Discussion How Cognitive Dissonance May Justify "Corrective" Child Abuse to the Abuser

[GoodPersonEffed]

First of all, cognitive dissonance researchers have found that when people hurt and abuse others, they defend themselves against the painful recognition that what they have done is wrong and that it calls into question their image of themselves as good. They come up with all kinds of rationalizations for themselves as agents of justice and their victims as having deserved what they got. Thusly, parents who punitively hit, and thereby hurt, their children, justify that the children had it coming to them and that the pain was for their own good. Furthermore, the research has shown that a vicious cycle gets enacted. The more people hurt others, the more they vilify their victims in order to maintain their own self-justification and the more they are resistant to evidence that what they have done is wrong.

Spoiler: May trigger - Experiences of disciplinary abuse

I can remember beatings (spankings with objects) as far back as three, but likely earlier. They were punishments for any infraction, but most often for arguing with my mother because I didn't accept her irrational reasoning for not allowing me to do things outside the house with other people. I was outgoing, an only child, and bored, and she had weird issues about keeping me isolated that to this day make no sense. The beatings became ritualistic in nature in grade school, and lasted until I was 17 and worked up the nerve to ask her to stop -- I thought she was going to severely assault me for asking, and 2-3 weeks later, she did end up beating me one last time before stopping. I conservatively estimate I was beaten a minimum of 120 times, approximately once a month, with a wooden spoon from ages 7-17. I didn't realize until I was 16, and a nurse asked to see, that my ass was covered in spoon-shaped bruises. Only twice did my father ever use corporal punishment on me, with a belt (and it hurt way less), because my mother pushed him to because I had stolen something and he was a cop. He hated being involved in my punishment, only resented me for being the supposed cause of it. He was hardly ever present for it because my mother acted in rage and he was usually at work, she just told him when he got home. She would say that the beatings couldn't wait until he got home, it had to be immediate or I wouldn't learn. That was a dumbass move on her part. I might have actually remembered why I was beaten if I'd had time to wait and think about it. He was much more laid back with me, would say yes when I asked to go somewhere, and I would try to leave the house before my mother found out and overrode it, which of course she reacted to with more anger, and with bizarre accusations that I was trying to come between my parents and split them up.

The quoted paragraph describes my mother to a T, as well as my father her enabler. Up until they stopped speaking to me several years ago, he still said it (the history of ritualized beatings) wasn't that bad and to just get over it. I have never been able to get over it, only to heal in stages, but never fully. We are estranged because I refuse to let it go, and ultimately demanded they take responsibility for physical and psychological damage caused by the abuse. I even included the above in the defense of my reasoning to try to help them understand why the abuse happened and got progressively worse over the years. It definitely did not get through to them, they shunned me (ultimately a favor), but it helped the abuse/"discipline" make sense for me. Maybe it will help someone else here as well.

I will never not be vilified by my parents, because it would shake the foundations of how they view themselves, and they possess neither the inner strength nor the desire to see themselves differently or to change.

Spoiler: Quote Source

The Relevance of Cognitive Dissonance Theory to the Movement to Ban Corporal Punishment

Project NoSpank is the Web presence of Parents and Teachers against Violence in Education, PTAVE, a nonprofit organization advocating for the fundamental right of all children to grow and learn in environments that are without violence and for their legal protection against assault and...

www.nospank.net

 

[rebelsue]

First of all, cognitive dissonance researchers have found that when people hurt and abuse others, they defend themselves against the painful recognition that what they have done is wrong and that it calls into question their image of themselves as good. They come up with all kinds of rationalizations for themselves as agents of justice and their victims as having deserved what they got. Thusly, parents who punitively hit, and thereby hurt, their children, justify that the children had it coming to them and that the pain was for their own good. Furthermore, the research has shown that a vicious cycle gets enacted. The more people hurt others, the more they vilify their victims in order to maintain their own self-justification and the more they are resistant to evidence that what they have done is wrong.

Spoiler: May trigger - Experiences of disciplinary abuse

I can remember beatings (spankings with objects) as far back as three, but likely earlier. They were punishments for any infraction, but most often for arguing with my mother because I didn't accept her irrational reasoning for not allowing me to do things outside the house with other people. I was outgoing, an only child, and bored, and she had weird issues about keeping me isolated that to this day make no sense. The beatings became ritualistic in nature in grade school, and lasted until I was 17 and worked up the nerve to ask her to stop -- I thought she was going to severely assault me for asking, and 2-3 weeks later, she did end up beating me one last time before stopping. I conservatively estimate I was beaten a minimum of 120 times, approximately once a month, with a wooden spoon from ages 7-17. I didn't realize until I was 16, and a nurse asked to see, that my ass was covered in spoon-shaped bruises. Only twice did my father ever use corporal punishment on me, with a belt (and it hurt way less), because my mother pushed him to because I had stolen something and he was a cop. He hated being involved in my punishment, only resented me for being the supposed cause of it. He was hardly ever present for it because my mother acted in rage and he was usually at work, she just told him when he got home. She would say that the beatings couldn't wait until he got home, it had to be immediate or I wouldn't learn. That was a dumbass move on her part. I might have actually remembered why I was beaten if I'd had time to wait and think about it. He was much more laid back with me, would say yes when I asked to go somewhere, and I would try to leave the house before my mother found out and overrode it, which of course she reacted to with more anger, and with bizarre accusations that I was trying to come between my parents and split them up.

The quoted paragraph describes my mother to a T, as well as my father her enabler. Up until they stopped speaking to me several years ago, he still said it (the history of ritualized beatings) wasn't that bad and to just get over it. I have never been able to get over it, only to heal in stages, but never fully. We are estranged because I refuse to let it go, and ultimately demanded they take responsibility for physical and psychological damage caused by the abuse. I even included the above in the defense of my reasoning to try to help them understand why the abuse happened and got progressively worse over the years. It definitely did not get through to them, they shunned me (ultimately a favor), but it helped the abuse/"discipline" make sense for me. Maybe it will help someone else here as well.

I will never not be vilified by my parents, because it would shake the foundations of how they view themselves, and they possess neither the inner strength nor the desire to see themselves differently or to change.

Spoiler: Quote Source

The Relevance of Cognitive Dissonance Theory to the Movement to Ban Corporal Punishment

Project NoSpank is the Web presence of Parents and Teachers against Violence in Education, PTAVE, a nonprofit organization advocating for the fundamental right of all children to grow and learn in environments that are without violence and for their legal protection against assault and...

www.nospank.net

This is my family, too! Except my dad was the abuser role and my mom was the enabler role. Both of them have cut me off because I asked them to take responsibility for what they did and they just downplayed and gaslighted me in the same ways your parents did -- It wasn't that bad, you're remembering it wrong, that never happened, etc. They say I can't let go of the past. That's probably true, because the past has not let go of me. My life was essentially destroyed by how they raised me. I didn't have a fighting chance at happiness because of them. And this...I can't say it any better than you did..."I will never not be vilified by my parents, because it would shake the foundations of how they view themselves, and they possess neither the inner strength nor the desire to see themselves differently or to change." Basically, that. 100%

 

[Life sucks]

Humans will always justify how they hurt each other. Cognitive dissonance is used for many things in their lives including life itself. They won't question life because that would lead to contradictions and hurt their minds and themselves. Life is the root and if they deal with it like this, they'll deal with much more problems in similar way. Its similar to how some people ignore how life is shitty and prolife to make themselves feel good.

I think I can relate to your story although mine is different but it was full of spankings. I wrote about it in the forum previously and you can talk with me if you want.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Humans will always justify how they hurt each other. Cognitive dissonance is used for many things in their lives including life itself. They won't question life because that would lead to contradictions and hurt their minds and themselves.

Not all humans, though. It takes a lot of courage and strength to face reality and battle through the temptations of cognitive dissonance, whether in facing the realities of life itself or having been harmful to others, and there are humans who do have that courage and strength. I believe it hurts far more to not face truth, a deeper hurt that's hidden and cushioned by acceptance of patently false stories, although it takes some kind of internal or external foundation to be able to do so. My mom, for instance, has a story that she had a great, happy childhood, and overlooks the domestic violence she grew up in, believing her dad was such a great guy at the cost of recognizing, even after he quit alcohol and the physical abuse of her mother, that he was still controlling and sometimes downright irrationally shitty, that his warmth and lovingness, and undying love for the wife who passed, were not his total true nature but just more unbalanced extremes. It's interesting that my parents demanded such integrity of me, and yet do not themselves have it. It's interesting that my dad was a cop and protected a whole city, but did not think me worthy or even in need of protection.

Anyhow, not meaning to negate you. Your comment sparked deeper reflection about the topics of this thread.

 

[Life sucks]

Not all humans, though. It takes a lot of courage and strength to face reality and battle through the temptations of cognitive dissonance, whether in facing the realities of life itself or having been harmful to others, and there are humans who do have that courage and strength. I believe it hurts far more to not face truth, a deeper hurt that's hidden and cushioned by acceptance of patently false stories, although it takes some kind of internal or external foundation to be able to do so. My mom, for instance, has a story that she had a great, happy childhood, and overlooks the domestic violence she grew up in, believing her dad was such a great guy at the cost of recognizing, even after he quit alcohol and the physical abuse of her mother, that he was still controlling and sometimes downright irrationally shitty, that his warmth and lovingness, and undying love for the wife who passed, were not his total true nature but just more unbalanced extremes. It's interesting that my parents demanded such integrity of me, and yet do not themselves have it. It's interesting that my dad was a cop and protected a whole city, but did not think me worthy or even in need of protection.

Anyhow, not meaning to negate you. Your comment sparked deeper reflection about the topics of this thread.

What I meant is the logical conclusion because anyone wants to avoid the cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is having two contradictory statements. For example, hitting is ok vs hitting is not ok. If one is having conflicting thoughts, that state would be cognitive dissonance which both sides would try to avoid as it hurts and damage their mind and psychology. For abusers, they will choose the former and eliminate the latter which would make them abuse more and more fearing cognitive dissonance which can hurt. For some other people, they would try to not hit at all because its wrong and whenever they try to hurt others, they'll try to avoid it more. Resolving cognitive dissonance requires courage but it can be both ways. In the first case, someone hitting but then facing their wrongs and the cognitive dissonance which makes them not hit at all. But in the second case, someone who doesn't hit others suddenly trying to hit and hurt others and completely changing their behavior. Both cases resolved the dissonance but in different directions so thats why if someone hits, apologizing or keeping the same situation are both "logical" justifications.

To describe it easily. Imagine having two bulbs and the switches can hurt you in some way but whenever you put your hand, both bulbs works.
1-If both bulbs aren't switched on, one would get hurt (cognitive dissonance) because of the darkness.
2-If someone put their hand and keep it on the switch, both bulbs would be switched on and they'll get extra light but it would hurt until they remove their hand(cognitive dissonance).
3-If either one is turned on and one wants to change, they'll put their hand and get hurt, maybe they are indecesive and having #2 for a longer time but then maybe they'll have a decision, either keeping their current bulb on or switching it off and turning the other one.

But in those cases we are not considering other factors that may hurt, but only describing the logical process of only one cognitive dissonance. That was just an example and I hope it was clear.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

they just downplayed and gaslighted me in the same ways your parents did -- It wasn't that bad, you're remembering it wrong, that never happened, etc. They say I can't let go of the past. That's probably true, because the past has not let go of me.

Yeah, I have flashbacks because it wasn't that bad and it's so easy to get over. Probably my fault as well that the flashbacks come up totally unbidden, because I'm such a drama queen.

The past has not let go of me, either.

I have a combination of compassion for my parents, still being hurt and angry, and sometimes fantasizing about how I could fuck up their supportive relationships with the truth of the abuse and blabbing how they publicly lie, after shunning me, that we still have a relationship. It's comforting that I have that kind of power, along with the knowledge that, unlike them, I am cognizant of my power and the harm it would cause them.

Perhaps surprisingly, only a few times in my life have I been physically harmful to others, and it's comforting that I didn't like it, and choose to do all I can to refrain from such actions. I forgive myself for those few times I crossed the line, I understand why I did, but I don't excuse it. I faced myself. I didn't preemptively forgive myself by making victims responsible for my actions. I felt a lot of guilt before I could look at those situations with objectivity and self-compassion.

Everyone crosses lines in some way, it's human, but returning to those lines and continuing to cross them is a problem. My mother had that problem. The more someone crosses a line, the less able they are to see clearly that it is a line.