I wanted to post something more positive. But I stopped to post this thread in recovery because my mood is not that good and otherwise it would feel shallow and fake.
I think I am an utterly broken person. I can remember I had a conversation with my (not that bright) sister. We talked about the abuse in our childhood and she said to me other people would be broken after that. Well I told my sister about my suicidality prior to that and she was not that empathetic. It is obvious I am a broken person.
Here is my definition of it. People who just cannot cope with what has happened to them. Often a traumata, abuse, violence, grief etc. And I am a very severe case. Why are these people broken? For example they obsessively think about suicide and do it eventually. They lose their sanity. (partly it fits to me. I had psychosis. But I am still very self-aware.) They are obsessed by the past and cannot let their pain go. They become insular and self-absorbed. They just cannot cope with it anymore - many give up (not already at least in my case). They become homeless, take drugs, cannot hold a job. They become bitter and resentful.
I think the society does not treat these people with respect. I once was in an unemployment agency and talked to staff. It is so fucking cynical how they look down at such people. I will kill myself when that time comes. I won't let them spit in my face - not even metaphorically. The woman there explained that many of their clients cannot leave their beds (a sign for depression) or that they are slightly puzzled (after a traumatic blow of fate). Still she had no empathy with them - she was so disgusting to them.
I met other broken people. There was a guy in a clinic. He was in a lot of pain. His girlfriend committed suicide 20-30 years ago. And it destroyed him. He struggled daily with the aftermath. (Similar to my relation to the child abuse.) He was kind of insane. Not psychotic but he behaved very weird. I think he abused drugs. He was a mess. Similar to me (not the drugs). The difference is he was not suicidal. I would have killed myself in his position years ago. So I had kind of respect for him. He was daily in a lot of pain. There was another youtuber I watched. He was bipolar an extreme case. It was the aftermath of bullying and abuse. Tried a couple of times to kill himself. In the end he was determined to live despite everything. I kind of admired his strength. I don't know what happened to him. But I think his love for animals gave him meaning in life.
So these two people are examples for me how one can live despite being broken. However I don't think I am one of them.
Personally I feel more like the David Foster Wallace types. I am just so obsessed by suicide. There is a saying I think. Something like: suicide does not just happen accidentally to a person. (usually) The people do not wake up one day and think why not killing myself today? It is rather a long process. The people wake up every single day with these thoughts. They ruminate so much about it. They despair they weigh the pros and cons on a daily basis. And one day they just decide now is my limit reached I cannot cope with this shit anymore. Personally I think it will be similar in my case.
I try to recover in a systemical way. I reached out to professionals couple of times. Tried so much medication and therapy. I improved yes. Though I think I have some clear losing conditions. And I think I will reach them inevitably in the future. Bipolar is an illness that proceeds in cycles. I won't survive that pain. I am pretty determined to kill me when this insane pain returns. My therapists gave me up because they think poverty (not able to hold a job) will drive me over the edge. I think they are right. My life quality is already horrible. Lack of money would decrease it even further.
I think when my parents die (especially my mom) so will I. I think I will kill myself soon after they died. I hope I can postpone hell breaks lose till that day. But this is unlikely. David Foster Wallace also broke. He was in a lot of pain for a very long time. He tried a lot of things to escape his fate. I am pretty much the same. I would like to avoid suicide. I tried a lot for that. But the game is just rigged against me. My resilience is a joke. My attempts to recover are so desperate and barely have prospects to work eventually.
I try to postpone it as long as I can. Also to protect my family of that pain. But we are in real trouble and I am the only one in my family who is aware of that. The others live in a dream world. Well ignorance is a bliss.
But to the core question of the thread. I think one can only try as good as possible. Here are some approaches to live despite being broken. I cannot promise that they work but they might ease the pain a little bit:
Psychotherapy, medication, a meaningful job, hobbies, social interactions, a significant other, some principles to live for, a personal philosophy, ethical standards, love for animals, love for the nature, love for oneself, feeling good in one's own body, a balanced live, a good work-life balance, a support network, having a community where one feels good,. sharing your pain with others, eating your favorite food, being good to yourself, rewarding yourself, sleeping enough but not too much, finding meaning in art, having role models, reaching out for help, sports and fitness etc.
Do you have some ideas or advices?
I think I am an utterly broken person. I can remember I had a conversation with my (not that bright) sister. We talked about the abuse in our childhood and she said to me other people would be broken after that. Well I told my sister about my suicidality prior to that and she was not that empathetic. It is obvious I am a broken person.
Here is my definition of it. People who just cannot cope with what has happened to them. Often a traumata, abuse, violence, grief etc. And I am a very severe case. Why are these people broken? For example they obsessively think about suicide and do it eventually. They lose their sanity. (partly it fits to me. I had psychosis. But I am still very self-aware.) They are obsessed by the past and cannot let their pain go. They become insular and self-absorbed. They just cannot cope with it anymore - many give up (not already at least in my case). They become homeless, take drugs, cannot hold a job. They become bitter and resentful.
I think the society does not treat these people with respect. I once was in an unemployment agency and talked to staff. It is so fucking cynical how they look down at such people. I will kill myself when that time comes. I won't let them spit in my face - not even metaphorically. The woman there explained that many of their clients cannot leave their beds (a sign for depression) or that they are slightly puzzled (after a traumatic blow of fate). Still she had no empathy with them - she was so disgusting to them.
I met other broken people. There was a guy in a clinic. He was in a lot of pain. His girlfriend committed suicide 20-30 years ago. And it destroyed him. He struggled daily with the aftermath. (Similar to my relation to the child abuse.) He was kind of insane. Not psychotic but he behaved very weird. I think he abused drugs. He was a mess. Similar to me (not the drugs). The difference is he was not suicidal. I would have killed myself in his position years ago. So I had kind of respect for him. He was daily in a lot of pain. There was another youtuber I watched. He was bipolar an extreme case. It was the aftermath of bullying and abuse. Tried a couple of times to kill himself. In the end he was determined to live despite everything. I kind of admired his strength. I don't know what happened to him. But I think his love for animals gave him meaning in life.
So these two people are examples for me how one can live despite being broken. However I don't think I am one of them.
Personally I feel more like the David Foster Wallace types. I am just so obsessed by suicide. There is a saying I think. Something like: suicide does not just happen accidentally to a person. (usually) The people do not wake up one day and think why not killing myself today? It is rather a long process. The people wake up every single day with these thoughts. They ruminate so much about it. They despair they weigh the pros and cons on a daily basis. And one day they just decide now is my limit reached I cannot cope with this shit anymore. Personally I think it will be similar in my case.
I try to recover in a systemical way. I reached out to professionals couple of times. Tried so much medication and therapy. I improved yes. Though I think I have some clear losing conditions. And I think I will reach them inevitably in the future. Bipolar is an illness that proceeds in cycles. I won't survive that pain. I am pretty determined to kill me when this insane pain returns. My therapists gave me up because they think poverty (not able to hold a job) will drive me over the edge. I think they are right. My life quality is already horrible. Lack of money would decrease it even further.
I think when my parents die (especially my mom) so will I. I think I will kill myself soon after they died. I hope I can postpone hell breaks lose till that day. But this is unlikely. David Foster Wallace also broke. He was in a lot of pain for a very long time. He tried a lot of things to escape his fate. I am pretty much the same. I would like to avoid suicide. I tried a lot for that. But the game is just rigged against me. My resilience is a joke. My attempts to recover are so desperate and barely have prospects to work eventually.
I try to postpone it as long as I can. Also to protect my family of that pain. But we are in real trouble and I am the only one in my family who is aware of that. The others live in a dream world. Well ignorance is a bliss.
But to the core question of the thread. I think one can only try as good as possible. Here are some approaches to live despite being broken. I cannot promise that they work but they might ease the pain a little bit:
Psychotherapy, medication, a meaningful job, hobbies, social interactions, a significant other, some principles to live for, a personal philosophy, ethical standards, love for animals, love for the nature, love for oneself, feeling good in one's own body, a balanced live, a good work-life balance, a support network, having a community where one feels good,. sharing your pain with others, eating your favorite food, being good to yourself, rewarding yourself, sleeping enough but not too much, finding meaning in art, having role models, reaching out for help, sports and fitness etc.
Do you have some ideas or advices?
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