Venting How did I get here and where am I going?

[amnesia999]

Trying not to give out too much personal information... Around 20 years ago I was diagnosed with SAD (social anxiety disorder) and OCD. A year or two later they tossed out that diagnosis and called it GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) instead. It wasn't surprising; I'd felt that way most of my life. Then recently they added PTSD to it.

So I took a job as an office worker because I thought it'd be less stressful than other jobs I've had in the past. However, due to multiple things happening and changes at work, I found myself in a state of high anxiety (the kind you can feel in your joints; the feelings are hard to explain to people who've never experienced them) and couldn't bring myself to go to work. That lasted for over 2 months. I did get involved in group therapy and that helped. My employer was not happy about my missing work. The cherry on top was having to put my dog down recently.

Last week, I thought about "CTB" (how do you all come up with these acronyms :-) a lot, every day.

So, the question I have to answer for myself is, do I want to remain in the land of the living or not. On the one hand, I don't want to leave my (very supportive) wife in the lurch. On the other hand, I'm tired of all the drama, have basically wrecked my finances, and am not sure if it's ever going to get better. So I guess we'll see.

 

[amnesia999]

OK, I've decided not to off myself. So there's that. Still feeling depressed a lot of the time, though.

A bit more about my boring self. I stay in jobs I don't like for way too long because I hate playing the game of finding a new one. I especially hate going to job interviews. So I was a police dispatcher for 16 years, which was way too long. (That'll make a bunch of you suspicious of me right there, but believe me I'm not here to keep anyone from doing what they want to do with their own bodies.)

Ironically enough, I remember taking a call from some girl who said she was cutting on herself and sending the cops out to check her, although she was talking about it so cavalierly that it made me wonder if she really was doing it. One year I won an award for getting a woman to cut her boyfriend down after she came home and found he had hung himself in the garage. (He survived.) I quit working at 9-1-1 because it triggered my OCD big time. The money was good, though...

So now I've been working in an office job that I don't like for another 16 years and am not sure how I'm going to get out of it. I have had 2 periods, one earlier this year, where my anxiety got so triggered by what was happening at work, and got so high that I felt physically ill by the thought of going to work. So I didn't. I spent a month going to something called "intensive outpatient therapy". Not a good way to make your employer like you, but at least they didn't fire me either time. It really fucked up my life financially, though, which is a mess I'm now dealing with.

The good news is that I have a therapist who I love, and a partner who has my back.

 

[sugarb]

OK, I've decided not to off myself. So there's that. Still feeling depressed a lot of the time, though.

A bit more about my boring self. I stay in jobs I don't like for way too long because I hate playing the game of finding a new one. I especially hate going to job interviews. So I was a police dispatcher for 16 years, which was way too long. (That'll make a bunch of you suspicious of me right there, but believe me I'm not here to keep anyone from doing what they want to do with their own bodies.)

Ironically enough, I remember taking a call from some girl who said she was cutting on herself and sending the cops out to check her, although she was talking about it so cavalierly that it made me wonder if she really was doing it. One year I won an award for getting a woman to cut her boyfriend down after she came home and found he had hung himself in the garage. (He survived.) I quit working at 9-1-1 because it triggered my OCD big time. The money was good, though...

So now I've been working in an office job that I don't like for another 16 years and am not sure how I'm going to get out of it. I have had 2 periods, one earlier this year, where my anxiety got so triggered by what was happening at work, and got so high that I felt physically ill by the thought of going to work. So I didn't. I spent a month going to something called "intensive outpatient therapy". Not a good way to make your employer like you, but at least they didn't fire me either time. It really fucked up my life financially, though, which is a mess I'm now dealing with.

The good news is that I have a therapist who I love, and a partner who has my back.

hey, glad everything ended up more or less ok my dude. Wish you well. ^^