I am holding on to a desperate hope that my relationship with my ex will be revived, as it truly made life worth enduring.
In the meantime I'm taking antidepressants, benzos and always having music on to get through the day without being torn apart by negative thoughts/self-blame.
I've progressively been withdrawing from anything that can keep me around - dropping off uni next semester, maybe quit my job/training and do something freelance/non-commital.
So all in all I truly hope I am close, but I've certainly felt much closer before and haven't done it (I don't even have failed attempts, I'm pretty sure I'll succeed the first time). But even this - "getting on the bus" - somehow feels out of my control, like most anything else in life, which is a pitiful and degrading realization...