Help How do I know if I'm trying hard enough?

[MrBlue]

I've been told by people when I talk to about my problems/suffering that I've just not been trying/wanting to get better enough.

My treatment from the NHS has basically been telling me to finish my degree and get a job. I've struggled and eventually done those things, but they aren't the things that cause of my suicidal ideation. When I say that my inability to connect to others is the issue, and that no matter how hard I've struggled so far I haven't gotten any positive results, I get dismissed with, "you can always meet more people/talk more/smile more/exercise more etc".

It's difficlut to know at what point my effort is considered hard enough. Especially when connections are 2 way, and that no matter what I do on my end, if others simply don't want to interact with me then they won't. I can't force it with effort. I feel shamed into continuing to live and feeling as shit as I do, and I don't know where the point is where I should be allowed to end it.

 

[PointlessStruggle]

I think you aren't in the wrong here. People don't realize that some people just don't ever fit in, I'm in the same boat. I think irl I'm a pretty friendly and likable guy but I'm just too ugly for people to want to be around me. My attempts to make friends always just feel one sided and eventually fail. I'll meet with someone once and get their number but they just stop responding and I never see them again

 

[woxihuanni]

To me it sounds like these people would prefer you dead than genuinely engage with you in any way.

 

[antigone_iris]

"you can always meet more people/talk more/smile more/exercise more etc".

It's frustrating that some people use the same old lines and don't try to understand. It's easy for them to give generic "advice".

It's difficlut to know at what point my effort is considered hard enough. Especially when connections are 2 way, and that no matter what I do on my end, if others simply don't want to interact with me then they won't. I can't force it with effort.

I can relate to that feeling. You're absolutely right, connections are 2 way. I used to blame myself and feel weird, because other people just wouldn't invest the same amount of energy in our relationship. As time passed, I just let them go. Why try to make things work with people who are not on the same page as myself? Don't blame yourself, please. Just because it didn't work with some people, it doesn't mean others won't want to be around you. I'm sure you're doing your best.

 

[Deleted member 94]

To me it sounds like these people would prefer you dead than genuinely engage with you in any way.

They'll never admit to that, they would rather you lived but have nothing to do with them.

 

[woxihuanni]

They'll never admit to that, they would rather you lived but have nothing to do with them.

Course they won't, because they are shit people.

 

[MrBlue]

They'll never admit to that, they would rather you lived but have nothing to do with them.

I've definitely got more than my fair share of people basically saying "you'll find people who like you...not me, please leave me alone" lol

 

[Disappointered]

These NHS people are abusing you because they can coast and collect a paycheck w/o actually identifying your problem...so obviously never having any legitimate reason to think they can help you. But as is the case with most docs/therapists, that doesn't really bother them since that's not why they signed up for the job in the first place.

 

[OminousVaL]

Do not let others try to judge the value of your efforts, decide that for yourself.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

no matter how hard I've struggled so far I haven't gotten any positive results, I get dismissed with, "you can always meet more people/talk more/smile more/exercise more etc".

I hate it when people try to give me this kind of advice because it just shows they've clearly run out of anything else meaningful to say as advice.

In my case, I think even if I could be trying harder, I still have yet to see any reason why it would work for me/be worth it if I did try. I've been burned enough so much that I'd rather shitty things keep happening to me when I didn't try than for them to happen anyway if I do try. I think it's up to each person to evaluate just how well they can employ any technique to get better and if it doesn't work or they know it won't work for them, then why push it?

 

[Niftypoint124]

I don't know if there's a point at which anyone would say "you've done enough" based on mental health issues alone. One thing I've noticed about docs is that they're less interested in a clear marker of "success" than encouraging you to sustain your effort over time.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

I've struggled and eventually done those things, but they aren't the things that cause of my suicidal ideation. When I say that my inability to connect to others is the issue, and that no matter how hard I've struggled so far I haven't gotten any positive results, I get dismissed with, "you can always meet more people/talk more/smile more/exercise more etc".

Can you explain in more detail your trouble with feeling emotionally invested with others?
If you happen to be a schizoid that can be near impossible but if the problem lies in others you have hope.
When it comes to improving sometimes we really do have to put the work in and push past ourselves but often it is important to remember we are trying hard.
We can only do our best OP. <3

 

[netrezven]

Trying hard enough for me comes when it simply still doesn't work and problems come one after another. These problems might come as completely unrelated at first side, but they are always a consequnce from missed attention, action or lack of action - related to trying too hard.

 

[MrBlue]

Can you explain in more detail your trouble with feeling emotionally invested with others?
If you happen to be a schizoid that can be near impossible but if the problem lies in others you have hope.
When it comes to improving sometimes we really do have to put the work in and push past ourselves but often it is important to remember we are trying hard.
We can only do our best OP. <3

It's not neccessarily me being unable to emotionally invest in others, and more that they don't seem to want to invest any time with me. I don't blame anyone for it though.

I think I come off as quiet and reserved (even at my most cofident), and alongside being very petite and not particularly attractive I just don't have any features that make people want to be around me. I guess people see that I might require more time to open up/warm to so understandably don't bother.

I don't know whether I'm neurodivergent in some way or just abit pathetic. I do know that now I'm in my 20's connecting to people in any meaningful way is likely going to get exponentially worse as time goes on.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

It's not neccessarily me being unable to emotionally invest in others, and more that they don't seem to want to invest any time with me. I don't blame anyone for it though.

I think I come off as quiet and reserved (even at my most cofident), and alongside being very petite and not particularly attractive I just don't have any features that make people want to be around me. I guess people see that I might require more time to open up/warm to so understandably don't bother.

I don't know whether I'm neurodivergent in some way or just abit pathetic. I do know that now I'm in my 20's connecting to people in any meaningful way is likely going to get exponentially worse as time goes on.

If the problem is others emotionally connecting with you then you stand a good chance at being able to find someone to share the joys of friendship and love with.
Have you tried to read anything on social interaction to help you or done a big self improvement phase in life yet?
It wont be easy that is for sure but it is possible to improve unless you are entirely autistic but you do not seem that way to me.

 

[MrBlue]

If the problem is others emotionally connecting with you then you stand a good chance at being able to find someone to share the joys of friendship and love with.
Have you tried to read anything on social interaction to help you or done a big self improvement phase in life yet?
It wont be easy that is for sure but it is possible to improve unless you are entirely autistic but you do not seem that way to me.

I've attempted lots of different strategies and tips on social interaction but I think when I actively practiced them I came off as MORE awkward, as I was overthinking it and ended up sounding robotic...even when the tip was to relax/not think about it. :/ I became agrophobic when I was 16/17, so the past 6 years I have improved abit in regards to functioning, but I didn't get anywhere with the social aspect of it so I'm still very behind my peers in life achievements despite the effort.

Thank you for replying to me, while I'm definitely not as hopeful of my chances as you, it helped me find the resilience to keep at it for now. :)

 

[hoping to lose hope]

I do have one tip and this worked for me yet I have no idea how or why.
I related a lot to what you mentioned but I never had terrible social skills.
I just pretend to be someone else who is playing the part of me and that somehow allows me to max out my confidence stat lolz
But yeah you may not find that works for you at all..

 

[MrBlue]

Thank you for the advice. I have been confident in myself in the past but tbh it didn't really help too much. Even when confident/comfortable with people I'm not naturally a very loud person and it tended to put a bigger target on my back sometimes.

I hope it doesn't feel like I'm just ignoring/shutting down your advice, I do appreciate it! I guess it's one of those things where I'll keep at it on my end and just have to hope somebody appreciates the effort. Hopefully before the lonelieness gets to me.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

No you are fine the thing with advice is it mostly never works itself for complex issues otherwise no one would be searching for solutions.
I do not think you should go against who you are if your personality is naturally quieter and shy but if you can find a way to find a friend and remain yourself that would be nice.
Maybe you could try find people in your area online and make a friend first before meeting them in person.

 

[darksideofthebright]

I probably can't advise on anything. But I just want you, OP, to remind yourself everyday that your best is enough and please don't let others dismiss your effort. What if tomorrow your best is better than your best from yesterday? No one knows because we don't have the power to see into the future. But if you have tried today, then that's enough.

I am so sorry that it has been difficult for you though, and I do hope that you will find peace and get the good results for your everyday effort.

 

[mr.smileysad]

I've been told by people when I talk to about my problems/suffering that I've just not been trying/wanting to get better enough.

My treatment from the NHS has basically been telling me to finish my degree and get a job. I've struggled and eventually done those things, but they aren't the things that cause of my suicidal ideation. When I say that my inability to connect to others is the issue, and that no matter how hard I've struggled so far I haven't gotten any positive results, I get dismissed with, "you can always meet more people/talk more/smile more/exercise more etc".

It's difficlut to know at what point my effort is considered hard enough. Especially when connections are 2 way, and that no matter what I do on my end, if others simply don't want to interact with me then they won't. I can't force it with effort. I feel shamed into continuing to live and feeling as shit as I do, and I don't know where the point is where I should be allowed to end it.

This sounds so much like me. At this point I've just given up, there are a few people who like me and I like to socialize with them as well but I'm a lost cause. Based on what you've said I'm sure you are trying as hard as you can but some people just genuinely have nobody to socialize with or are surrounded with people who dont like them. People who have never struggled with depression or social anxiety don't understand, its not something you can turn off and on, I've found that for me meeting people in online gaming and pretending to be friends with people just so nobody can say I don't interact enough works best.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

First of all, don't listen to normies. The amount of will, trying, motivation, etc varies between people for good reason. I don't take the actions necessary to get my needs met for the simple reason that my emotional pain tolerance is too high. I can handle killing myself, loneliness, etc, so I don't get enough motivation to network, improve life-situation, etc. Which is needed to find a girlfriend who decided to settle down after having sex with numerous men (big reward, yay!).

 

[clueless2dayor2morro]

Ugh. I 90% get where you're coming from. I remember my first few years of uni I tried so hard to "put myself out there" and make the first point of contact instead of waiting for someone to talk to me. I, too, found that not many people were interested in continuing a conversation with me and I would usually find them sitting in a different spot or to not look at me directly if I sat next to them next class. I don't know if people are just generally antisocial or if I am just inept at whatever it is gets that social connection lol These days, I keep most conversations at a very surface level, (usually just a hey or whatever generic conversation filler; its never usually how i truly feel or think about whatever they're talking about) and I rarely attempt to "get to know someone" unless we are both stuck in an assignment or at work. I keep my expectations very very low when I meet new people in places. I'm sorry, this probably didn't help. :( But I related so much to this. I don't want to say: give up; but I think that's more or less what I've described myself doin lol