Reddit, reddit, reddit.
There's so much agony in people's posts related to our taboo topic there; asking, crying for help and guidance, getting angry for being told it's gonna be ok, telling the world off...
Those subs do not impact me in a positive way, though I am subscribed to them. I want to read what like-minded people say, and it mostly adds to the burden.
I tend to catch the title with a glimpse of an eye, or a main body of text full of dozens of FUCKs, and I become so stressed I try to scroll past them asap. They are so full of negative energy and I want to discuss suicide as something positive.
Those people don't seem to be aware of this place, this sanctuary. They don't seem to have access to this library of knowledge, but maybe I'm wrong. I want to help, but it's reddit, so replying to a post in a sub full of already negative people is a nope. I'm scared, yes.
PMs? Nah, I want to use my account as is until I hoard enough courage to pay that bus ride fee.
Lately, due to virus, some reddit posts I've seen discussed the unfair aspect of not getting the covid-19, taken they'd accept the infection due to mind set, and the fact that people who actually fight and want to live - they lose, they die. Unfair.
When I scrolled past those, I was like, yeah, that makes two of us, buddy, that makes two. Only later I discovered that getting infected with it doesn't mean the death is a guarantee and depends person to person, their individual health.
So here I am, some weeks in, sick with the blasted thing, and joke's on me because I'm getting better.
Health insurance, personal doctor and asymptomatic treatments, they do the job, for me. I'm getting better. Unfair?!
Well, my pet, who would have been left behind in a rented apartment were I to prematurely, and not on my own terms via SN, die from covid, would certainly disagree.
As most of you know, covid sick are required to self-isolate (not that I felt any inquiry from government on the matter), so I guess well-being of others is somewhat on shoulders of my conscience.
But how do I get those drugs or food if I'm to stay inside? Much to my surprise, not being used to ordering such things from the web, I found a lot of pharmacies and drug stores have their delivery services. So after bugging a friend for first batch of medicine purchase, I started ordering drugs that I'm prescribed online, when I'm about to run out of specific ones. At this point with more orders on the horizon I decided to set up an account with one of the drug stores and tried to read info about stuff I'm treated with, when the idea crossed my mind to get back to that SN method research. I wanted to know if it's possible to get all the ingredients here without trouble or suspicion, with SN being the easiest out of them all. So I browsed the catalogue and found Metoclopramide, Ibuprofen, Paracetamol and other strong painkillers, added all of them to my watchlist. Antacid was the hardest choice, since the guide here isn't much help in my case on par with online drug store, so it took a lot of google research and I stuck with Famotidine, also with this forum's help. Thank you.
Further SN ingredients research.
Mood swings... Mood down.
I'm looking at that "prescription required" in Metoclopramide release info, which is also in Famotidine tab, and mood is down...
So I go back to prep another order for my covid battle, and... Mood swings...
The UP appears on the horizon, as one of my "anti-covid" drugs reads "prescription required", and then another one, also turns out as not OTC one.
Immediate stream of thoughts:
omg,
wait,
its prescription required,
but I'm sick and yes my doc prescribed them to me,
so,
but wait,
has the pharmacy checked if I have a prescription,
no,
did my doctor actually provide a written prescription with my name on it,
no,
was my friend asked for a prescription the first time he went to the store for me,
gonna ask him..., ...asked..., no,
nobody asked,
and this isn't the first time I order these drugs myself online either, omg omg omg.
Mood swings... Status: Hope.
So I add all of the covid required drugs, I add Metoclopramide alongside Famotidine, plus some vitamins and some tea and whatnot to make the list less suspicious.
For couple of days now I'm a proud owner of all the things SN method requires but SN itself. For me it's a big accomplishment. I'm not worried about getting the meta, it should be a walk in the park here.
Proud of getting my hands on means of killings myself. Yeah, those are the days. Sad.
Some time ago, when I told this one person how I felt, and that I'd use a gun had I had it in my hands, I was countered with "no you don't want to KYS, since if you did, you would've already found that gun. you don't want it that much at least. you not serious" kind of response.
This response hurt, this response made me angry about myself, made me take a note to never open up, made me want to do something about my own inaction. This response helped. I found this place(SS forum), and I've found SN method - my personal gun, my way out. I got almost all the parts for assembly now.
In reality I'm scared. The method is almost ready, I'm awaiting that crucial moment, that tipping point where I can't take it anymore and ctb. What would it be? Prolonged self-isolation without pay-check and no means to pay rent? Death of a relative/pet..? Trump re-election?) Kidding here.
I always thought I would know exactly how much I want it were I to have the method on hands. Could I pull the trigger if it were a gun? Could I ingest that cyanide and find happiness? Could I make that jump having the guarantee it would kill me and be painless? Could I take that step to tighten a noose? Could I? Would I?
When I imagined taking my life before I always imagined I'd do it somewhere in the woods. I don't want to be found in a rented place, don't want to give landlord trouble, no matter the person they are.
I'd imagine myself in the woods always in tears, because this shit is scary, always has been for me. This unknown beyond is scary.
Hell? Heaven? Nothing? Peace? Peace how? If I want to die to forget, to get rid, how can I rest in peace? I need to be erased and not rest. What is to be?
OK- I'm dead now, I'm looing at my body, cool, I'm dead, reached the goal, am at peace? Wow, brain. Thanks but no thanks.
If I'm thinking such thoughts that means I'm a ghost? Acknowledging my success of death? And by doing that it means I have the memory of all the pain from before still? Not what I died for...
Couple of months ago I started looking at death the way I would at video games. Death stopped being scary and to my amusement I was looking forward, my brain was painting exciting pictures to me. First time since forever that I managed to get a smile out of myself.
This next level is unknown to you, it's something new. Go out and explore. Freedom beyond, unknown but face it.
First time ever I became happy with thoughts of suicide. And then covid came.
Covid keeps me locked up, I'm not bored, I needed the vacation anyways. I feel well and keep getting better. But damn those bills and rent and nutrition needs and whatnot that requires finances. I'm at a crossroads. I can't really work because company won't let me until I'm covid free. But doctors say the temperature may keep jumping for some time now, that sense of smell will slowly come back over the course of 3 months, and that I'm not considered contagious to others anymore.
My company is ready to keep me away for as long as needs to be, only offering two weeks of pay taken off of my many vacation days I've collected. Potential 3 months at home with only two weeks offered. Hmm, SN, my friend, keep thinking of you more and more.
Covid helped me a lot. I was interested in SN method but was always lazy and not as enthused to research all pros and cons. Covid helped me get the meds but also keeps pushing me to that edge. I'm waiting for that final push, but also, going with the flow, hoping for that miracle pull back. Because it's too early, not according to plan.
I don't think I'll ever stop thinking of ctb, but not now, please. Have unfinished business. Don't want to become that trapped ghost, if they exist:) Just want to go and disappear, dissolve. Maybe start over, if souls have a chance at re-birth. Maybe I'll do better next time.
For now, thank you virus for the opportunity and provided courage.
To everyone else, who lost their loved ones to it, my condolences.
My general condolences to all others who want to ctb because you lost your love. No matter the size of your loss, if love is real, then pain is just as much.
I'm sorry we are here, I'm sorry you are reading this post. Thank you though. Thank you.
I'm not doing anything just yet, but I hope there's at least dnb where I'm going, when I'll do.
There's so much agony in people's posts related to our taboo topic there; asking, crying for help and guidance, getting angry for being told it's gonna be ok, telling the world off...
Those subs do not impact me in a positive way, though I am subscribed to them. I want to read what like-minded people say, and it mostly adds to the burden.
I tend to catch the title with a glimpse of an eye, or a main body of text full of dozens of FUCKs, and I become so stressed I try to scroll past them asap. They are so full of negative energy and I want to discuss suicide as something positive.
Those people don't seem to be aware of this place, this sanctuary. They don't seem to have access to this library of knowledge, but maybe I'm wrong. I want to help, but it's reddit, so replying to a post in a sub full of already negative people is a nope. I'm scared, yes.
PMs? Nah, I want to use my account as is until I hoard enough courage to pay that bus ride fee.
Lately, due to virus, some reddit posts I've seen discussed the unfair aspect of not getting the covid-19, taken they'd accept the infection due to mind set, and the fact that people who actually fight and want to live - they lose, they die. Unfair.
When I scrolled past those, I was like, yeah, that makes two of us, buddy, that makes two. Only later I discovered that getting infected with it doesn't mean the death is a guarantee and depends person to person, their individual health.
So here I am, some weeks in, sick with the blasted thing, and joke's on me because I'm getting better.
Health insurance, personal doctor and asymptomatic treatments, they do the job, for me. I'm getting better. Unfair?!
Well, my pet, who would have been left behind in a rented apartment were I to prematurely, and not on my own terms via SN, die from covid, would certainly disagree.
As most of you know, covid sick are required to self-isolate (not that I felt any inquiry from government on the matter), so I guess well-being of others is somewhat on shoulders of my conscience.
But how do I get those drugs or food if I'm to stay inside? Much to my surprise, not being used to ordering such things from the web, I found a lot of pharmacies and drug stores have their delivery services. So after bugging a friend for first batch of medicine purchase, I started ordering drugs that I'm prescribed online, when I'm about to run out of specific ones. At this point with more orders on the horizon I decided to set up an account with one of the drug stores and tried to read info about stuff I'm treated with, when the idea crossed my mind to get back to that SN method research. I wanted to know if it's possible to get all the ingredients here without trouble or suspicion, with SN being the easiest out of them all. So I browsed the catalogue and found Metoclopramide, Ibuprofen, Paracetamol and other strong painkillers, added all of them to my watchlist. Antacid was the hardest choice, since the guide here isn't much help in my case on par with online drug store, so it took a lot of google research and I stuck with Famotidine, also with this forum's help. Thank you.
Further SN ingredients research.
Mood swings... Mood down.
I'm looking at that "prescription required" in Metoclopramide release info, which is also in Famotidine tab, and mood is down...
So I go back to prep another order for my covid battle, and... Mood swings...
The UP appears on the horizon, as one of my "anti-covid" drugs reads "prescription required", and then another one, also turns out as not OTC one.
Immediate stream of thoughts:
omg,
wait,
its prescription required,
but I'm sick and yes my doc prescribed them to me,
so,
but wait,
has the pharmacy checked if I have a prescription,
no,
did my doctor actually provide a written prescription with my name on it,
no,
was my friend asked for a prescription the first time he went to the store for me,
gonna ask him..., ...asked..., no,
nobody asked,
and this isn't the first time I order these drugs myself online either, omg omg omg.
Mood swings... Status: Hope.
So I add all of the covid required drugs, I add Metoclopramide alongside Famotidine, plus some vitamins and some tea and whatnot to make the list less suspicious.
For couple of days now I'm a proud owner of all the things SN method requires but SN itself. For me it's a big accomplishment. I'm not worried about getting the meta, it should be a walk in the park here.
Proud of getting my hands on means of killings myself. Yeah, those are the days. Sad.
Some time ago, when I told this one person how I felt, and that I'd use a gun had I had it in my hands, I was countered with "no you don't want to KYS, since if you did, you would've already found that gun. you don't want it that much at least. you not serious" kind of response.
This response hurt, this response made me angry about myself, made me take a note to never open up, made me want to do something about my own inaction. This response helped. I found this place(SS forum), and I've found SN method - my personal gun, my way out. I got almost all the parts for assembly now.
In reality I'm scared. The method is almost ready, I'm awaiting that crucial moment, that tipping point where I can't take it anymore and ctb. What would it be? Prolonged self-isolation without pay-check and no means to pay rent? Death of a relative/pet..? Trump re-election?) Kidding here.
I always thought I would know exactly how much I want it were I to have the method on hands. Could I pull the trigger if it were a gun? Could I ingest that cyanide and find happiness? Could I make that jump having the guarantee it would kill me and be painless? Could I take that step to tighten a noose? Could I? Would I?
When I imagined taking my life before I always imagined I'd do it somewhere in the woods. I don't want to be found in a rented place, don't want to give landlord trouble, no matter the person they are.
I'd imagine myself in the woods always in tears, because this shit is scary, always has been for me. This unknown beyond is scary.
Hell? Heaven? Nothing? Peace? Peace how? If I want to die to forget, to get rid, how can I rest in peace? I need to be erased and not rest. What is to be?
OK- I'm dead now, I'm looing at my body, cool, I'm dead, reached the goal, am at peace? Wow, brain. Thanks but no thanks.
If I'm thinking such thoughts that means I'm a ghost? Acknowledging my success of death? And by doing that it means I have the memory of all the pain from before still? Not what I died for...
Couple of months ago I started looking at death the way I would at video games. Death stopped being scary and to my amusement I was looking forward, my brain was painting exciting pictures to me. First time since forever that I managed to get a smile out of myself.
This next level is unknown to you, it's something new. Go out and explore. Freedom beyond, unknown but face it.
First time ever I became happy with thoughts of suicide. And then covid came.
Covid keeps me locked up, I'm not bored, I needed the vacation anyways. I feel well and keep getting better. But damn those bills and rent and nutrition needs and whatnot that requires finances. I'm at a crossroads. I can't really work because company won't let me until I'm covid free. But doctors say the temperature may keep jumping for some time now, that sense of smell will slowly come back over the course of 3 months, and that I'm not considered contagious to others anymore.
My company is ready to keep me away for as long as needs to be, only offering two weeks of pay taken off of my many vacation days I've collected. Potential 3 months at home with only two weeks offered. Hmm, SN, my friend, keep thinking of you more and more.
Covid helped me a lot. I was interested in SN method but was always lazy and not as enthused to research all pros and cons. Covid helped me get the meds but also keeps pushing me to that edge. I'm waiting for that final push, but also, going with the flow, hoping for that miracle pull back. Because it's too early, not according to plan.
I don't think I'll ever stop thinking of ctb, but not now, please. Have unfinished business. Don't want to become that trapped ghost, if they exist:) Just want to go and disappear, dissolve. Maybe start over, if souls have a chance at re-birth. Maybe I'll do better next time.
For now, thank you virus for the opportunity and provided courage.
To everyone else, who lost their loved ones to it, my condolences.
My general condolences to all others who want to ctb because you lost your love. No matter the size of your loss, if love is real, then pain is just as much.
I'm sorry we are here, I'm sorry you are reading this post. Thank you though. Thank you.
I'm not doing anything just yet, but I hope there's at least dnb where I'm going, when I'll do.
