My marriage ended (by email, and as a total shock out the blue to me) in 2015. We'd intended to move from the city out to the country and start a garden, maybe raise some chickens. Have a bit of the good life. Then, suddenly, with a couple of hours to pack a bag and get out, it was all gone.
Then my health started deteriorating. Turns out I've got a genetic disorder that causes pain, my joints to dislocate, means I can't eat properly, often have to use a catheter to urinate and all sorts of other things.
I didn't dare ever hope my life would be good again. Then, I got together with my soul mate. He was a friend already and I never knew he liked me. We were perfect for each other.
We had a couple of breakups, but got through it all. End of last year, we decided to make that move out from the city. We spent a year deciding whether to move in together or not, and had just spend a few weeks driving across the country and back looking at places. We found literally the most perfect house, I never could have DARED dream of something so beautiful. We started ordering furniture. The Sunday before last, we were out choosing seeds together for the garden we were going to plant.
We'd had a bit of a misunderstanding that hadn't gotten resolved. Out of the blue, the following day, I get another FUCKING EMAIL, telling me that the love of my life is dumping me. The person I've given all of my heart to for the last six years and loved with every fibre of my being literally told me that I (*and* our relationship) didn't deserve any better than to get dumped like that.
I literally cannot believe that this is fucking happening. How the hell has my life become this... this... utter disaster? And now, I'm so screwed it's not even funny. I can't work and live on benefits, so can't afford a decent place on my own but I have to move because my current place is costing me too much, plus I live on the second floor in a building with no lifts. Sometimes the two flights of stairs back up to my flat feels like I'm climbing Everest.
I don't have any friends I have regular contact with. I don't have a carer. I can't drive and I can rarely get out on my own. The last week, all I've been able to do is drink my way through the waking hours because I seriously don't know what the hell I'm going to do. And I'm stuck here in this flat, surrounded by all these boxes that I'd started packing for the life I was so excited to start so soon, that's now been irrevocably destroyed.
Why can't the pain of that alone be enough to literally kill me? It's not fair. I feel like I'm dying, everything hurts that much. There is actually a medical condition called broken heart syndrome. Why is it, that with all my medical problems, the one thing I don't have is the one damn thing that would actually HELP me. Fuck my life. Just fuck it all.
I don't want this to beat me, but since I was a toddler, my life has been pain. I've fought to survive abuse, rape, more abuse. Life has kicked me over and over and I've kept getting up and part of me really doesn't want this to be the thing that breaks me because if this is how little care he has for me then HE definitely doesn't deserve to be the thing that breaks me. But oh god, I just don't know how I can do this any more. Life literally feels like torture. I am addicted to opiates and will have to be for the rest of my life in order to just have any degree of capability. I've got depleted bone density and am going in to early menopause because I've been underweight for six years without getting the feeding tube I desperately needed (thanks, NHS). I'm falling apart and realistically, the best I could hope for is to not get any worse than this - my genetic disorder means that now, I'm never going to get 'better', not like I used to be. In 2014, I was clambering around temples on holiday. Now, I can barely go to the shops on my own.
FUCK.
Thank you, if you read all this. It's so good to be able to say all this somewhere where people won't just say crap like "hang in there, it'll get better". Which makes me just want to punch them, because really, will it? How the hell do you know it will!? Life has shown me pretty relentlessly that it doesn't!
(and if anyone would like to PM chat, please drop me a line, I interact with humans so little that I'd really appreciate any contact)
Then my health started deteriorating. Turns out I've got a genetic disorder that causes pain, my joints to dislocate, means I can't eat properly, often have to use a catheter to urinate and all sorts of other things.
I didn't dare ever hope my life would be good again. Then, I got together with my soul mate. He was a friend already and I never knew he liked me. We were perfect for each other.
We had a couple of breakups, but got through it all. End of last year, we decided to make that move out from the city. We spent a year deciding whether to move in together or not, and had just spend a few weeks driving across the country and back looking at places. We found literally the most perfect house, I never could have DARED dream of something so beautiful. We started ordering furniture. The Sunday before last, we were out choosing seeds together for the garden we were going to plant.
We'd had a bit of a misunderstanding that hadn't gotten resolved. Out of the blue, the following day, I get another FUCKING EMAIL, telling me that the love of my life is dumping me. The person I've given all of my heart to for the last six years and loved with every fibre of my being literally told me that I (*and* our relationship) didn't deserve any better than to get dumped like that.
I literally cannot believe that this is fucking happening. How the hell has my life become this... this... utter disaster? And now, I'm so screwed it's not even funny. I can't work and live on benefits, so can't afford a decent place on my own but I have to move because my current place is costing me too much, plus I live on the second floor in a building with no lifts. Sometimes the two flights of stairs back up to my flat feels like I'm climbing Everest.
I don't have any friends I have regular contact with. I don't have a carer. I can't drive and I can rarely get out on my own. The last week, all I've been able to do is drink my way through the waking hours because I seriously don't know what the hell I'm going to do. And I'm stuck here in this flat, surrounded by all these boxes that I'd started packing for the life I was so excited to start so soon, that's now been irrevocably destroyed.
Why can't the pain of that alone be enough to literally kill me? It's not fair. I feel like I'm dying, everything hurts that much. There is actually a medical condition called broken heart syndrome. Why is it, that with all my medical problems, the one thing I don't have is the one damn thing that would actually HELP me. Fuck my life. Just fuck it all.
I don't want this to beat me, but since I was a toddler, my life has been pain. I've fought to survive abuse, rape, more abuse. Life has kicked me over and over and I've kept getting up and part of me really doesn't want this to be the thing that breaks me because if this is how little care he has for me then HE definitely doesn't deserve to be the thing that breaks me. But oh god, I just don't know how I can do this any more. Life literally feels like torture. I am addicted to opiates and will have to be for the rest of my life in order to just have any degree of capability. I've got depleted bone density and am going in to early menopause because I've been underweight for six years without getting the feeding tube I desperately needed (thanks, NHS). I'm falling apart and realistically, the best I could hope for is to not get any worse than this - my genetic disorder means that now, I'm never going to get 'better', not like I used to be. In 2014, I was clambering around temples on holiday. Now, I can barely go to the shops on my own.
FUCK.
Thank you, if you read all this. It's so good to be able to say all this somewhere where people won't just say crap like "hang in there, it'll get better". Which makes me just want to punch them, because really, will it? How the hell do you know it will!? Life has shown me pretty relentlessly that it doesn't!
(and if anyone would like to PM chat, please drop me a line, I interact with humans so little that I'd really appreciate any contact)
