pocket7
Member
- May 31, 2024
- 46
So basically this year has been hell for me. I had psychosis, lost my job, lost my apartment, had to move back with parents again. I'm tired from trying to rebuild my life after each psychosis. Because I know that at some point I will experience psychosis again and lose everything again.
I was sure that I will end my life a couple of weeks ago. But then something changed. I lost the desire to CTB. If it was easy such as pushing a button and dying instantly, then I would most likely do it right now. But since I'm living with parents, I will have to lie to them about where I'm going. My plan was to go to hotel and take SN there. But because of antipsychotics I'm tired all the time and spending my last hours by figuring out a way how to fool my parents just puts more stress on me.
I don't understand what happened with me. My life is pointless and barely bearable. I wish I had the same determination as couple of weeks ago. The desire was so strong that it seemed not too hard to CTB.
I even received SN yesterday. But now I'm stuck. I know that I will never be successful because of my diagnosis. But something is holding me back. I read on this forum a good comment something like this: if I die I won't even know that I'm dead so what's the point? This comment really sticks with me.
I just hope I will gather up courage to CTB. I think now it's perfect time for my funeral. But I can't gather up willpower to do it unfortunately. Anyone has advice?
I was sure that I will end my life a couple of weeks ago. But then something changed. I lost the desire to CTB. If it was easy such as pushing a button and dying instantly, then I would most likely do it right now. But since I'm living with parents, I will have to lie to them about where I'm going. My plan was to go to hotel and take SN there. But because of antipsychotics I'm tired all the time and spending my last hours by figuring out a way how to fool my parents just puts more stress on me.
I don't understand what happened with me. My life is pointless and barely bearable. I wish I had the same determination as couple of weeks ago. The desire was so strong that it seemed not too hard to CTB.
I even received SN yesterday. But now I'm stuck. I know that I will never be successful because of my diagnosis. But something is holding me back. I read on this forum a good comment something like this: if I die I won't even know that I'm dead so what's the point? This comment really sticks with me.
I just hope I will gather up courage to CTB. I think now it's perfect time for my funeral. But I can't gather up willpower to do it unfortunately. Anyone has advice?