to keep it from creeping in. I do the above things to drown it out and pass time. If all else fails I just get stoned.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

I recommend ( guided) meditation. It takes practice,but for me it did a lot of good

 

[VivaldiBR]

I guess the only way is to face it entirely. I didnt have the opportunity too. Im trying to deal with my pain everyday, but im practicing not to hear my thoughts or trying to change them.

One advice: everybody suffers, even the ones we imagine they have a happy life. Thats a good thought to replace the bad ones.

 

[Flick]

@RoseyBird,
Fair enough, that works
Am trying to do that, but I'm kinda stuck with things that can only be done within these four walls due to quarantine
And my apartment is some low end shit because that's all I can afford, so no cooking or anything
I've been throwing myself into other hobbies, but nothing ever makes me feel accomplished unless it gives me validation (that's a whole other problem there)
I have a pet, my best boi pupper, but he stays at my family home as my apartment doesn't allow pets
I have a pet, my best boi pupper, but he stays at my family home as my apartment doesn't allow pets
It breaks my heart to leave him, but the situation at home was genuinely dangerous for me
And he likes it there, the space and all

essentially, I'm afraid that I'm still going to be engulfed because it's no longer "if I have a breakdown or even give my emotions enough thought to the point where I actually _feel_ it, my life will crumble even more"
Which I guess is good that it's no longer "put out or die"
But I know I created that because it's safer for me
And not having it is scary

yeah, it's a pain thats buried deep
I'm glad you were able to put that in better words that I could
It gnaws at you constantly

I'm trying to work on the not getting stoned all the time part though,
____________________________________

@VivaldiBR

how do you practise not hearing them when everything else is quiet and they're the only things left screaming?

 

[Ghost2211]

Have you looked into local laws about emotional support animals? If your pup was medically necessary you could have him regardless of no pet rules.

 

[MrBlue]

I've found allotting certain time to let myself be alone with my own thoughts quite helpful. I can still acknowledge my worries so I don't feel like I'm ignoring the reality of the situation but I only dwell on them for 5-10 mins so I don't feel trapped in my own head too much. I know my head's a dangerous place sometimes so have to work around it a little.

 

[VivaldiBR]

Flick, I dont have those answer because i dont even know how to calm down my darkest thoughts. Everyday i think about CTB.

But i did some movements. I told my family, friends, psychologist and psychiatrist about ctb planning. Its important to break the taboo. You dont have to suffer alone and ppl who loves you certanly will help. A lot of people are helping me now.

Also, im getting into buddhism, meditation, self-knowledged, psychology, mental heath and others related subjects. Im reading about those stuffs, trying to put in practice everyday, focus on the present, and so on.

And most important:
try to differentiate your emotions from your thoughts. Feeling sadness, loneliness, despair, anguish, confusion, is normal and legitimate. But thinking about the past and the future with negative thoughts is the worst way to deal with your emotions. Do not listen to your thoughts. Most of the time, they are a big lie. Thats why its important to looking for some knowlegde and practice them to defend yourself from your ego.

Again, feel everything. Don't blame yourself because suffering is part of it. I know how difficult it is because I'm going through this.

I'm trying to move these more rational "methods" to the emotional side with the tools I'm looking for. I don't know if it will work, but many people did the same and it worked.