How do I get past the guilt?

[sad]

I feel so guilty for wanting to CTB. I have such a good life compared to most and it makes me feel so guilty that my reasons aren't as good as other peoples' reasons. I have happily married parents who support me no matter what, I'm a straight A student on track to get my undergrad degree a year early, my parents are well off financially and I will graduate with no debt, I have a nice modern apartment downtown in an urban city, and all in all I'm quite well off. I should have no reason for why I hate living so much when my situation is something that so many people dream of having.

The thing is that I don't enjoy anything. I hate waking up every single day. Just making it through the hours of the day till the end where I can go to sleep and have a break from life. I don't have any friends or romance - but I don't even want any. It just feels like extreme work to maintain relationships with people. It's never fun and just feels like a chore. I have no hobbies. I mindlessly watch tv sometimes but that's it. I don't enjoy any hobbies like video games, knitting, reading, art, music, writing, etc. It's not for lack of trying either. I try these things but it just feels pointless and boring. Nothing is fun or makes me happy. I don't aspire to travel the world like most people do. I have always hated vacations even as a child. I don't look forward to anything in my future at all. I definitely don't want kids - never have and never will. Even getting married sounds so unappealing and just sounds like work.

I want to CTB because the thought of nothingness after death is so peaceful. I won't have any consciousness to feel anything and that is the thing I want most. To be able to just be done with living. But I know it will absolutely devastate my parents. My mom knows I want to CTB and have for a long time. All throughout middle and high school I was on various meds and in various therapies but none of it helped. I'm at the point now like what's the reason? Why keep on working toward a degree to get a job that I don't want that leads to a future I don't want? I don't want to try any new medications, treatments, or therapies. I just want to be able to be done with life and peacefully rest. I don't have any friends that would miss me either. It's just down to my parents (and my pet cat - I know my mom loves her and will take care of her once I'm gone).

I don't even know why I'm typing this. I guess just to get it out somewhere. I'll probably delete it soon. But anyways I just feel so bad for planning to CTB. I guess there really is no answer for how to move past the guilt. I just have to live with it until the end.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can relate to how you feel, this life simply wasn't meant for me, I see it as pointless and I lack the will to live. I have been like that all my life. You shouldn't feel guilty. We were brought into this world without choice therefore we have no obligation to stay in it. I guess we just cannot help these emotions really, it is simply natural to feel like this as we don't want to cause others pain. I wish you the best no matter what happens.

 

[fracturedviolence]

i hate when people always use that saying like suicide doesn't eliminate the pain it just transfers it on to someone else. it always felt like such a outsiders perspective of suicide. super guilt trippy if your loved ones blame you for leaving by choice that's pretty selfish of them mostly if they are your parents. you didn't consent to being born. to force someone to live is torture. if it makes you feel better i've had a close family member commit before and of course it kind of sucked but just knowing that they are probably doing better then they were living here makes all the difference. if you truly love someone seeing them in pain should be more painful then seeing them leave.