Hi, i'm new here. I'm happy to have a place to talk about how i'm really feeling without the fear of being taken away.
I've been working on my plan for awhile now, ever since i discovered SN. Every time i think about how it feels to use it (I extensively read the guides and discussions) I feel anxiety and my heart thunders in my chest. It makes me afraid i will regret it when i know that it's what i want.
I have someone who means a lot to me that i will be willingly leaving behind. it hurts to think about how my death will hurt him, but i have come to terms that i don't mean to him what he means to me. my place in his life is ultimately insignificant. i desperately want to tell him that i'm at the end of my rope and planning to end my life, because deep down i hope it would change things, but i know that is not how things work. i can't change him or make him love and care about me. he was my last tether to life and, really, i just can't handle the hurt and sadness anymore.
i'm debating on how to tie up my loose ends. i'm currently in therapy and taking meds but neither of those are helpful. i want to stop both but i know that would sound off alarm bells and might ruin my plans. i also want to spend good time with him before i go so that i won't have any regrets.
How do i cope with this? i want out. i'm just so sad. why am i so afraid?
I've been working on my plan for awhile now, ever since i discovered SN. Every time i think about how it feels to use it (I extensively read the guides and discussions) I feel anxiety and my heart thunders in my chest. It makes me afraid i will regret it when i know that it's what i want.
I have someone who means a lot to me that i will be willingly leaving behind. it hurts to think about how my death will hurt him, but i have come to terms that i don't mean to him what he means to me. my place in his life is ultimately insignificant. i desperately want to tell him that i'm at the end of my rope and planning to end my life, because deep down i hope it would change things, but i know that is not how things work. i can't change him or make him love and care about me. he was my last tether to life and, really, i just can't handle the hurt and sadness anymore.
i'm debating on how to tie up my loose ends. i'm currently in therapy and taking meds but neither of those are helpful. i want to stop both but i know that would sound off alarm bells and might ruin my plans. i also want to spend good time with him before i go so that i won't have any regrets.
How do i cope with this? i want out. i'm just so sad. why am i so afraid?
