how do i cope with being too weak for suicide

[cantthinkofusername]

i just feel wretched. i feel disgusting and worthless and pathetic and subhuman. there is nothing about who and what i am that i dont hate. i am disgusting and worthless and pathetic and subhuman but it would all be okay if i was strong enough to end it all. it wouldnt make what i am okay but it would make what i am end. but i cant do it and so im worthless. ive never been strong enough to do it and so i have always been worthless. and as long as im alive it will mean i havent been able to do it which means as long as i exist i always will be worthless. it feels like its eating away at me always. it feels like im being gnawed on inside by a thousand insects. im poison and i ruin anything i touch. and ill always be this way. i cant be redeemed as long as i live. but i cant die and its pathetic. i feel wretched. i have sn. not even in a solution that i can pretend is too salty to drink. its in pills and i leave them sitting on my desk at all times but i still cant do it. i want to die more than anything else but i cant do it. i hate myself. how do i make it go away.
i wanna take just one of these pills so i can know for sure if i want to die or not but i cant even do that. i dont wanna risk needing to go to the hospital for a not-even suicide attempt. which is logical but i still hate myself. i wanna die but i dont know if i do. it hurts and i dont want it to hurt.