Help How can one find a path if they are totally on their own?

[Everybody_yells]

I have been here for about a year I guess, but its my first time posting in the recovery section. Not because I have the strength to go down that path, but because I am at the verge of ctb, very soon and.... I am exhausting all my options before I hang myself.

As the title says, is it possible to find your way all on your own? Because that is all I have been recently.
Had to cut ties with my narcissistic family, including my logtime mind-keeper brother.
Ex dumped me beginning of last year because she couldn't bare me anymore.
People whom I thought were friends, did not consider me the same way and I feel clingy now for having thought that way.
Of the last 2 or 3 close friends I got, I try distancing myself from them because I have already burdened them with my helplessnes multiple times.
My final resort was to seek a therapist because I felt I cannot do it on my own. But that does not seem to be going well either.

I am a 27M, and I am horribly skinny due to my eating disorder and also thanks to my current work shifts.
I am financially unstable with my family ties broken and my current meaningless job. ( I am seeking help from a counselor for this one, for now)
I am totally alone with the above mentioned reasons, in my own room.
I don't have any hobbies or any other distractions whatsoever to keep me distracted from spiraling down.

I was into alcohol and smoking for sometime now, but I have eventually realized that it is not going to solve the problems I am in, rather numb my pain. And after the hangover, the pain simply multiplies and makes me even more horrible.
So its either I need to end this, or start new. Either way I don't think I can go any further like this. Not any longer. !

Would you recommend any books, podcasts,online or offline documents (whatever resources) you seem fit, for someone as lost as myself to find my way back to my "self"? I am not talking of mindfulness or any meditation kind of thingy. I just don't know where to go from here. I am hoping I am making sense, apologize if I am not, because I tend to not convey my ideas correctly. But I can comment on any bit, if you feel like it needs clarification or something.

Thanks,
S

 

[Velvet Fortress]

Would you recommend any books, podcasts,online or offline documents (whatever resources) you seem fit, for someone as lost as myself to find my way back to my "self"?

I personally have been down that rabbit hole for years. Trust me, as much as self-help has valuable things to offer, using it as a way to get out of such a deep state of depression is like telling a drowned engine to get their shit together. I've read and watched all the gurus, learned about psychology and philosophy, tried all the methods you can imagine. And I'm still wholeheartedly screwed.

I'm not saying not to do it. At the end of the day, self-help can and will give you value, but it's not going not going to fix all your problems because there is no one size fits all method towards recovery. It's not going to solve your serotonin imbalance. It's only going to partially challenge your dysfunctional beliefs. It's not going to help you achieve emotional catharsis. It may motivate you to go to the gym for a month or two, but your problems will likely come back to bite you in the ass.

Here is my recommendation: depending on where you live, exhaust all the possible public-sponsored resources that you can find. See social workers. Get an appointment with a professional if possible. Look for charities. JOIN RECOVERY GROUPS, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE SOCIALLY ISOLATED. Call the hotlines.

Do whatever necessary to let the world hear your voice and to let the emotions outside of your enclosed reality.

That being said, here are authors I recommend as general rule, even though what you should read also depends a lot on your own situation (they are all available in audiobook libraries, so if you struggle to sit down and read, you can just do stuff like cleaning/gaming while listening) :

- Kristin Neff (Must read, don't mind the new age vibes of the covers)
- Oliver Burkeman
- Anna Lembke
- Viktor Frankl

 

[timf]

Sometimes a narrowing of social contacts can provide a clarity to see a path for yourself that was previously not very discernible.

If you have an eating disorder (anorexia or bulimia) it may have started as a way to relieve anxiety and have a feeling of control. If this is the case, you may want to explore other means of providing a sense of control.

.It may be that you could benefit from constructing a core for yourself. For example if you have a passion for some subject, you might allow yourself to pursue it even if it is not widely acceptable (like stamp collecting). Giving yourself permission to pursue your interests can help establish a foundation. Using the example of stamp collecting, you might find others who also have your passion and can build on that.

In addition to exploring those things that satisfy and fulfill you, you may wish to dabble with new experiences. Many cities have an organization like Leisure Learning that offer courses on cooking, singing, arts and crafts, etc.

I don't know if this is something you have delt with, but sometimes excessive self-focus can spill over into our relationships and make those we know feel uncomfortable. If you build something solid for yourself you would have something to share with others that wouldn't require them carry you. You might even reach a point where you could help carry them a little.

 

[Everybody_yells]

Here is my recommendation: depending on where you live, exhaust all the possible public-sponsored resources that you can find. See social workers. Get an appointment with a professional if possible. Look for charities. JOIN RECOVERY GROUPS, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE SOCIALLY ISOLATED. Call the hotlines.

Thank you for the recommending this. Exhausting all the available options seems necessary after all.

Do whatever necessary to let the world hear your voice and to let the emotions outside of your enclosed reality.

I am not sure of this though.
My family never gave me any unconditional love. And the time I got it, was from my ex. But by the time I realized it, she had worn out because I did not give her the love she deserved. And my friends probably should be growing tired of hearing me out and I feel bad, so bad to reach out to them again in times of crisis.
So finally when I sought a therapist, my dependency on her was too high, because of the lack of people in my life. And now with her inconsistent appointments, part of my mind has already evaluated my worthlessness it seems.

I guess its my depressive state that is clouding my thoughts and thus preventing me from reaching out to anyone anymore. That said, I don't know if I could, but I guess I can try to make attempts.

That being said, here are authors I recommend as general rule, even though what you should read also depends a lot on your own situation (they are all available in audiobook libraries, so if you struggle to sit down and read, you can just do stuff like cleaning/gaming while listening) :
- Kristin Neff (Must read, don't mind the new age vibes of the covers)
- Oliver Burkeman
- Anna Lembke
- Viktor Frankl

Also, thanks for these recommendations as well. I will try and dive into them soon.

If you have an eating disorder (anorexia or bulimia) it may have started as a way to relieve anxiety and have a feeling of control. If this is the case, you may want to explore other means of providing a sense of control.

I like how you used the word of control because I think it is resonating with me. You are right the lack of control over things around me does agitate me. I subdue that anger almost every time because, well have and always will be powerless to the cause of outcomes around me it seems.

.It may be that you could benefit from constructing a core for yourself. For example if you have a passion for some subject, you might allow yourself to pursue it even if it is not widely acceptable (like stamp collecting). Giving yourself permission to pursue your interests can help establish a foundation. Using the example of stamp collecting, you might find others who also have your passion and can build on that.

Spot on ! This is something I wanted ! I mean, my dilemma always has been my lack of identity. While on a group chat, I mostly stay quite because I can never relate to anyone. They would talk about sports, but I don't watch it. They would talk about movies, but all I watch are depressive movies (at least recently). So thereby most times, I feel myself misfit , if it makes sense. So.. thing is I don't want to bother trying and understanding what they like and then mingle with the group. That would be me again adopting some other identity. No. I want to do something less ordinary but worth pursuing I guess. ugh.. Its a big expectation I guess. Sorry !

In addition to exploring those things that satisfy and fulfill you, you may wish to dabble with new experiences. Many cities have an organization like Leisure Learning that offer courses on cooking, singing, arts and crafts, etc.

Well, that's news to me cos I never knew it. Thanks for the recommendation. I will be looking into it.

I don't know if this is something you have delt with, but sometimes excessive self-focus can spill over into our relationships and make those we know feel uncomfortable. If you build something solid for yourself you would have something to share with others that wouldn't require them carry you. You might even reach a point where you could help carry them a little

PRECISELY !!
This is what I mean. I am not being modest, I am someone who wants to help others, not for the gratitude, but because that's what I like. To be there for others. But nobody actually comes over and asks me for help. Why? Because I am a no one.
I don't have the money.
I don't have any useful contacts
I don't own anything useful that others need.
Nothing. I am a nobody !

So why would anyone come to me in the first place. Rather, due to my helplessness, often, its me who reaches out to others for help. For instance while I was searching for a job earlier. It makes me feel so bad.

.