How do I learn this?

[alltoomuch2]

I'm late diagnosed autistic. Always found conversations and social stuff difficult. Since my breakdown I've felt no hope, no purpose, wanted to ctb. Then I realised id like to help people who had mental suffering by volunteering for the Samaritans, and getting a job with the mental health services as a peer support worker. I started going to wellbeing centres etc and starting to talk to people, just normal talking, not about mental health. And twice I have made someone feel obviously worse. They were fine talking to others, just not me. And that's taken away my hope again. How can I be a peer support worker or Samaritan if I make people feel bad. Is there some way I can find out what I'm doing wrong, or learn to do it right? To be able to calm and encourage people. To make them feel better. Anyone with ASD got any ideas, otherwise it's back on the other Sasu thread for me

 

[LookingForPresent]

Late diagnosed here too. English is not my native language, and I have ASD, so if clarification is needed, please ask.

Talking to people with mental problems is hard—like, hardcore hard—even for people without our challenges. It's like you're literally fighting a demon king with a debuff and a rusty sword. Why not play to your strengths instead? I assume you have a healthy body that can do simple manual work. There are many types of volunteer work that may suit you better and be easier for you.

Giving blood is easy and rewarding. I have been doing it for some time, and it's one of my reasons to live. One donation can save three people's lives. In Samaritan organizations, you could help with cleaning, cooking, or administrative tasks. Many of us find joy in organizing things that neurotypical (NT) people find frustrating and boring. Another option is to start with animals; many shelters need people to care for abandoned pets. Or consider working at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. People with mental problems are much more likely to be homeless, and giving them a meal provides instant satisfaction.

Looking at your posts, you don't seem to be in the best mental space right now. The first rule of helping others is, "Make sure that there are not two people who need help," i.e., help in such a way that you won't end up needing help yourself. Drowning people tend to drag lifeguards down with them because their survival instinct makes them cling to anything for thier dear life. You might not have been in the best headspace that day to be helping others. Their emotions might have been too overwhelming and suffocated you. This is absolutely normal for late-diagnosed folks like us, as we often didn't receive help in understanding when the world is too much.

Unfortunately, as a late diagnosed autist, you need to learn for yourself where your limits are, what is too much, and how your body and mind signal that you need to slow down. I would recommend other options until you learn these boundaries to avoid hurting yourself. We were taught to ignore our limits and discomfort and push through because people do not understand autistic needs. The saying "go out of your comfort zone" does not mean that it should hurt. There is a comfort zone and a pain zone. You should never go into the pain zone. If you come home and are dead tired just want to crawl into your bed and cry yourself to sleep, you've gone beyond the pain zone. If you come home feeling a little tired but still want to make that easy cheesy quesadilla your friend gave you the recipe for and relax, you're happy with the work you did today, that's pushing beyond your comfort zone. You should NOT push beyond your comfort zone every day! Doing so shrinks the pain zone and makes it more difficult to recover. Recovery time is extremely important!

For studying human behavior: psychology and observation are key. First, learn to understand yourself. Then, understand the differences between NT (neurotypical) and ND (neurodivergent) people. By understanding yourself, you will better understand others. Have someone you can talk openly with about how they feel in the moment. For example, if you're talking and you're not sure if they are angry, you can ask, "Hey, are you angry right now, or am I misinterpreting things?" This helps tune your brain to notice patterns and get better at understanding clues. We don't notice nonverbal cues instinctively, so we need to expend mental energy on noticing, categorizing, and understanding them. The payoff is that (in my opinion) we have it down to a craft after a while. When a harder question comes and intsinct alone cannot solve it we with our patterns can solve it. Remember, taking care of yourself is the most important rule.

 

[Abandoned Character]

The most powerful kinds of support we can offer is a genuine "I hear you." To let them know they are allowed to feel exactly how they feel, in whatever intensity they are experiencing it. Your job as a support system is not to tell them what to do or what you think their experience means. Your job is to provide the person with a safe container to be themselves in that moment. There is a reason therapists go through so much training--when working with peoples sensitivities, it is very easy to make a misstep and worsen their condition. So, cut you self some slack. You're doing a wonderful job by merely trying.

Ram Dass would say that if your mindfulness is keyed in, you will be able to let another persons suffering exist in your own consciousness freely, without judgement and embossed with loving-compassion. If you want to be something like that for others, you should also be doing the intuitive work of studying your own pscyhe. I can share with you some short guided meditations if you are interested in exploring that.

Disclaimer: I am not diagnosed autistic, nor do I fully comprehend what it is like to live with it. So take what you will.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Late diagnosed here too. English is not my native language, and I have ASD, so if clarification is needed, please ask.

Talking to people with mental problems is hard—like, hardcore hard—even for people without our challenges. It's like you're literally fighting a demon king with a debuff and a rusty sword. Why not play to your strengths instead? I assume you have a healthy body that can do simple manual work. There are many types of volunteer work that may suit you better and be easier for you.

Giving blood is easy and rewarding. I have been doing it for some time, and it's one of my reasons to live. One donation can save three people's lives. In Samaritan organizations, you could help with cleaning, cooking, or administrative tasks. Many of us find joy in organizing things that neurotypical (NT) people find frustrating and boring. Another option is to start with animals; many shelters need people to care for abandoned pets. Or consider working at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. People with mental problems are much more likely to be homeless, and giving them a meal provides instant satisfaction.

Looking at your posts, you don't seem to be in the best mental space right now. The first rule of helping others is, "Make sure that there are not two people who need help," i.e., help in such a way that you won't end up needing help yourself. Drowning people tend to drag lifeguards down with them because their survival instinct makes them cling to anything for thier dear life. You might not have been in the best headspace that day to be helping others. Their emotions might have been too overwhelming and suffocated you. This is absolutely normal for late-diagnosed folks like us, as we often didn't receive help in understanding when the world is too much.

Unfortunately, as a late diagnosed autist, you need to learn for yourself where your limits are, what is too much, and how your body and mind signal that you need to slow down. I would recommend other options until you learn these boundaries to avoid hurting yourself. We were taught to ignore our limits and discomfort and push through because people do not understand autistic needs. The saying "go out of your comfort zone" does not mean that it should hurt. There is a comfort zone and a pain zone. You should never go into the pain zone. If you come home and are dead tired just want to crawl into your bed and cry yourself to sleep, you've gone beyond the pain zone. If you come home feeling a little tired but still want to make that easy cheesy quesadilla your friend gave you the recipe for and relax, you're happy with the work you did today, that's pushing beyond your comfort zone. You should NOT push beyond your comfort zone every day! Doing so shrinks the pain zone and makes it more difficult to recover. Recovery time is extremely important!

For studying human behavior: psychology and observation are key. First, learn to understand yourself. Then, understand the differences between NT (neurotypical) and ND (neurodivergent) people. By understanding yourself, you will better understand others. Have someone you can talk openly with about how they feel in the moment. For example, if you're talking and you're not sure if they are angry, you can ask, "Hey, are you angry right now, or am I misinterpreting things?" This helps tune your brain to notice patterns and get better at understanding clues. We don't notice nonverbal cues instinctively, so we need to expend mental energy on noticing, categorizing, and understanding them. The payoff is that (in my opinion) we have it down to a craft after a while. When a harder question comes and intsinct alone cannot solve it we with our patterns can solve it. Remember, taking care of yourself is the most important rule.

Thank you so much for this answer. You are very wise. What you have said makes a lot of sense.

The most powerful kinds of support we can offer is a genuine "I hear you." To let them know they are allowed to feel exactly how they feel, in whatever intensity they are experiencing it. Your job as a support system is not to tell them what to do or what you think their experience means. Your job is to provide the person with a safe container to be themselves in that moment. There is a reason therapists go through so much training--when working with peoples sensitivities, it is very easy to make a misstep and worsen their condition. So, cut you self some slack. You're doing a wonderful job by merely trying.

Ram Dass would say that if your mindfulness is keyed in, you will be able to let another persons suffering exist in your own consciousness freely, without judgement and embossed with loving-compassion. If you want to be something like that for others, you should also be doing the intuitive work of studying your own pscyhe. I can share with you some short guided meditations if you are interested in exploring that.

Disclaimer: I am not diagnosed autistic, nor do I fully comprehend what it is like to live with it. So take what you will.

It is true what you say about "I hear you". I've experienced being on the receiving end and it is wonderful. But the experiences I described were just being around those people, not even trying to support them. I think I have a lot of work to do (but firstly, as LookingForPresent says, I need to work on myself).