How did you weigh the pros and cons of being alive?

[Usako0504]

I'm thinking really hard and I think I've tried everything in my power to get better, but I think it's time to ctb.

how did you know it was time for you to ctb? How do you really know it's not going to get better?

im really scared but every time I think about even doing a year more of living my life like this I start panicking.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

Simple. I had a bad life from the moment I was born, then it kept getting worse.

Most people have it pretty decent, and treatment can help them.

MY RUBRIC
Have you done a lot of treatment? Have you tried out your 20s?

 

[Usako0504]

Simple. I had a bad life from the moment I was born, then it kept getting worse.

Most people have it pretty decent, and treatment can help them.

MY RUBRIC
Have you done a lot of treatment? Have you tried out your 20s?

I've had over 20 jobs, everything from sales to retail to sex work to IT and I'm 24. I've been in therapy for 10 years on and off and I've been to the psych ward 3 times and done out patient 3 times. I have taken over 15+ meds including anti depressants and anti psychotics and I throw most of them up and also don't feel better. I tried getting into TMS but a bad misdiagnosis fucked my insurance from covering it. I can't afford ketamine treatments.

I went to college but nearly flunked out because of illness from mold poisoning.Went to community college but couldn't afford living on my own and school, can't afford a co-signer for any other type of school. Can't hold down any job.My life was in limbo for 2 years because I got arrested after my landlord attacked me and was fighting off assault charges even though I called the cops.

 

[BPD Barbie]

For me, I kinda just knew when the time was right. The same with when I started to get better, something just snapped inside me both times.
For the suicidal aspect, I found no joy in anything I previously loved. I had no drive, could see nothing past my chosen date, I wrote a will, picked an urn out etc. Everything felt serene and calm, no panic anymore. I felt so at peace with the choice.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

For me, I kinda just knew when the time was right. The same with when I started to get better, something just snapped inside me both times.
For the suicidal aspect, I found no joy in anything I previously loved. I had no drive, could see nothing past my chosen date, I wrote a will, picked an urn out etc. Everything felt serene and calm, no panic anymore. I felt so at peace with the choice.

I am at peace too.

 

[Usako0504]

For me, I kinda just knew when the time was right. The same with when I started to get better, something just snapped inside me both times.
For the suicidal aspect, I found no joy in anything I previously loved. I had no drive, could see nothing past my chosen date, I wrote a will, picked an urn out etc. Everything felt serene and calm, no panic anymore. I felt so at peace with the choice.

were you panicked before? I feel backed into a wall.

 

[BPD Barbie]

were you panicked before? I feel backed into a wall.

Yes and no. I only felt backed into a corner by my mental illness. After having previous attempts though I kinda know my own darkness well and it's less scary and intimidating now. I guess I learnt to play with my demons. The only panic I guess I really had was being able to even make it to my chosen date.

 

[Usako0504]

Yes and no. I only felt backed into a corner by my mental illness. After having previous attempts though I kinda know my own darkness well and it's less scary and intimidating now. I guess I learnt to play with my demons. The only panic I guess I really had was being able to even make it to my chosen date.

That's how I feel but I guess it's with life. If there wasn't the pressure to make money or do well career wise I don't think the urge to kill my self would be so strong

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

After having previous attempts though I kinda know my own darkness well and it's less scary and intimidating now. I guess I learnt to play with my demons.

I really like this and find it a beneficial perspective. Thank you.

 

[muntyroo]

Yes I've made peace with my demons, I'm utterly fed up pretending to be functional or fine, I'm utterly miserable and have been since my partner died 10 years ago. I've taken meds, talked, tried to date. I'm utterly utterly bereft daily. The loneliness is crucifying, even when with friends. There is an intrinsic part that's screaming in pain. No one has a clue.