how devastating is dysphoria and dysmorphia for you?

[luks]

i hate my body and everything about it. i look in the mirror and want to pull the skin off my body. ive been on hrt for some years and my disgust with the way i look has barely changed. ive always felt this way about myself, and now it just feels like im decaying in a body i cant stand stand to look at.

 

[wastingtime]

i an so ugly and fat i just dont see a way for me to ever look pretty. every time i see the model like girls on social media i lose more and more hope for myself. the only way out is to CTB if im not naturally beautiful

 

[Kokonoe]

It is completely debilitating for me. It causes me so much pain everyday and there's really nothing I can do. It's a major reason I'm going to CTB.

 

[reallysleepy]

It's one of the biggest reasons I want to ctb. I hate my body so much, if I look myself in the mirror for just one second I get sad af. I hate that I don't look like a cis girl and that no matter what I do I'll never will. I hate that I'm bald, that I'm hairy, that I'm fat, I hate my voice, my "breast", my figure, my genitals, my face. I also hate that if I would be a dude I would be a good looking one too, I was so close to being pretty.
I just want to be normal, I'm tired of having to embrace being weird to try to find beauty. I'm tired of feeling that the only people that find my beautiful is the people that find uglyness beautiful or something to exotice.

 

[oofuf]

What gets me is the fact that I never had and will never have the chance to live as a girl I tried to deny my feelings I thought 'There's no way I'm trans it must be something else'. When I actually realized that I am trans it was the worst; It's so hard to accept that I can't ever feel truly happy, I can't fake being a man and I can't even try to be a girl.

 

[tinyghost]

it definitely feels like it significantly decreases my quality of life. with dysmorphia, its caused by my ed, so im constantly trying to lose weight which causes a slew of problems. but it least i can tell myself eventually ill lose enough go be happy. with dysphoria, it can certainly make me feel hopeless, bc hrt can only do so much and surgery is unlikely to happen within years. it feels like i will never ever feel at home in my own body. like my true life can never start. disability also adds to the feeling. sometimes it makes me want to put off my death so that i can possibly experience a "better" body before i die, but sometimes it makes me feel so hopeless it fuels my desire to cbt.

 

[passivethought121]

Dysphoria makes me fear gaining weight because I'll look more like a woman. Reminds me that if I get unhealthier I won't technically need HRT to reach a few goals. Dysmorphia makes me feel like I'll never be small enough because I always see my dangerously obese self that I am always trying to run from. HRT and surgery would fix some of these but I keep holding off, thinking "maybe if I was smaller it wouldn't be necessary" despite size only being a third of my dysphoria. That and I'm always convinced I'll CTB within the next few months so there's no point in setting up an appointment. I've had this belief for years yet I still think it's true.

 

[HollowDrop]

I suffered all my life with this. I was bullied by most girls in school and never fit in with girls anywhere cause I was a freak for liking "boy things" like video games so since very young age I started growing this weird sense of "I'm definitely not a girl, I can't understand girls and I never fit in with them" while my brothers were my best friends. Puberty hits and my body changing and becoming different from my male friends and brothers felt terrible, suddenly boys looked at me in a different light when they were the only people who I felt comfortable being with. Eventually I trained my voice to become deeper for online gaming/calls and started binding my chest, I couldn't stand my physical body. I think video game culture at the time also played part, I felt like no one would take my video game skills seriously if they knew I was a girl. I wanted to be treated like everyone else, which was majorly boys in video game communities back then. I entirely quit going to swimming halls or any public beaches, I didn't want people to see my female body. It made me feel scared and ashamed.

All of that said, things are a bit different now. I'm almost 30 and all of this started around when I was 13. I've had a lot of time to experience things, grown different priorities about what's important, grown up. In the last year or two I had made the mental realization of why I always felt this way about my body. It was childhood trauma from being rejected as who I was, because I didn't fit a mold. Because I didn't chase boys like my peers. So I felt like I had to be a boy then. But growing up I started thinking, my brothers always liked me. They liked me because I was into things they also liked. I don't want to take away the sister they love so much. They love me the way I am, why not at least try to accept myself if other people do. There's no rule to what girls are allowed to like or be like, and if someone gives you shit you send them away.

I still struggle with my body and people in gaming communities knowing I'm a girl makes me anxious that they probably think I'm bad at games now. Cause all girls are, right? But when you plan to die, what does it matter. Do what you want, be what you are. I'm tired of living in that self hate and fear. The road to self acceptance after long years of brainwashing myself to be a man is not the easiest but I will die either way so I should just get anything out of life while I still am here.

 

[fwompie]

My dysphoria is probably 50% of why I want to kill myself. I always feel nauseous when looking at my body naked, I quickly start to depersonalize. I hate how other people perceive me and how I'll never have a "real" male body. I don't think it will ever be good enough for me, I might never feel comfortable enough in my own skin.

 

[godsseepiestsoldier]

Im not completly sure if its dysphoria as ive never rlly had the luxury of even considering that part of me as my already pretty mess of a life would be completely destroyed. I have to live in complete darkness now to avoid seeing myself, disabled the camera on my phone and taken all the mirrors out of my appertmant and covered the one in the bathroom as seeing myself fills me with a lot of emotions i dont know how to deal with. Sometimes ive tried to look or smell even slightly feminine to help me cope (implicating a skin care routine, washing with more fragrant bodywashes etc) but always had to stop quite abruptly as friends, family and ppl at school quickly picked up on it and i got a lot of shit for it (even if it was in a more jovial way). I think its always been quite obvious that ive always felt different in regards to my gender but i was never rlly exposed to it until i was 15 and someone ik began to transition. Ive never rlly felt like it but ive always been told im quite handsome and get a lot of male centered compliments which rlly dosent help. Dont wanna go into too much detail about anything as i feel like ive already written a lot but it rlly hurts knowing no matter what ill never be able to even slightly explore a side of myself which is screaming and adding onto my reason for wanting to cbt

 

[puella]

It is the only thing making me want to CTB. Not that I have no other problems, but dysphoria is the only one that makes me suicidal.

 

[Lilythefenfen]

It's agonizing terrible pain.

 

[JustABug]

i hate my body and everything about it. i look in the mirror and want to pull the skin off my body. ive been on hrt for some years and my disgust with the way i look has barely changed. ive always felt this way about myself, and now it just feels like im decaying in a body i cant stand stand to look at.

I suffer with dpdr which creates an even more warped experience of my body. This can be very confusing as I assume I look a certain way but in reality I am completely different. I don't have the masculine parts that I naturally assume I do. I'm even more conscious of my body and feel very debilitated when around others, as I know I don't look the way I feel. I have been struggling with dysphoria since i was 11 and have been out as a trans guy since I was 13, i am 18 now for reference. It hasn't gotten any easier for me and I know I will always struggle with dysphoria. I have had many binders through the years but cannot wear them anymore as I have damaged my ribs. I feel like every 15 year old trans person has worn their binder for more than 100+ hours straight. The trans experience unfortunately lolol. This is why I can't alleviate any chest dysphoria because of my silly ribs. I did just go on a silly rant, and I may not completely understand, but I can resonate with what you've said.

 

[ChildrensITV]

What gets me is the fact that I never had and will never have the chance to live as a girl I tried to deny my feelings I thought 'There's no way I'm trans it must be something else'. When I actually realized that I am trans it was the worst; It's so hard to accept that I can't ever feel truly happy, I can't fake being a man and I can't even try to be a girl.

Why do you have to fake being a man? Can't you just be you and dress however you feel?

 

[oofuf]

Why do you have to fake being a man? Can't you just be you and dress however you feel?

I live in a third world islamic country. Not a good place for lgbt people. Out of all the people I've met my entire life I can think of maybe one of them that isn't transphobic. Thank you for your concern.

 

[Scythe]

I hate being naked, I cannot stand not wearing a binder anymore. Some of my binders are loose so I switch between those to avoid chest issues. I'm in the group that doesn't feel satisified with what gender affirmation things we can get currently. I believe that I'll never be as physically fit as a cis male and it fucking sucks, one of the main reasons I'm trying to die, although not the biggest one. I fantasize about having my genetials removed in horrific ways. My chest consists of 75% scar tissue from sh. I would also attempt CTB if I were to be forced to go off HRT. I've nothing much left to live for anyways.

 

[Headspace Dweller]

Dysphoria used to be a major issue for me - it's lessened to an extent after top surgery, but it still is a part of my life. It was a major contributing factor to my first few attempts to ctb as a teenager/young adult. I don't think it will ever fully go away, and does flare up from time to time over the littlest things. I feel like I'll never be the man I am, despite getting lucky on the Genetic Roulette (T has done some crazy things).

Still, I have every intent of being cremated when I finally pass, so no one can figure out what I was. Gender Mysterious, completely ineffable, lol

 

[Trakehner]

I've never felt comfortable in my own body. I feel disgusting and it causes so much pain knowing that there's nothing I can do to change it. I might be trans but I live in a place that hates lgbt people and my family would probably disown me. Even if transition was an option, I'd never be a true man.