How do I change my view of life? I should, but I'm not seeing why.

[daocreator]

Well, I always go by the saying;" Do not talk about your feelings"; especially on the internet. Yet, here I am doing so, in this community, in hopes of getting feedback.

It's not a dark story, just a usual one really. I do appreciate it if others help me get to the root cause of it!

Again, it's nothing too serious of a life. I know I deserve being criticized in many points, which I'm open to discussing. I'm still, to this day, pretty asocial. So I'm hoping this website has people who can accept my thoughts.

Back in 2019, life was pretty standard. I was your typical teenager, grinding the books, hoping for good grades.


To explain it quickly, I've got this "nerd" face. People look at me and assume I'm some genius. It still is a real headache, since I'm not.

To this day I have never gotten a relationship. I'm always debating though whether to get more social. It's a lot of a mental back-and-forth.

Just to be clear, I'm not sure whether I'm depressed or just normal; it's more like I switched to an emotionless mode back then. don't know why, but it just happened. Like, I'm always having a heavy feeling that nothing really matters, I should just CTB, the usual.

moving on, I had this friend who was so into philosophy. Back then, I only liked fantasy books, and wasn't reading such types of books. He introduced me some Dostoevsky books, and suddenly, I'm deep in this whole nihilism thing.

I started becoming the usual nihilist; lazy because, my whole ideology changed into, "why do it if it's gonna be done anyway, and the universe's gonna come to an end anyway, hence it being inconsequential?" Again, I'm not making fun of nihilism or anything. I'm just saying what I'm feeling.

I isolated myself for a whole 2 years (With it, no relations, no friendships, no studying. Just reading books, lazing around all year around). all high school long.

I got really mature (I don't know what the criteria for that are, but I know for sure that I definetly didn't stay as that same naive teenager). But, why I'm writing all this, is that with nihilism, I became a lot suicidal, which is basically a daily problem for me rn.

Whenever something bad happend, I'd always turn suicidal. Like, whenever something happens, I'd think of every method I know to CTB.

It's actually serious, since for sure I don't have anything to CTB for. While I do believe emotionlessness and that heavy feeling I mentioned makes me more like a passive mob in this world, it shouldn't be enough for me to want to CTB.

And, in my last high school year, I studied my ass off for a good degree but ended up with the first biggest disappointment in my life. I'm on a country that basically says,"If you don't study, you're gonna turn homeless." My parents aren't really in that a wealthy of a situation to support me, so that realization kicked on the beginning of my last high school year.

Oh, and I did try to CTB. a few times(like 5 or 6 times). But since I wasn't clear on how most of it is done, I failed. And i know I have some brain damage due to it.

And, I know it's just a setback, I should accept it since nothing always goes your way, but I really, really want to CTB, now, and whenever anything bad happens. My brain automatically asserts the word 'freedom' to CTBing.
Most of my train of thoughts is still in a nihilistic way, so I don't really know how to change it.

I don't know, really, how my life would be if I choose to continue living, but I only thought of making this whole post because of, hearing a song. it had "I could think of a thousand ways to (CTB) and a thousand ways to do it, but never one way to live and one way to do it."

Please, I'd love to hear your thoughts, and thank you for taking time into my story!

 

[Abandoned Character]

I think suicide is a very intellectual endeavor. It's quite simple to imagine oneself dead and no longer existing--especially in response to stress--so it makes sense that your mind is quick to ponder that reality.

With the uncertainty we face in our day to day, it is difficult to imagine ourselves existing in years to come. When someone asks me about a "5 year plan," my mind kind of implodes because I barely have a concept of where I will be a week from now. Personally, I am in a position where I am willing to face that uncertainty, and so I am working on productive thought patterns and behaviors for that ambition.

Nihilism does not necessitate suicidal ideation nor laziness. To me, nihlism introduces a void in our spirit where a sembleance of meaning may have been otherwise. What we do with the void and how we react to its presence is separate from the nihilism itself. If we choose life, there are absolutely ways of operating that are conduvice with both nihilism and growing as a person.

Best of luck~~

 

[daocreator]

I think suicide is a very intellectual endeavor. It's quite simple to imagine oneself dead and no longer existing--especially in response to stress--so it makes sense that your mind is quick to ponder that reality.

With the uncertainty we face in our day to day, it is difficult to imagine ourselves existing in years to come. When someone asks me about a "5 year plan," my mind kind of implodes because I barely have a concept of where I will be a week from now. Personally, I am in a position where I am willing to face that uncertainty, and so I am working on productive thought patterns and behaviors for that ambition.

Nihilism does not necessitate suicidal ideation nor laziness. To me, nihlism introduces a void in our spirit where a sembleance of meaning may have been otherwise. What we do with the void and how we react to its presence is separate from the nihilism itself. If we choose life, there are absolutely ways of operating that are conduvice with both nihilism and growing as a person.

Best of luck~~

Well, we each have our own takes on ideologies, really. Since, as I mentioned, I only got introduced to it through doestovesky's books. And he really has a dark take on it, which influenced me a lot, till this day. And so, getting rid of years' of thought sounds to me like a challenge more than anything. That's why I'm asking if I should continue considering CTB or just change my whole ideology in the first place

 

[Mirrory Me]

Hey. I'm not that familiar with nihilism, but I know about the basic principle. If you are the learner type, then maybe you could try to challenge this perspective by expanding your view of life with new knowledge. I'm not that familiar with philosophy myself, but Allan Watts and Carl Jung could be worth to look into.

 

[BrainShower]

I like what DJY said, try to read some different things, maybe you will find some other things that resonate with you and possibly balance out that nihilism just enough to not wanna ctb so much.
I went through a phase of avidly reading different philosophers in high school as well. It was fun for me but a lot to take in, as I previously hadn't been exposed to a lot of that kind of thing before.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Are there still things about life that you enjoy? I do understand the nihilistic perspective. On the face of it- it's hard to find meaning or justification for life and suffering. That doesn't mean that individuals can't find their own sense of meaning or even less than that- enjoyment in certain things. Would you walk up to a nurse, athlete, scientist, artist and tell them they were utterly worthless? Probably not- because you probably respect that they find value in whatever it is they have put effort into. They aren't looking for the universe to accredit them. Although, they probably do need the approval of other people to some extent- to make money!

Then- it really just becomes- is there anything you want to put effort into? It seems like you feel like CTB might be a mistake for you- because you have no concrete reason in life to do it. (If I understood that right.) So- that suggests you do feel something towards life- some sort of commitment/attachment.

Ultimately- it has to be up to you on whether you want to follow that. I think many people when asked will answer the question: 'What is the meaning of life?' With: 'To be happy.' That may seem pretty shallow but thinking about it- I don't think it is. We're not going to be able to sustain a life very easily if we are desperately unhappy all the time- so- it makes sense to try and follow things that bring us the more positive emotions- joy, fulfilment, gratitude.

Personally, while I understand the nihilistic perspective- I don't think it does the most hard core nihilists any favours. I think a little nihilism can be good actually. A kind of cynicism about this world. I think it can prevent us from being exploited so much. But- the complete nihiists on here seem to be in the most turmoil. They're stuck here still- because CTB is so hard but they won't allow themselves distraction or ambition or interests- because they know it's all illusion. I don't see it helping them though. So- I'd say- if you still feel like you have a choice- maybe keep some of your nihilistic views but realise that- if you are going to be stuck living for the foreseeable future- they may not be helping you at all.

I'm not well read with philosophy but I think I may be more in tune with absurdism- basically- similar to nihilism in that there is no meaning to life but to try and find one gets us in a mess- it's 'absurd'. And- individualism- that any meaning we find will come from within.

 

[daocreator]

Are there still things about life that you enjoy? I do understand the nihilistic perspective. On the face of it- it's hard to find meaning or justification for life and suffering. That doesn't mean that individuals can't find their own sense of meaning or even less than that- enjoyment in certain things. Would you walk up to a nurse, athlete, scientist, artist and tell them they were utterly worthless? Probably not- because you probably respect that they find value in whatever it is they have put effort into. They aren't looking for the universe to accredit them. Although, they probably do need the approval of other people to some extent- to make money!

Then- it really just becomes- is there anything you want to put effort into? It seems like you feel like CTB might be a mistake for you- because you have no concrete reason in life to do it. (If I understood that right.) So- that suggests you do feel something towards life- some sort of commitment/attachment.

Ultimately- it has to be up to you on whether you want to follow that. I think many people when asked will answer the question: 'What is the meaning of life?' With: 'To be happy.' That may seem pretty shallow but thinking about it- I don't think it is. We're not going to be able to sustain a life very easily if we are desperately unhappy all the time- so- it makes sense to try and follow things that bring us the more positive emotions- joy, fulfilment, gratitude.

Personally, while I understand the nihilistic perspective- I don't think it does the most hard core nihilists any favours. I think a little nihilism can be good actually. A kind of cynicism about this world. I think it can prevent us from being exploited so much. But- the complete nihiists on here seem to be in the most turmoil. They're stuck here still- because CTB is so hard but they won't allow themselves distraction or ambition or interests- because they know it's all illusion. I don't see it helping them though. So- I'd say- if you still feel like you have a choice- maybe keep some of your nihilistic views but realise that- if you are going to be stuck living for the foreseeable future- they may not be helping you at all.

I'm not well read with philosophy but I think I may be more in tune with absurdism- basically- similar to nihilism in that there is no meaning to life but to try and find one gets us in a mess- it's 'absurd'. And- individualism- that any meaning we find will come from within.

Well, first off, thanks for replying, and I'll give you what my pov on what you said is.

-[Are there still things about life that you enjoy? I do understand the nihilistic perspective. On the face of it- it's hard to find meaning or justification for life and suffering. That doesn't mean that individuals can't find their own sense of meaning or even less than that- enjoyment in certain things. ]
To be honest, I used to write in hopes of making a story that would depict why I am the way I am, and why I idealize death. But it was what made me realize that I truly didn't have any strong anchor to have it as my sole life goal. Other than that, I only like reading books or watching YouTube as a hobby. I don't watch sports, play chess, etc etc. Mostly because I've never really had any fun doing such activities and so didn't keep on doing them.

-[Although, they probably do need the approval of other people to some extent- to make money!]

I do agree. And, I do think one of my points into my strong inclination towards nihilism was, "everyone is gonna die, even the universe is gonna explode in whatever years, so why care or do anything at all? Another, ambitious man can do it, which is fair. They're gonna get their names recorded in history; true, but does it matter in the overall timeline? No."

I do agree with some of it, but I do think that... it's just a lazy way to want to live. I was 15 back then, so I really was oblivious about the world. But without a stable job to keep you alive, there's no such thing as 'do nothing at all'. It's more like being too bored and finding existence futile to CTB; which is in no way a valid reason to do it. I changed how I think over the years but the core ideology is still there, which is my point on the post.

But lately I've been having a disappointment after another, so I'm really considering CTBing since I feel like whatever I work hard at doesn't pay off.

moving on;
[. But- the complete nihiists on here seem to be in the most turmoil. They're stuck here still- because CTB is so hard but they won't allow themselves distraction or ambition or interests- because they know it's all illusion. ]

I was, and still am a bit on this very mindset. Back when I first thought I 'realized what this world is', I thought that I've finally grown mature and no one can, in any way, fool me. But I was the fool himself, since I took everything word for word. Well, that gave me permanent issues since I've been diagnosed as bipolar, and my CTB attempts back then also gave me some sort of brain damage that I don't know what it was but can feel it.


I'm not sure what might interest me since there are thousands of things out there that I haven't tried. I should definitely try at least a few, but it all really comes down to time.

Thank you for all that! And yeah, absurdism is what I'm going for rn since it's the only plausible philosophy i can follow if I ever want to keeping on living. As the saying goes, I'll choose coffee for now. Don't know about the future though

 

[Forever Sleep]

Well, first off, thanks for replying, and I'll give you what my pov on what you said is.

-[Are there still things about life that you enjoy? I do understand the nihilistic perspective. On the face of it- it's hard to find meaning or justification for life and suffering. That doesn't mean that individuals can't find their own sense of meaning or even less than that- enjoyment in certain things. ]
To be honest, I used to write in hopes of making a story that would depict why I am the way I am, and why I idealize death. But it was what made me realize that I truly didn't have any strong anchor to have it as my sole life goal. Other than that, I only like reading books or watching YouTube as a hobby. I don't watch sports, play chess, etc etc. Mostly because I've never really had any fun doing such activities and so didn't keep on doing them.

-[Although, they probably do need the approval of other people to some extent- to make money!]

I do agree. And, I do think one of my points into my strong inclination towards nihilism was, "everyone is gonna die, even the universe is gonna explode in whatever years, so why care or do anything at all? Another, ambitious man can do it, which is fair. They're gonna get their names recorded in history; true, but does it matter in the overall timeline? No."

I do agree with some of it, but I do think that... it's just a lazy way to want to live. I was 15 back then, so I really was oblivious about the world. But without a stable job to keep you alive, there's no such thing as 'do nothing at all'. It's more like being too bored and finding existence futile to CTB; which is in no way a valid reason to do it. I changed how I think over the years but the core ideology is still there, which is my point on the post.

But lately I've been having a disappointment after another, so I'm really considering CTBing since I feel like whatever I work hard at doesn't pay off.

moving on;
[. But- the complete nihiists on here seem to be in the most turmoil. They're stuck here still- because CTB is so hard but they won't allow themselves distraction or ambition or interests- because they know it's all illusion. ]

I was, and still am a bit on this very mindset. Back when I first thought I 'realized what this world is', I thought that I've finally grown mature and no one can, in any way, fool me. But I was the fool himself, since I took everything word for word. Well, that gave me permanent issues since I've been diagnosed as bipolar, and my CTB attempts back then also gave me some sort of brain damage that I don't know what it was but can feel it.


I'm not sure what might interest me since there are thousands of things out there that I haven't tried. I should definitely try at least a few, but it all really comes down to time.

Thank you for all that! And yeah, absurdism is what I'm going for rn since it's the only plausible philosophy i can follow if I ever want to keeping on living. As the saying goes, I'll choose coffee for now. Don't know about the future though

Your story sounds like an awesome idea to me. I think any literature about the darker sides of life are bound to help enlighten people who have never felt like this but might be inclined to sympathise. But I understand- I knew someone who wrote a book once. He used to quote the phrase: 'Everyone has a book in them' and he used to follow that by saying: 'and that's where it should stay!' Lol. Basically- it took a lot out of him to do it. I'm not so sure it was ever published in the end. So- yeah- I do understand the reluctance.

In terms of the money or fame perspective- yes- but I'll quote another cringy cliche: 'It's about the journey- not the destination.' I'd argue that a lot of very successful people are doing things they love. They would still do them if they were being paid a living wage or an astronomical wage. Unless you have some very clear need for money- maybe to do other things like travel etc or- you have some desperate need for fame- probably better to focus simply on things that make you happier than other things.

The problem of course lies in when you either can't find something you really want or you can but you can't make a living doing it. (My problem.) I do sympathise though. Continually being knocked back down when you are trying is really tough. I does tend to make you wonder if anything's worth it. I strongly relate to that.

 

[daocreator]

The problem of course lies in when you either can't find something you really want or you can but you can't make a living doing it. (My problem.) I do sympathise though.

At least you found what you really like! I do think you can consider taking what you like into a domain that could sustain your livelihood. For instance, if you like psychology, philosophy, or simply art, learn AI (although ik rn millions are pouring on that market) and create what you want using it.

Like, you like art? Create an AI that could generate images, which would sell pretty well if you add an edge in it over other similar apps. Of course, if AI doesn't work out, similar domains would! Anyway, as long as you still think you can do it, don't just blindly follow your intentions but consider it from other angles to see how it'd work out best!


-[


-[In terms of the money or fame perspective- yes- but I'll quote another cringy cliche: 'It's about the journey- not the destination.' I'd argue that a lot of very successful people are doing things they love. They would still do them if they were being paid a living wage or an astronomical wage. Unless you have some very clear need for money- maybe to do other things like travel etc or- you have some desperate need for fame- probably better to focus simply on things that make you happier than other things.]


Ah, the journey, not the destination! I totally agree with that since I have known some who sought what they liked and are doing pretty well in those subjects. Sadly, I got ruined back then and so lost any goal for life...

What I think of a normal life that I could probably follow if I ever just numbed down my thoughts and continued my human body as it should be, is mostly, "too busy to think of life". Like work long hours so that I don't really have the time to consider CTB at all...
Though it all comes down to one, little(main) problem.



And, here's another vent.

I wish I could use my own advice, but I really can't change my situation if I just keep on not passing any exam even if I work all the time for them. My parents really do keep motivating me to work yet when I see the results and see the look on their faces... Sigh.

I haven't written in two years now and I do think I don't have that much creativity to write again. So I still dk what else I should do that's fun other than scrolling through social media

 

[Forever Sleep]

At least you found what you really like! I do think you can consider taking what you like into a domain that could sustain your livelihood. For instance, if you like psychology, philosophy, or simply art, learn AI (although ik rn millions are pouring on that market) and create what you want using it.

Like, you like art? Create an AI that could generate images, which would sell pretty well if you add an edge in it over other similar apps. Of course, if AI doesn't work out, similar domains would! Anyway, as long as you still think you can do it, don't just blindly follow your intentions but consider it from other angles to see how it'd work out best!


-[


-[In terms of the money or fame perspective- yes- but I'll quote another cringy cliche: 'It's about the journey- not the destination.' I'd argue that a lot of very successful people are doing things they love. They would still do them if they were being paid a living wage or an astronomical wage. Unless you have some very clear need for money- maybe to do other things like travel etc or- you have some desperate need for fame- probably better to focus simply on things that make you happier than other things.]


Ah, the journey, not the destination! I totally agree with that since I have known some who sought what they liked and are doing pretty well in those subjects. Sadly, I got ruined back then and so lost any goal for life...

What I think of a normal life that I could probably follow if I ever just numbed down my thoughts and continued my human body as it should be, is mostly, "too busy to think of life". Like work long hours so that I don't really have the time to consider CTB at all...
Though it all comes down to one, little(main) problem.



And, here's another vent.

I wish I could use my own advice, but I really can't change my situation if I just keep on not passing any exam even if I work all the time for them. My parents really do keep motivating me to work yet when I see the results and see the look on their faces... Sigh.

I haven't written in two years now and I do think I don't have that much creativity to write again. So I still dk what else I should do that's fun other than scrolling through social media

Thanks but I enjoy practical work. Ironically AI or- computers are the reason so many jobs have been lost in my industry! I don't mind working on computers now and again but- all the time? Nah- it's not for me.

I'm 43- so- you can probably imagine I've done quite a bit 'out the box' thinking as to what jobs I might be qualified to do- I must have applied to 100's by now. It's not to say it's impossible. It's not to say there won't be things I haven't tried or maybe- haven't thought of.

Still- you can probably relate that practicalities are involved too... I've already done 3 complete house moves across the country to try new jobs... None worked out for me. I went back to uni as a mature student to study a different (still creative) second degree. I've considered doing trade and other courses. I've considered teaching. There are certain things I'm just not willing to do now- (including moving again!) So- that kind of limits things. A lot of life comes down to limitations at the end of the day. Settling for the lesser of the evils!

That is sometimes enough to motivate me. I hate failing and I hate letting people down- so- even if I hate what I'm doing, I usually try to do a good job. Not sure if you can use that to motivate you... You may not enjoy studying but will the thought of failing make you do it to avoid that? Of course, we can still fail even when we do put the work in- but at least we don't have 'what ifs' that way- 'what if I'd tried harder?' I'm also similar to you in that a lot of what I do is so asnot to let my parents down- even at this age.

I do agree with you though. Having a deep interest/passion for something in life helps. It draws out a path at least to try and gives us the motivation to want to walk it at least. Doesn't mean we'll succeed of course but, it's a start.

Hmm- yeah- I've thought about trying to live an 'ordinary' life too. Work a 9-5. Be so tired, you don't have time to think. Can't say it worked that well for me. I did retail work for 10 years (not all full time) and they were some of the most unhappy of my life! That's really what's scaring me at the moment- the thought of going back to that.

I hope you can find a path for you. One thing I would say- which you can ignore if you like- there is something to be said for the: 'it's never too late' phrase. I was 31 by the time I got my second degree. It was a career shift for me. Maybe things haven't completely gone to plan long term but my second try at having a creative job was certainly more successful than the first one. It's harder in some ways as we get older- even just physically but- in other ways, we learn things that help us. I really hope you can work something out but at the same time- I'm pro-choice. We all have to respect one another's own experience and feelings first I believe. Best of luck!

 

[daocreator]

Thanks but I enjoy practical work. Ironically AI or- computers are the reason so many jobs have been lost in my industry! I don't mind working on computers now and again but- all the time? Nah- it's not for me.

I'm 43- so- you can probably imagine I've done quite a bit 'out the box' thinking as to what jobs I might be qualified to do- I must have applied to 100's by now. It's not to say it's impossible. It's not to say there won't be things I haven't tried or maybe- haven't thought of.

Still- you can probably relate that practicalities are involved too... I've already done 3 complete house moves across the country to try new jobs... None worked out for me. I went back to uni as a mature student to study a different (still creative) second degree. I've considered doing trade and other courses. I've considered teaching. There are certain things I'm just not willing to do now- (including moving again!) So- that kind of limits things. A lot of life comes down to limitations at the end of the day. Settling for the lesser of the evils!

That is sometimes enough to motivate me. I hate failing and I hate letting people down- so- even if I hate what I'm doing, I usually try to do a good job. Not sure if you can use that to motivate you... You may not enjoy studying but will the thought of failing make you do it to avoid that? Of course, we can still fail even when we do put the work in- but at least we don't have 'what ifs' that way- 'what if I'd tried harder?' I'm also similar to you in that a lot of what I do is so asnot to let my parents down- even at this age.

I do agree with you though. Having a deep interest/passion for something in life helps. It draws out a path at least to try and gives us the motivation to want to walk it at least. Doesn't mean we'll succeed of course but, it's a start.

Hmm- yeah- I've thought about trying to live an 'ordinary' life too. Work a 9-5. Be so tired, you don't have time to think. Can't say it worked that well for me. I did retail work for 10 years (not all full time) and they were some of the most unhappy of my life! That's really what's scaring me at the moment- the thought of going back to that.

I hope you can find a path for you. One thing I would say- which you can ignore if you like- there is something to be said for the: 'it's never too late' phrase. I was 31 by the time I got my second degree. It was a career shift for me. Maybe things haven't completely gone to plan long term but my second try at having a creative job was certainly more successful than the first one. It's harder in some ways as we get older- even just physically but- in other ways, we learn things that help us. I really hope you can work something out but at the same time- I'm pro-choice. We all have to respect one another's own experience and feelings first I believe. Best of luck!

Thanks a lot for considering what I said! You know, me being a lot younger yet still complaining at some failures I got, yet you haven't really backed out, makes me really consider that maybe, I really shouldn't rush things.

I'm sorry you had to go through so many failures; really, since you seem like someone who treats life nicely but gets slapped in return. You still remain optimistic, despite all that, which I enormously respect. If I continue on my self improvement, you really would be what I'd wish to become if I grow as old as you are.

Anyway, I really don't enjoy studying, like any normal person. But I also really don't want my parents disappointed since they've done so much for me already. I've already mentioned I'm only alive until they die, since I didn't realise how they cared for me until I grew out of that phase. Which was when I was writing books related to death.

While bad stuff did indeed happen to me, it's not to the point of me needing to CTB asap. It just depends on how much value I am willing to give life, really.

Again, this might seem like a child's rambling to you, but I thank you for reading it.

if I follow what I currently say, I'll just study (if I pass exams ofc), get a job, and accompany them until they die; nothing more, nothing less!
I really am not considering a relationship on this life (I haven't had one yet) since I just don't think any sane woman would understand my humour, my logic, etc; and it's just not worth seeking one that would. Which, I know, is a subject that I must further consider. After all, I live alone rn to study for uni; it really isn't the time to consider relationships or the like.

Anyway, to conclude all of this, I'll really consider your "It's never too late" quote. If I fail I just gotta redo it, I shouldn't care when since I'll get a job at the end of the day (debatable but let's just hope for now). Absurdism is still the best! At least for now, since Idk how to stop being bipolar.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thanks a lot for considering what I said! You know, me being a lot younger yet still complaining at some failures I got, yet you haven't really backed out, makes me really consider that maybe, I really shouldn't rush things.

I'm sorry you had to go through so many failures; really, since you seem like someone who treats life nicely but gets slapped in return. You still remain optimistic, despite all that, which I enormously respect. If I continue on my self improvement, you really would be what I'd wish to become if I grow as old as you are.

Anyway, I really don't enjoy studying, like any normal person. But I also really don't want my parents disappointed since they've done so much for me already. I've already mentioned I'm only alive until they die, since I didn't realise how they cared for me until I grew out of that phase. Which was when I was writing books related to death.

While bad stuff did indeed happen to me, it's not to the point of me needing to CTB asap. It just depends on how much value I am willing to give life, really.

Again, this might seem like a child's rambling to you, but I thank you for reading it.

if I follow what I currently say, I'll just study (if I pass exams ofc), get a job, and accompany them until they die; nothing more, nothing less!
I really am not considering a relationship on this life (I haven't had one yet) since I just don't think any sane woman would understand my humour, my logic, etc; and it's just not worth seeking one that would. Which, I know, is a subject that I must further consider. After all, I live alone rn to study for uni; it really isn't the time to consider relationships or the like.

Anyway, to conclude all of this, I'll really consider your "It's never too late" quote. If I fail I just gotta redo it, I shouldn't care when since I'll get a job at the end of the day (debatable but let's just hope for now). Absurdism is still the best! At least for now, since Idk how to stop being bipolar.

It's hard for me to say really. It would be wrong to encourage anyone to back out of course but I don't blame people for wanting to. I think it's the uncertainty in life that makes it so difficult. If we all knew our hard work would eventually pay off, we'd feel more focussed I think. But definitely- I've had ups and downs in life. In retrospect, my 30's were probably my better years. You just don't know- that's the trouble.

I think a lot of the problems lie with me really. I certainly had bad luck early in life which partly set me up on this course but I'm probably too unwilling to settle in life. I end up making a rod for my own back in jobs. I know that because others have gone on to be ok-ish in job roles I really struggled with. It's difficult to be what we're not though. Even if we realise we're not doing ourselves any favours.

That's kind of you to say but I'd hate for anyone to end up like me! A small part of the reason I haven't had children. Although- I've never been in a relationship either- the other major reason! Lol. It bothered me more when I was your age. Now, I think it's perhaps for the best.

But no- I'm the biggest pessimist/cynic going! That's funny I come across as an optimist! Because I didn't entirely give up maybe? That's more my sense of obligation and fear of failure at play. I guess I did have burning ambition when I was young though. That was in a big way a coping mechanism for stuff that was going on.

Not at all- it doesn't sound like childish ramblings. You have every right to feel as you feel. Everyone does. Ultimately, I think we all feel a bit adrift, trying to work stuff out. Life doesn't come with instructions- unfortunately.

Your commitment to your family is the same as mine. I've been holding on for my Dad to go first but I was also suicidal young. From age 10. If you do want to hold on for them though, it may be worthwhile trying to get your life to be more tolerable for yourself though. I wish I had better advice than that. I wish there was something you knew you enjoyed. I think that makes things easier.

But yes- I'm the same as you. My big hopes for the future are gone now. I just feel like I need to tread water now until my Dad goes and then- hopefully, I'll be brave enough to do it.

Yeah- definitely. That's something else I learned in life- you won't know until you try. I had a relentlessly optimistic tutor once who pointed out that we had all achieved something valuable from the last project we did. It was a project that a lot of us struggled on- so many of us looked confused. But- he went on to say- even if we now know we never want to do this kind of thing again- we've learnt something! He was right too. Even though I moved across the country to do jobs that didn't work out in the long run- I'm still glad I did it. The decisions made sense at the time. I found out why I didn't enjoy those jobs. I found out that all that glitters isn't gold. Plus- I made contacts each time and those people still give me work now.

Something else someone once said to me was: 'You only regret the things you don't do in life.' Maybe not always the case if it's something illegal or ridiculously risky but- for the more minor stuff- I think that's true. If you take on a job that you later hate- you resign. Same goes for a course but really- we don't know until we try.

Anyhow, sorry I've waffled on so much. I hope things become clearer and happier for you. Having bipolar has got to be so difficult. I'm so sorry. I guess you almost need to learn the best way of taking care of yourself in the different states- have I got that right? Manic and depressed? It's got to be so difficult on top of everything else though.

 

[daocreator]

It's really

It's hard for me to say really. It would be wrong to encourage anyone to back out of course but I don't blame people for wanting to. I think it's the uncertainty in life that makes it so difficult. If we all knew our hard work would eventually pay off, we'd feel more focussed I think. But definitely- I've had ups and downs in life. In retrospect, my 30's were probably my better years. You just don't know- that's the trouble.

I think a lot of the problems lie with me really. I certainly had bad luck early in life which partly set me up on this course but I'm probably too unwilling to settle in life. I end up making a rod for my own back in jobs. I know that because others have gone on to be ok-ish in job roles I really struggled with. It's difficult to be what we're not though. Even if we realise we're not doing ourselves any favours.

That's kind of you to say but I'd hate for anyone to end up like me! A small part of the reason I haven't had children. Although- I've never been in a relationship either- the other major reason! Lol. It bothered me more when I was your age. Now, I think it's perhaps for the best.

But no- I'm the biggest pessimist/cynic going! That's funny I come across as an optimist! Because I didn't entirely give up maybe? That's more my sense of obligation and fear of failure at play. I guess I did have burning ambition when I was young though. That was in a big way a coping mechanism for stuff that was going on.

Not at all- it doesn't sound like childish ramblings. You have every right to feel as you feel. Everyone does. Ultimately, I think we all feel a bit adrift, trying to work stuff out. Life doesn't come with instructions- unfortunately.

Your commitment to your family is the same as mine. I've been holding on for my Dad to go first but I was also suicidal young. From age 10. If you do want to hold on for them though, it may be worthwhile trying to get your life to be more tolerable for yourself though. I wish I had better advice than that. I wish there was something you knew you enjoyed. I think that makes things easier.

But yes- I'm the same as you. My big hopes for the future are gone now. I just feel like I need to tread water now until my Dad goes and then- hopefully, I'll be brave enough to do it.

Yeah- definitely. That's something else I learned in life- you won't know until you try. I had a relentlessly optimistic tutor once who pointed out that we had all achieved something valuable from the last project we did. It was a project that a lot of us struggled on- so many of us looked confused. But- he went on to say- even if we now know we never want to do this kind of thing again- we've learnt something! He was right too. Even though I moved across the country to do jobs that didn't work out in the long run- I'm still glad I did it. The decisions made sense at the time. I found out why I didn't enjoy those jobs. I found out that all that glitters isn't gold. Plus- I made contacts each time and those people still give me work now.

Something else someone once said to me was: 'You only regret the things you don't do in life.' Maybe not always the case if it's something illegal or ridiculously risky but- for the more minor stuff- I think that's true. If you take on a job that you later hate- you resign. Same goes for a course but really- we don't know until we try.

Anyhow, sorry I've waffled on so much. I hope things become clearer and happier for you. Having bipolar has got to be so difficult. I'm so sorry. I guess you almost need to learn the best way of taking care of yourself in the different states- have I got that right? Manic and depressed? It's got to be so difficult on top of everything else though.

It's really fascination that others can actually use the uncertainty of life as a motivation for their failures! If ever that was the case for me, I wouldn't ever consider CTB since... I'd be like a masochist? Enjoying the pain of life.


And yeah, I totally agree on your second point. Sometimes we want to prove ourselves, even if ultimately no one would care, just to... scale one's level? Ofc it's often rather disappointing. I used to think that if I majored in the hardest option, I could fare well? But now I did and I definitely am not. (It's not technically the hardest subject since some other, better unis have it harder, but me struggling with even that confirms that all I can live is a normal life; I'm not destined for greatness or any of that BS. I'm totally fine with it tbh. But when you work and you still don't get the expected results... It's when it hits hard, as you said.)

And for the relationship part, I do realize my worry over it is mostly due to my current friends' influence over me. They all have mostly enjoyed a normal teenager life and so I consider myself an outcast because I haven't experienced most of what they did. Well, we're social creatures so we long for such things. I'm talking for my current situation, ofc. And I really do consider going for the same way you did; just working until my parents die without considering anything else. It's way easier that way since otherwise I'd have to search for what may interest me, create social relations with more people (which is straining to say the least) and all that stuff that comes with being an adult. It might be a coward's way but Idrc about such principles.

And, saying you're the biggest pessimist would really unveil you as yet another lost soul. Don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say, but I do think I relate to what you are trying to do. Despite all what life is in terms of struggles, you keep on finding a way out just because there's still someone to stay for.

Sadly; yes, I wish someone could at least tell us what our point into existence is? Well some who are fortunate are comforted by their beliefs to keep them away from this point. We all have our coping mechanisms. I'm still trying to find one tho.

Thought your commitment, despite 30+ years of suicidal intent, shows how resilient life made you to become! And it's really awesome how you, till this very age, are alive in consideration for your father!

Well, to be honest, I'm not really sure on what major to follow. I haven't really cleared it out, but basically in this country, you study 2 preparatory years then choose which major you want to follow. Most here follow CS, but out of 7000 who were promoted to engineers this year only 500 worked. I'm really not sure what to do, since if I seek a degree abroad I'd have an easier time finding a job. But that'd need even more complications! And my parents really aren't that financially stable to support it.

But as you said, I really think I should give most jobs on the market a try and see which I have affinity for, then just go for it. The problem being me not having any affinity with anything... but well I'll try then see.

And yeah, bipolar like: I'm sitting emotionlessly, then suddenly my mood drops and I feel like CTBing. My personality changes a bit too, but I've managed to control that over the years. Every thought going through my head would be to just pick whatever's near me and CTB.
Really not sure whether I'm bipolar or smth else tho, since therapy on this country is shit AF.But I'm taking some meds to calm it down a little, or at least think so.


anyway, as you said, I've waffles a ton too! I actually enjoy these types of conversations because I actually find you quite helpful in life! Especially since you've been through a lot, which I really wish you never went through.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's really

It's really fascination that others can actually use the uncertainty of life as a motivation for their failures! If ever that was the case for me, I wouldn't ever consider CTB since... I'd be like a masochist? Enjoying the pain of life.


And yeah, I totally agree on your second point. Sometimes we want to prove ourselves, even if ultimately no one would care, just to... scale one's level? Ofc it's often rather disappointing. I used to think that if I majored in the hardest option, I could fare well? But now I did and I definitely am not. (It's not technically the hardest subject since some other, better unis have it harder, but me struggling with even that confirms that all I can live is a normal life; I'm not destined for greatness or any of that BS. I'm totally fine with it tbh. But when you work and you still don't get the expected results... It's when it hits hard, as you said.)

And for the relationship part, I do realize my worry over it is mostly due to my current friends' influence over me. They all have mostly enjoyed a normal teenager life and so I consider myself an outcast because I haven't experienced most of what they did. Well, we're social creatures so we long for such things. I'm talking for my current situation, ofc. And I really do consider going for the same way you did; just working until my parents die without considering anything else. It's way easier that way since otherwise I'd have to search for what may interest me, create social relations with more people (which is straining to say the least) and all that stuff that comes with being an adult. It might be a coward's way but Idrc about such principles.

And, saying you're the biggest pessimist would really unveil you as yet another lost soul. Don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say, but I do think I relate to what you are trying to do. Despite all what life is in terms of struggles, you keep on finding a way out just because there's still someone to stay for.

Sadly; yes, I wish someone could at least tell us what our point into existence is? Well some who are fortunate are comforted by their beliefs to keep them away from this point. We all have our coping mechanisms. I'm still trying to find one tho.

Thought your commitment, despite 30+ years of suicidal intent, shows how resilient life made you to become! And it's really awesome how you, till this very age, are alive in consideration for your father!

Well, to be honest, I'm not really sure on what major to follow. I haven't really cleared it out, but basically in this country, you study 2 preparatory years then choose which major you want to follow. Most here follow CS, but out of 7000 who were promoted to engineers this year only 500 worked. I'm really not sure what to do, since if I seek a degree abroad I'd have an easier time finding a job. But that'd need even more complications! And my parents really aren't that financially stable to support it.

But as you said, I really think I should give most jobs on the market a try and see which I have affinity for, then just go for it. The problem being me not having any affinity with anything... but well I'll try then see.

And yeah, bipolar like: I'm sitting emotionlessly, then suddenly my mood drops and I feel like CTBing. My personality changes a bit too, but I've managed to control that over the years. Every thought going through my head would be to just pick whatever's near me and CTB.
Really not sure whether I'm bipolar or smth else tho, since therapy on this country is shit AF.But I'm taking some meds to calm it down a little, or at least think so.


anyway, as you said, I've waffles a ton too! I actually enjoy these types of conversations because I actually find you quite helpful in life! Especially since you've been through a lot, which I really wish you never went through.

Thank you. I've enjoyed the conversation too. I think you are very insightful about your own circumstances and perspective on life. I'm not sure that does either of us any favours though to be honest seeing as it seems as if we both have leanings towards pessimism! I think it's good you are at least willing to try stuff though. I expect I will have to do the same soon. Just to earn some money. My current job is very all or nothing.

I wish you all the very best with your studies. I really hope it becomes easier. I'm no expert with bipolar but I think it is characterized by periods of mania too- as well as depression. Do you get periods of high intense energy? The textbook description is that alongside things like spending money frivolously during that time and wanting to start new projects- followed by the crash. I don't get the sense you experience this so much? Might be wrong though and it might not mean you don't suffer from bipolar- like I say, I'm no expert. Whatever it is though- it sounds tough- I'm sorry.

 

[daocreator]

Thank you. I've enjoyed the conversation too. I think you are very insightful about your own circumstances and perspective on life. I'm not sure that does either of us any favours though to be honest seeing as it seems as if we both have leanings towards pessimism! I think it's good you are at least willing to try stuff though. I expect I will have to do the same soon. Just to earn some money. My current job is very all or nothing.

I wish you all the very best with your studies. I really hope it becomes easier. I'm no expert with bipolar but I think it is characterized by periods of mania too- as well as depression. Do you get periods of high intense energy? The textbook description is that alongside things like spending money frivolously during that time and wanting to start new projects- followed by the crash. I don't get the sense you experience this so much? Might be wrong though and it might not mean you don't suffer from bipolar- like I say, I'm no expert. Whatever it is though- it sounds tough- I'm sorry.

You are correct about me choosing to try out stuff. I'm thinking of getting away of that "whatever happens happens, I'm gonna CTB anyway so i shouldn't stress too much" mindset. At least, until my parents go. And, like you, to earn a living. I didn't lose all interest to the point of becoming anhedonic, so I'll see what I can do to busy myself aside studies.

When I'm with my friends, I feel the intense energy, the need to talk with them. A bit cringy, since kids nowadays use that as the term "the one who makes the group laugh", but i do get episodes of extreme depression when I'm with them. Like, laughing then suddenly I feel like CTBing. I'm not really sure, as you said!

Anyway, I think I'm open to leaving this post to talk about life in general. I don't mind that at all, since I'll at least have someone with more experience yet a similar mindset to talk to. I really do hope you find a job that's to your liking