how do i muster the courage to ctb?

[athyy]

ive been thinking about it since forever. im miserable. what pushed me to make this account and visit this website was when i got consistently harassed and bullied by a classmate, until it ended in him publicly humiliating me then punching me in face just for existing. what made it worse was whenever i spoke about my feelings i was told that "hes just a boy" and "boys do these things to girls because they dont know any better" and the one i hate the most: "he probably just likes you". ive been hearing this from my counsellor, my parents, my friends, teachers. im sick of being called 'annoying', 'overdramatic', 'terrorist', 'bomber', 'ugly', 'stupid', 'worthless'

i just want it all to end. but im terrified. im a very sensitive and fearful person. im scared of basically everything. i hate it. i dont know where i can muster the bravery to just end it all. fear is the top thing holding me back. any advice on how to get past it?

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Anyone that could really give you that advice is already gone. We are all still here so what do we really know about courage enough to do it.

 

[athyy]

Anyone that could really give you that advice is already gone. We are all still here so what do we really know about courage enough to do it.

i had that exact thought in my head as i was writing that post, but im holding out for hope for anything that might help me. im just so tired of being held back by my own fear.

 

[cosmic-joke]

One word...xanax

 

[sserafim]

ive been thinking about it since forever. im miserable. what pushed me to make this account and visit this website was when i got consistently harassed and bullied by a classmate, until it ended in him publicly humiliating me then punching me in face just for existing. what made it worse was whenever i spoke about my feelings i was told that "hes just a boy" and "boys do these things to girls because they dont know any better" and the one i hate the most: "he probably just likes you". ive been hearing this from my counsellor, my parents, my friends, teachers. im sick of being called 'annoying', 'overdramatic', 'terrorist', 'bomber', 'ugly', 'stupid', 'worthless'

i just want it all to end. but im terrified. im a very sensitive and fearful person. im scared of basically everything. i hate it. i dont know where i can muster the bravery to just end it all. fear is the top thing holding me back. any advice on how to get past it?

I'm wondering this as well. I'm too scared of the risk of failure to try…I'd hate to end up with permanent damage from a failed attempt. Getting brain damage or becoming paralyzed scares me

 

[SmollMushroom]

One word...xanax

Yeah but by itself, it does nothing, it just makes you fall asleep.
Also what would be the dosage to pass out fast enough?

 

[athyy]

ive thought of overdosing, but got too intimidated and dropped it. the descriptions i read of what the survivors experienced shook me. i also read a lot about people talking about liver failure, and if i were to survive, i would be taking an organ away from someone who would need it, and i feel too guilty.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

i had that exact thought in my head as i was writing that post, but im holding out for hope for anything that might help me. im just so tired of being held back by my own fear.

Aren't we all. I used to think it would be so easy, until I was looking down 16 stories. Now I live in despair everyday. If you get an answer let me know.

 

[athyy]

I'm wondering this as well. I'm too scared of the risk of failure to try…I'd hate to end up with permanent damage from a failed attempt. Getting brain damage or becoming paralyzed scares me

this exactly is one of my biggest concerns. also, the shaming i'd get from my family. suicide is discouraged in the religion my family practices, so they'd all hate me.

Aren't we all. I used to think it would be so easy, until I was looking down 16 stories. Now I live in despair everyday. If you get an answer let me know.

of course, ill let you know.

 

[cosmic-joke]

Yeah but by itself, it does nothing, it just makes you fall asleep.
Also what would be the dosage to pass out fast enough?

Yeah but by itself, it does nothing, it just makes you fall asleep.
Also what would be the dosage to pass out fast enough?

The threads about getting courage to CTB not fall asleep, xanax gets rid of the fear and SI completely, with no tolerence 10-15 mg would knock you out, though for sleep I would recommend flualprazolam

 

[athyy]

The threads about getting courage to CTB not fall asleep, xanax gets rid of the fear and SI completely, with no tolerence 10-15 mg would knock you out, though for sleep I would recommend flualprazolam

so if i took xanax, i wouldnt experience any fear?

 

[SmollMushroom]

The threads about getting courage to CTB not fall asleep, xanax gets rid of the fear and SI completely, with no tolerence 10-15 mg would knock you out, though for sleep I would recommend flualprazolam

Yeah but your first response was very vague and open to misinterpretation. Thanks for the clarification tho.

 

[cosmic-joke]

so if i took xanax, i wouldnt experience any fear?

None, but the risk is it makes you feel so good you won't want to CTB, a high dose of valium would work too, if you took 3-5 mg of pharma xanax (don't buy bars) SI will be massively reduced.

 

[athyy]

None, but the risk is it makes you feel so good you won't want to CTB, a high dose of valium would work too, if you took 3-5 mg of pharma xanax (don't buy bars) SI will be massively reduced.

thanks for the advice, ill look into it. the risk of it making me feel so good i wouldnt want to ctb is making me shy away from it, but thanks anyway.

 

[Gonnerr]

If we had the answer, we would all be gone.

Maybe drugs or alcohol, a good smell like perfume or something else while you do it.

Music might help.

 

[Kobusu]

ive been thinking about it since forever. im miserable. what pushed me to make this account and visit this website was when i got consistently harassed and bullied by a classmate, until it ended in him publicly humiliating me then punching me in face just for existing. what made it worse was whenever i spoke about my feelings i was told that "hes just a boy" and "boys do these things to girls because they dont know any better" and the one i hate the most: "he probably just likes you". ive been hearing this from my counsellor, my parents, my friends, teachers. im sick of being called 'annoying', 'overdramatic', 'terrorist', 'bomber', 'ugly', 'stupid', 'worthless'

i just want it all to end. but im terrified. im a very sensitive and fearful person. im scared of basically everything. i hate it. i dont know where i can muster the bravery to just end it all. fear is the top thing holding me back. any advice on how to get past it?

Terror is natural in the face of death. Even when you think you're ready, you never are, because you can't be. When I attempted and I was on the brink of death my body physically recoiled and fought from terror. It's okay to be scared, it would only be concerning if you weren't. Life is all we know, and dying is releasing literally our entire existence. I don't know if I have an answer for you, because I don't believe living beings can ever lose that fear. It's fundamental to being alive in the first place.

 

[With0ut]

ive thought of overdosing, but got too intimidated and dropped it. the descriptions i read of what the survivors experienced shook me. i also read a lot about people talking about liver failure, and if i were to survive, i would be taking an organ away from someone who would need it, and i feel too guilty.

imo surviving drug overdose (not wanting to die so maybe it's a different experience) isn't that terrible of a thing to go through, slightly traumatizing i do admit but not enough to turn me away from the idea.

 

[cosmic-joke]

The threads about getting courage to CTB not fall asleep, xanax gets rid of the fear and SI completely, with no tolerence 10-15 mg would knock you out, though for sleep I would recommend flualprazolam

thanks for the advice, ill look into it. the risk of it making me feel so good i wouldnt want to ctb is making me shy away from it, but thanks anyway.

I doubt it will be an issue if your not a benzo addict like me, any benzi is essential when CTB unless your in a extremely intense emotional state like a bpd episode. Also any benzodiazapine will work.

 

[athyy]

If we had the answer, we would all be gone.

Maybe drugs or alcohol, a good smell like perfume or something else while you do it.

Music might help.

thanks for the advice.

Terror is natural in the face of death. Even when you think you're ready, you never are, because you can't be. When I attempted and I was on the brink of death my body physically recoiled and fought from terror. It's okay to be scared, it would only be concerning if you weren't. Life is all we know, and dying is releasing literally our entire existence. I don't know if I have an answer for you, because I don't believe living beings can ever lose that fear. It's fundamental to being alive in the first place.

thank you for this. its comforting having my fear validated.

imo surviving drug overdose (not wanting to die so maybe it's a different experience) isn't that terrible of a thing to go through, slightly traumatizing i do admit but not enough to turn me away from the idea.

really? wow, ive seen completely different opinions during my research. maybe ill consider opening myself back up to it, though im still unsure.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really wish there's a straightforward way to just easily find true peace from this existence, it's so dreadful to me how it's so difficult to die. I imagine that many who managed to succeed had access to a method they felt confident in and they just got so determined to leave, I envy them especially as we exist in this society where suicide is cruelly made so inaccessible.

 

[athyy]

I really wish there's a straightforward way to just easily find true peace from this existence, it's so dreadful to me how it's so difficult to die. I imagine that many who managed to succeed had access to a method they felt confident in and they just got so determined to leave, I envy them especially as we exist in this society where suicide is cruelly made so inaccessible.

its really unfortunate. people should be allowed to leave this world if they really want to, without people trying to 'save' them.