I think it is difficult. I have some good friends though maybe that was only luck. I don't want to sound arrogant but maybe my experiences could help other people to judge whether another person might be a good friend.
I am not sure whether it was purely luck to find good people. I am not very good at social interactions so maybe I overestimate my skills.
It is probably difficult to find people in the first place. I was forced to interact with other people in school and college.
The first best friend I had bullied me years later. I am not sure but this experience might was a lesson for me. We knew us since early childhood but in puberty he turned against me. The second best friend (the relation was less close) was sometimes opportunistic. He sometimes turned against me. I felt betrayed. So I did the same with him. After a certain event he was bullied severely at school. I tried to defend him at first but due to the fact he sometimes betrayed me I beytrayed him. This was probably one of the most immoral things I did. I was bullied a lot during that time and if I defended himself more actively I would have become another easy target too. I already was one.
Then I changed the class and had more contact with my current best friend. I doubt we will lose contact as long as I live. Our bond of friendship is pretty deep. I think the two experiences with the other former best friends helped me to interact with him. We were both kind of outcasts at that time. We had the same hobbies and could talk a lot about it. We had the same humor. Sometimes we phoned for several hours. It is ironic we already knew each other way earlier. I found him annoying and we did not like each other at first. At this time I still was friend with the fucking son of a bitch who bullied me later. Then some years I spend more time with my current best friend. We met each other at lunch. We were often lonely and sociallly not well accepted. But we had for sure a lot of fun. When people bullied me he defended me. And when people mocked him I defended him. I could really trust in him in contrast to my other two former friends.
It is a complicated story and I try to sum it up. We came in contact with other people. Soon we became a group. We talked a lot about video games, politics etc. We always tried to find honest and genuinely good people.
Though there were some conflicts. I sometimes behaved like a dick and made edgy jokes. I think my abuse/education was a reason for that but maybe this is only an excuse. I offended some of the people in the group. But when it really endangered our friendship I realized I am just behaving like an asshole. I apologized to them and changed my behavior. If I did not do that then I probably had lost some of my friends. It was good that I recognized it was fully my own fault.
Another story. We had some people in our group who one could not fully rely on. There was an argument between my best friend and another group member. We sometimes teased each other. But it escalated fully. I had to decide which friend I should support. We bascially split up. I decided for my best friend. My best friend was less popular, sometimes the butt of the joke of other people and socially less accepted. But I could deeply trust in him. Other people of the group made jokes about him when he was not around. They were opportunistic. But I always resisted that. And he never talked badly about me behind my back. It was an extremely good decision to keep the friendship with him. The other guy later betrayed a very close friend of him in order to fuck his girlfriend.
Soon later I was manic at that time and really ill. I had the idea I would not need my friends anymore. They would make it more difficult to achieve my career goal. Honestly I was very ill at that time. I felt so lonely, at the same time I wanted less contact with my friends to reach career goals and thought shit like I need new friends. Later I explained everything to my best friends. I was fully transparent without any hesitation. Even when it did not look good. Gladly I had decided for the right friends and they kept supporting me during my first major depression. I told them about my abuse, suicidality and most inner feelings. When I explained my abuse one of them cracked a stupid joke. It was pretty out of place. But he was overwhelmed by the situation. I was not that much offened and I always tried to be forgiving and not resentful towards them because I know we love each other and they are genuinely good people.
Our friendship became closer due to my breakdown. We told each other very intimidate secrets.
The best friends I have have certain traits: Do-gooders, engaged in social justice, for animal rights, for human rights, for trans rights, very helpful people, support for minorities and other vulnerable people. They don't give a fuck about career goals.
I might be sometimes overreacting but I also ended some friendships a little bit abruptly. I do this with some human connections in general but not with my best friends. When people made stupid jokes about my illness I was annoyed. They were not intended to be mean but some people had stereotypes on mental illness. When some friends bragged about partnerships, sex or money I started to ignore these people. It hurt me too much because I was full of misery and had the the desire for a partner or I was (and still am) deeply desperate on money issues.
I could extend this thread even way more. For me one of the best indicators whether another person is a good friend was the question whether they are genuinely good people. Are they sincere, trustworthy and honest? I also tried to avoid people with dangerous patterns of behaviors. I was very sceptical about people who took drugs. Many people start with drugs because of peer pressure and I was always scared to adapt dangerous behaviors when I had too much contact with them.
For me I had the best experience with people who had a lot of humanistic values. Though I have an acquaintance I am not sure how to handle him. I posted threads about him. He has a disgusting world view. He hates certain minorities and behaves in my point of view deeply immoral. But I think he basically does not hurt anyone directly he is rather a very passive online troll. Towards me he is a friendly person and I think a trustworthy one. My other friends are shocked about his statements and wonder how I can accept his behavior. I am shocked too but we were abused as children. And I can somehow understand why he turned out this way. I cannot call him a friend. I try to emphasize why I find some stances of him digusting. I try to make him think but he is pretty extreme. Currently we have a lot of arguments. He has radicalized even further. I cannot reach him anymore with logic. Not sure what to do about him.
I make way too long threads currently. But I also have don't much ideas. I don't think this thread is very helpful but it was kind of relieving to write on this topic. Honestly I could write so much on this topic. There are so many nuances and stories. I am just sad that my friends have to deal with my suicide when I kill myself. Two of them know my exact plans. The last time when I was acute suicidal they wanted kind of to stop me. They did not threaten me to call my mom or something like but they expressed concerns. Not sure whether I will tell them the details when my life forces me to kill myself. I think I will spare them some details. But I am not certain about it. I feel truely sorry for them.
Have you advices to judge whether someone is potentially a good friend?
I am not sure whether it was purely luck to find good people. I am not very good at social interactions so maybe I overestimate my skills.
It is probably difficult to find people in the first place. I was forced to interact with other people in school and college.
The first best friend I had bullied me years later. I am not sure but this experience might was a lesson for me. We knew us since early childhood but in puberty he turned against me. The second best friend (the relation was less close) was sometimes opportunistic. He sometimes turned against me. I felt betrayed. So I did the same with him. After a certain event he was bullied severely at school. I tried to defend him at first but due to the fact he sometimes betrayed me I beytrayed him. This was probably one of the most immoral things I did. I was bullied a lot during that time and if I defended himself more actively I would have become another easy target too. I already was one.
Then I changed the class and had more contact with my current best friend. I doubt we will lose contact as long as I live. Our bond of friendship is pretty deep. I think the two experiences with the other former best friends helped me to interact with him. We were both kind of outcasts at that time. We had the same hobbies and could talk a lot about it. We had the same humor. Sometimes we phoned for several hours. It is ironic we already knew each other way earlier. I found him annoying and we did not like each other at first. At this time I still was friend with the fucking son of a bitch who bullied me later. Then some years I spend more time with my current best friend. We met each other at lunch. We were often lonely and sociallly not well accepted. But we had for sure a lot of fun. When people bullied me he defended me. And when people mocked him I defended him. I could really trust in him in contrast to my other two former friends.
It is a complicated story and I try to sum it up. We came in contact with other people. Soon we became a group. We talked a lot about video games, politics etc. We always tried to find honest and genuinely good people.
Though there were some conflicts. I sometimes behaved like a dick and made edgy jokes. I think my abuse/education was a reason for that but maybe this is only an excuse. I offended some of the people in the group. But when it really endangered our friendship I realized I am just behaving like an asshole. I apologized to them and changed my behavior. If I did not do that then I probably had lost some of my friends. It was good that I recognized it was fully my own fault.
Another story. We had some people in our group who one could not fully rely on. There was an argument between my best friend and another group member. We sometimes teased each other. But it escalated fully. I had to decide which friend I should support. We bascially split up. I decided for my best friend. My best friend was less popular, sometimes the butt of the joke of other people and socially less accepted. But I could deeply trust in him. Other people of the group made jokes about him when he was not around. They were opportunistic. But I always resisted that. And he never talked badly about me behind my back. It was an extremely good decision to keep the friendship with him. The other guy later betrayed a very close friend of him in order to fuck his girlfriend.
Soon later I was manic at that time and really ill. I had the idea I would not need my friends anymore. They would make it more difficult to achieve my career goal. Honestly I was very ill at that time. I felt so lonely, at the same time I wanted less contact with my friends to reach career goals and thought shit like I need new friends. Later I explained everything to my best friends. I was fully transparent without any hesitation. Even when it did not look good. Gladly I had decided for the right friends and they kept supporting me during my first major depression. I told them about my abuse, suicidality and most inner feelings. When I explained my abuse one of them cracked a stupid joke. It was pretty out of place. But he was overwhelmed by the situation. I was not that much offened and I always tried to be forgiving and not resentful towards them because I know we love each other and they are genuinely good people.
Our friendship became closer due to my breakdown. We told each other very intimidate secrets.
The best friends I have have certain traits: Do-gooders, engaged in social justice, for animal rights, for human rights, for trans rights, very helpful people, support for minorities and other vulnerable people. They don't give a fuck about career goals.
I might be sometimes overreacting but I also ended some friendships a little bit abruptly. I do this with some human connections in general but not with my best friends. When people made stupid jokes about my illness I was annoyed. They were not intended to be mean but some people had stereotypes on mental illness. When some friends bragged about partnerships, sex or money I started to ignore these people. It hurt me too much because I was full of misery and had the the desire for a partner or I was (and still am) deeply desperate on money issues.
I could extend this thread even way more. For me one of the best indicators whether another person is a good friend was the question whether they are genuinely good people. Are they sincere, trustworthy and honest? I also tried to avoid people with dangerous patterns of behaviors. I was very sceptical about people who took drugs. Many people start with drugs because of peer pressure and I was always scared to adapt dangerous behaviors when I had too much contact with them.
For me I had the best experience with people who had a lot of humanistic values. Though I have an acquaintance I am not sure how to handle him. I posted threads about him. He has a disgusting world view. He hates certain minorities and behaves in my point of view deeply immoral. But I think he basically does not hurt anyone directly he is rather a very passive online troll. Towards me he is a friendly person and I think a trustworthy one. My other friends are shocked about his statements and wonder how I can accept his behavior. I am shocked too but we were abused as children. And I can somehow understand why he turned out this way. I cannot call him a friend. I try to emphasize why I find some stances of him digusting. I try to make him think but he is pretty extreme. Currently we have a lot of arguments. He has radicalized even further. I cannot reach him anymore with logic. Not sure what to do about him.
I make way too long threads currently. But I also have don't much ideas. I don't think this thread is very helpful but it was kind of relieving to write on this topic. Honestly I could write so much on this topic. There are so many nuances and stories. I am just sad that my friends have to deal with my suicide when I kill myself. Two of them know my exact plans. The last time when I was acute suicidal they wanted kind of to stop me. They did not threaten me to call my mom or something like but they expressed concerns. Not sure whether I will tell them the details when my life forces me to kill myself. I think I will spare them some details. But I am not certain about it. I feel truely sorry for them.
Have you advices to judge whether someone is potentially a good friend?
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