How did you feel days before your attempt and then hours before you did it?

[Terrible_Life]

How did you feel days before your attempt and then hours before you did it?
Was there any inner peace or was it anxiety and fear ?
If it was fear , what exactly did you fear ?

 

[dragonofenvy]

There was one attempt I remember vividly. I was trying to die of hypothermia. It was my birthday, and also the day I quit my job. I felt a deep sadness, and for the first time in many years I cried. I didn't cry out of sadness though, I cried out of anger and frustration. I was frustrated that my life had gotten so shitty that I had to resort to this. In the days leading up to it though, I felt excitement. Finally, I was going to be liberated.

I sat outside in very cold temperatures and waited. Eventually I felt calm, relaxed. I sat and looked at the stars in the sky, the moon reflecting off the snow in millions of flashing lights. I accepted what was going to happen.

Then the pain started to set in. Slow at first, but it grew more agonizing. It wasn't the kind of pain you feel when you're burned or something, but rather a really, really intense discomfort. It felt like tiny little frost crystals were forming in my skin, and maybe they were. It was a really strange feeling of having my whole body numb, while still feeling this horrible sensation in my skin. I tried to endure, long enough to feel my body heat up again (late stage hypothermia) before I eventually couldn't stand it and went back inside my apartment, and fell unconscious in my bed. I was lucky I didn't get frostbite.

 

[tasmaka]

The days before it felt agonizing, like a constant state of fear and crying., honestly I hallucinated horribly, convinced there was people in my house, everyone waiting to get me stuff. The night of, I was mocked for my issues by some friends, set it off, I took as many pills as I had, it felt great for 20 minutes or so, but not so much after. I tried to lay in bed as I felt myself tired, standing up I fell on the floor and couldnt stand, though painful I felt fear, slight regret (I HATE pain) sobbed trying not to fall asleep in fear Id die for some reason.

Days after I cut communication with everyone who might've known, nobody speaks or knows it, but the memory of laying in the dark kinda sticks

 

[Terrible_Life]

There was one attempt I remember vividly. I was trying to die of hypothermia. It was my birthday, and also the day I quit my job. I felt a deep sadness, and for the first time in many years I cried. I didn't cry out of sadness though, I cried out of anger and frustration. I was frustrated that my life had gotten so shitty that I had to resort to this. In the days leading up to it though, I felt excitement. Finally, I was going to be liberated.

I sat outside in very cold temperatures and waited. Eventually I felt calm, relaxed. I sat and looked at the stars in the sky, the moon reflecting off the snow in millions of flashing lights. I accepted what was going to happen.

Then the pain started to set in. Slow at first, but it grew more agonizing. It wasn't the kind of pain you feel when you're burned or something, but rather a really, really intense discomfort. It felt like tiny little frost crystals were forming in my skin, and maybe they were. It was a really strange feeling of having my whole body numb, while still feeling this horrible sensation in my skin. I tried to endure, long enough to feel my body heat up again (late stage hypothermia) before I eventually couldn't stand it and went back inside my apartment, and fell unconscious in my bed. I was lucky I didn't get frostbite.

I am so sorry that you went through such a traumatic event.
I think in your case you overcame si because of impulsiveness and of course also hopelessness. I can absolutely understand the part where you mention that you were frustrated because your life got so horrible this same sentence could be from me.
I am very angry at myself that I waited so long but I plan to ctb soon by full hanging it should 100% work I prepared everything but you know what? Although the situation is so terrible my si still prevents me from finding peace with my decision to ctb. So I think that I should just stop looking for inner peace it will never happen instead senseless stupid discussions with myself will happen then I get exhausted go to sleep and next day wonder why I don't make progress .

 

[Dumbass]

days before -> excited and sad, frequent breakdowns
hours before -> heavy sense of doom & guilt

 

[Terrible_Life]

The days before it felt agonizing, like a constant state of fear and crying., honestly I hallucinated horribly, convinced there was people in my house, everyone waiting to get me stuff. The night of, I was mocked for my issues by some friends, set it off, I took as many pills as I had, it felt great for 20 minutes or so, but not so much after. I tried to lay in bed as I felt myself tired, standing up I fell on the floor and couldnt stand, though painful I felt fear, slight regret (I HATE pain) sobbed trying not to fall asleep in fear Id die for some reason.

Days after I cut communication with everyone who might've known, nobody speaks or knows it, but the memory of laying in the dark kinda sticks

I am so sorry:( this sounds so sad and nobody should endure something like that. A person who wants to end it should have a peaceful pill that he could use.
I also have absolutely no one now in this final chapter I am completely alone I planned it all alone and I had a failed attempt and nobody know anything about it. It felt so weird I was staying there with the noose on my neck then I got so afraid and stopped it then after this horrible event all I was thinking about was to put everything in order so no one will know anything.
After this failed attempt there was no miracle or angel coming to me and sending me a message or other bs but instead my mental pain got much worse and horrible things happened in the last few weeks so I regret every day that I was a coward on that damn day. But this was 4 weeks ago and now I concentrated my last remaining energy and prepared everything for another attempt this time even if I will have anxiety and fear of death and fear of pain whatever I will tell myself that no what would happen after this here will fail?! I will suffer even more; I won't seek any help because that never helped me and I have enough from this contaminated scum life I don't wanna carry this shit life any longer.

days before -> excited and sad, frequent breakdowns
hours before -> heavy sense of doom & guilt

Why did you have a sense of guilt ? Was it because of the family who would be very sad after you die?

 

[Dumbass]

Why did you have a sense of guilt ? Was it because of the family who would be very sad after you die?

Basically yeah! I knew how badly it would affect my friends and family & the thought of never hanging out with them again really sucks haha (or "this is the last time i'll ever talk to them/hang out" and such) (hence the doom)

 

[Terrible_Life]

Basically yeah! I knew how badly it would affect my friends and family & the thought of never hanging out with them again really sucks haha (or "this is the last time i'll ever talk to them/hang out" and such) (hence the doom)

Which method did you use if I may ask ?

 

[Dumbass]

Which method did you use if I may ask ?

Yeah no worries! I've used a few, my most recent ones were mainly ligature strangulation or partial suspension, never was able to fully pass out from either one though. Others were more risky/foolish like cutting or by train (i really really reccomend Not going by train or any other vehicle btw, never got run over or anything but the anticipation is hellish)

 

[Terrible_Life]

Yeah no worries! I've used a few, my most recent ones were mainly ligature strangulation or partial suspension, never was able to fully pass out from either one though. Others were more risky/foolish like cutting or by train (i really really reccomend Not going by train or any other vehicle btw, never got run over or anything but the anticipation is hellish)

i plan to use full hanging but for practicing i did partial and I have to say yes when you apply too much pressure during partial at some point it's just too much.
I don't have your experience because I was just practicing so ofc I always had it in my mind to stop whenever I'll be too close to become unconscious and there really were some moments I was so close that my arms started shaking but still I have to say when a noose is really tight on your neck and there is lots of constant pressure on the neck it hurts so much , completely forget about swallowing that will hurt so much.

How did it feel to you doing partial ? Was it painful and in which position did you try? I guess it was the pain maybe why you stopped the attempt which is absolutely understandable. If I'd do partial I'd start with little pressure and keep that so I can compress the carotids and then when I fail very weak I'd apply as much pressure as possible by sitting on the air and I'd hope that I'd be gone in 5 seconds because that pain would be so horrible …

 

[Dumbass]

i plan to use full hanging but for practicing i did partial and I have to say yes when you apply too much pressure during partial at some point it's just too much.
I don't have your experience because I was just practicing so ofc I always had it in my mind to stop whenever I'll be too close to become unconscious and there really were some moments I was so close that my arms started shaking but still I have to say when a noose is really tight on your neck and there is lots of constant pressure on the neck it hurts so much , completely forget about swallowing that will hurt so much.

How did it feel to you doing partial ? Was it painful and in which position did you try? I guess it was the pain maybe why you stopped the attempt which is absolutely understandable. If I'd do partial I'd start with little pressure and keep that so I can compress the carotids and then when I fail very weak I'd apply as much pressure as possible by sitting on the air and I'd hope that I'd be gone in 5 seconds because that pain would be so horrible …

Oh I see! That is a really scary experience, sorry you went through that even if it was voluntary :'] And yess omg swallowing is hell. I automatically swallowed pretty often during some of my attempts/practices and it was so so so uncomfortable.

It wasn't really that painful (I mean, there was definitely pain, esp headaches, but it wasn't excruciating surprisingly) for me as I never could get the right position I think? The main feeling was discomfort or panic, any major pain would mainly be from trying the method too often which would result in lasting headaches rather than the usual ones you may get when trying it in the moment. And yess yeah I did try that at first, but since nothing was getting me close to passing out, a lot of my later attempts were with more force. That's partly why I haven't stuck to full suspension because partial lets me stop if I don't pass out quick enough (I'd try to count to at least 20 before backing out), but I also just don't have any good anchor points high enough atm Lol

 

[Terrible_Life]

Anyone there who would like to share their experience??

 

[spiders.in.my.head]

the days before i decided i would attempt were awful. panic attacks, depression, crying, losing my damn mind. once i decided i would ctb tho? peace. silence. i almost felt giddy. something like happiness for the first time in a while. i was able to enjoy what i thought would be my last few hours, because i wasn't weighed down by the future or the promise of misery in my mind returning.

the only times in the last 4 or 5 months i've felt anything close to joy or peace were when i was dead set on ctb.

 

[blacksand]

Numb.

 

[chaewon]

Ive only had one planned ctb attempt as the rest were all impulsive/ on the spot, i was trying to breath CO from my cars exhaust it has the catalyst removed, and I got a oxygen mask and tape two days before planning to attach it inside the exhaust pipe (bad idea obviously) but anyways while i was buying the stuff I need I was actually very happy like smiling ear to ear in the mirror thinking that i've finally found something peaceful and that I can finally leave my shitty life behind, few hours beofre the attempt i was in my car looking for a deserted area where i wont be found fast to park and do this, all while my girlfriend was calling me and actually fighting with me lol but anyways i ended up getting frustrated and crying from not being able to find anywhere (this was same hour) and then as soon as the breakdown started insane horrible feelings followed - Hate towards everyone who is a reason i was doing this , Fear of missing out on a good life if i had waited , Guilt and sadness over my little brother (only person who loves me unconditionally on this planet with my cats) and my cat, and anxiety about failing. Anwyays I found a place with barely anyone passing it was a factory area i parked at the back of a factory and i realised i cant use the mask as someone could see it but if i just breathe through sitting near it i can pretend im fixing somethint So i just laid down right next to the exhaust pipe and was crying from just how horrible my life is to the point it led me to this basically self pity and obviously it didnt kill me as i wasnt close enough to the pipe and just got teary eyes and a fucked throat and got up drove back home lol

 

[Terrible_Life]

the days before i decided i would attempt were awful. panic attacks, depression, crying, losing my damn mind. once i decided i would ctb tho? peace. silence. i almost felt giddy. something like happiness for the first time in a while. i was able to enjoy what i thought would be my last few hours, because i wasn't weighed down by the future or the promise of misery in my mind returning.

the only times in the last 4 or 5 months i've felt anything close to joy or peace were when i was dead set on ctb.

I also felt depressed and had panic attacks these days but slowly it all starts to change into the right direction. I start to see ctb as my exit from this nightmare. It feels like I was trapped in hell with this horrible painful life but now a portal will open soon and I will have the possibility to enter that portal and leave this hell.

Ive only had one planned ctb attempt as the rest were all impulsive/ on the spot, i was trying to breath CO from my cars exhaust it has the catalyst removed, and I got a oxygen mask and tape two days before planning to attach it inside the exhaust pipe (bad idea obviously) but anyways while i was buying the stuff I need I was actually very happy like smiling ear to ear in the mirror thinking that i've finally found something peaceful and that I can finally leave my shitty life behind, few hours beofre the attempt i was in my car looking for a deserted area where i wont be found fast to park and do this, all while my girlfriend was calling me and actually fighting with me lol but anyways i ended up getting frustrated and crying from not being able to find anywhere (this was same hour) and then as soon as the breakdown started insane horrible feelings followed - Hate towards everyone who is a reason i was doing this , Fear of missing out on a good life if i had waited , Guilt and sadness over my little brother (only person who loves me unconditionally on this planet with my cats) and my cat, and anxiety about failing. Anwyays I found a place with barely anyone passing it was a factory area i parked at the back of a factory and i realised i cant use the mask as someone could see it but if i just breathe through sitting near it i can pretend im fixing somethint So i just laid down right next to the exhaust pipe and was crying from just how horrible my life is to the point it led me to this basically self pity and obviously it didnt kill me as i wasnt close enough to the pipe and just got teary eyes and a fucked throat and got up drove back home lol

I am so sorry to hear this
You mentioned that you feared you'd miss the good life this interesting many people think like that. It's like as if we digging and digging and then we wanna gave up but our mind wants to suggest us oh no continue little just little bit then you'll have the gold….unfortunately I realized this was all just my si and no miracle happened just more pain happened the more I prolonged my suicide.
May I ask: did your life got better after the attempt? Did you seek help?
I know that my life will never be a life worth to be lived and professional help wouldn't help me because I have absolutely no energy left and also I am very sad and damaged from all the pain I endured therefore they could give me as much advices as they want it would go into one ear and leave in the other ear. I don't wanna waste any more hope and time for this shit life that I have.

 

[ladyofsorrows]

every time i attempted, i just felt this heavy, oppressive darkness over me if that makes sense. everything felt so dark and gloomy.

 

[Terrible_Life]

every time i attempted, i just felt this heavy, oppressive darkness over me if that makes sense. everything felt so dark and gloomy.

I also felt like that during my last attempt but this was probably because before that I was never so close to actually do it therefore it was something unknown to me. Since then I suffered so much that every day I regretted that I didn't die on that day.