how did you become suicidal? Also is anyone here religious?

[FutureHanger]

Were you always suicidal like a nihilist from childhood? Was it an on and off cycle? Was it depression and ideation that progressively got worse? Was it one big moment were you realised how fucked your life is? I've had an on and off cycle but discovered self improvement which for about a year made me lose ideation and even if I very rarely like once every couple months got thoughts of it I'd just know it was just temporary and would pass away then one day I was scrolling reddit and saw something that described something traumatic I witnessed happen to my brother, the person I love the most, then suddenly all the delusion of telling myself I'd eventually get over my tough times and build myself through self improvement wore off and I realised I really am just better off CTBing as I've always viewed CTBing as a last resort if life was shit since imo the only reason to be alive is to be happy so whenever I see stories of people going through crazy stuff my first thought is "if I was in their shoes I'd just CTB" then when the delusion wore off I realised I really was fucked and my mental health was too shit for me to ever gain back the motivation for self improvement I once had. Also it seems to me like part of the reason why others who've "had it worse" can maintain better than others who've had it "better" than them yet still CTB is because the people who've had it worse and survived had a religion to motivate them to stay alive no matter what so I wonder if there's anyone religious here?

 

[DoubleUp8]

Many different religions in the world. When I was young I explored many of them. Raised Catholic, in my teens I wondered if there is only 1 god then why so many different religions and does any 1 of them have it exactly right because the Catholic Church certainly does not. Today I believe in God. Still identify as Catholic but rarely go into a Catholic or any other church, mosque, synagogue or any other house of worship. I think that Catholic Church got some things right but clearly not everything. I am very ashamed of the church and the rampant pedophilia that has taken place and been covered up for years.

 

[gbi2]

I became suicidal from the result of having to deal with a lot of difficult people in a short space of time. I'm just fed up of it. Same reason I was like this many years ago.

Which is also why I am not religious. There is no way my dad would make me come back and face all this again after what happened last time, so I don't believe in him.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

In not religious at all .I'm always some part of nihilist efilist promortalist .

But not really this is the only thing that seems logical to me:

I think nothing matters except avoiding extreme pain.

 

[Ash’Girl]

Abusive step father. Absent biological father.
Childhood trauma wired my brain differently.
As a result as I grew up, I repeated many similarly toxic patterns within romantic relationships and suffered more abuse.

My brains default response to threat or trauma, if fawning doesn't work, is to freeze (disassociation for me), or to escape (default escape is the final escape: ctb).

I've tried retraining my brain, multiple types of therapy, multiple different drugs, but essentially though I've had periods where I can mask or manage better, I still default back to the base, core truth for my existence: life is painful, it gets more painful the older I get, and I'm tired and just want peace

Religion? Not really, or not in a traditional way. I believe there is something more than this existence, I'm my own brand of "spiritual", but I do not believe in the traditional concepts of all powerful deity, heaven and hell. For me they are man made inventions to control the masses and excuse abhorrent behaviours.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, anything to do with religion is completely fictional to me. I wish to cease existing on my own terms as to have the ability to exist is something so incredibly undesirable, I'd rather eternally not exist than have the ability to suffer in this hellish world. I see human existence as futile, burdensome and torturous, and in my case suicide would be a rational solution to prevent all future unnecessary suffering. Existence itself is the true problem and wanting to die is all that makes sense to me.

 

[FutureHanger]

No, anything to do with religion is completely fictional to me. I wish to cease existing on my own terms as to have the ability to exist is something so incredibly undesirable, I'd rather eternally not exist than have the ability to suffer in this hellish world. I see human existence as futile, burdensome and torturous, and in my case suicide would be a rational solution to prevent all future unnecessary suffering. Existence itself is the true problem and wanting to die is all that makes sense to me.

lol i knew you'd say something like that you the reason I included nihilist as an option since based what i've seen you comment it looks like you've always hated life and been nihilistic but fairs

 

[LifeCouldBeADream]

I became depressed when I was probably 12 after watching my grandfather slowly pass from cancer and my parents divorce I won't spew my whole life story but thats were it started and id say im more spiritual then religious

 

[jackrussell023]

Used to be. When my parents got divorced I had a school friend who introduced me - was vulnerable, but at least has some people who seemed to care.

the church leadership didn't believe in boyfriend/girlfriends and said we (not said school friend) should marry. After marrying I slowly drifted away, whilst my ex leaned into it, but always changed churches just as I started to feel comfortable there and what i now see as other manipulative and controlling actions.

After 20yrs, When going through divorce, she showed no Christian values - was totally out to destroy me in any way possible and blamed it 110% on me. In top of that, i was talking to one of the churches leaders recently and she said she was surprised we got together, but at the time was pushing it. Therefore I have no more interest in religion as people use it to justify/hide behind their own poor behaviour.

 

[gotomrg]

bullying was the reason i became suicidal. then i just never had a break.