Venting How can I keep going in life when my best friend has gone

[Ember_Dragon_rose]

It's not a question of does it get better it's more of a question on whether mentally I can keep myself from CTB while always being reminded of her, even the good times just send me into a spiral or suicidal thoughts and self-esteem drops. Do I want to live without her when she literally guided my whole world for years and saved me so many times from CTB attempts?

In the end after almost a year without her yeah I may be alive and happy at times but I feel empty like a black hole is in my chest always now and there isnt a way to remove it, even if I live with it, it isn't being alive, it is just existing and surviving. I've accepted myself already as being ready to die, I don't actively try but deep inside me there is a drive to rest and a willingness to let it happen.

Interestingly about this whole thing is I set a timer to stay and I want to know your thoughts on if its a bad thing it being so long (3 years from now)? Is the idea of a longer time frame more scary because you might find a reason to live again? Cos for me it is- I'm terrified of it but I got a few things I need to do and experience before I CTB.

 

[cetacea]

I lost my best friend too, she abandoned me and it is what has made me consider CTB. I relate to your situation a lot. Antidepressants helped me a lot but did not totally fix the depression and thoughts of CTB. The most effective thing for me has been pretending this person doesnt exist and has never been in my life. When people bring her up I shoot them down and tell them not to mention her. They dont mention her much anymore.

Interestingly about this whole thing is I set a timer to stay and I want to know your thoughts on if its a bad thing it being so long (3 years from now)?

It's been over a year for me. I am much less suicidal. I can't tell you how likely it is that you'll find a reason to live again, nor if your timer being so long is a bad thing. Your experience won't be the same as mine; maybe it'll be way better, maybe it will be significantly, soul-crushingly worse. The only way you can find out how you'll feel is if you live out those three years.

I hope you can find peace, somehow

 

[Ember_Dragon_rose]

I lost my best friend too, she abandoned me and it is what has made me consider CTB. I relate to your situation a lot. Antidepressants helped me a lot but did not totally fix the depression and thoughts of CTB. The most effective thing for me has been pretending this person doesnt exist and has never been in my life. When people bring her up I shoot them down and tell them not to mention her. They dont mention her much anymore.



It's been over a year for me. I am much less suicidal. I can't tell you how likely it is that you'll find a reason to live again, nor if your timer being so long is a bad thing. Your experience won't be the same as mine; maybe it'll be way better, maybe it will be significantly, soul-crushingly worse. The only way you can find out how you'll feel is if you live out those three years.

I hope you can find peace, somehow

Thank you, I'm glad you found a way to help.

I haven't been through anti-depressants yet, I went through CAMHS after an OD attempt and then they didnt believe I was much of a risk after I may go just to see just to survive a bit easier. It will be an interesting experiment I guess to see in the future. Thanks for responding I will someday, I hope you do too

 

[whateverr]

It's not a question of does it get better it's more of a question on whether mentally I can keep myself from CTB while always being reminded of her, even the good times just send me into a spiral or suicidal thoughts and self-esteem drops. Do I want to live without her when she literally guided my whole world for years and saved me so many times from CTB attempts?

In the end after almost a year without her yeah I may be alive and happy at times but I feel empty like a black hole is in my chest always now and there isnt a way to remove it, even if I live with it, it isn't being alive, it is just existing and surviving. I've accepted myself already as being ready to die, I don't actively try but deep inside me there is a drive to rest and a willingness to let it happen.

Interestingly about this whole thing is I set a timer to stay and I want to know your thoughts on if its a bad thing it being so long (3 years from now)? Is the idea of a longer time frame more scary because you might find a reason to live again? Cos for me it is- I'm terrified of it but I got a few things I need to do and experience before I CTB.

What happened to her? I don't want to invalidate your struggle, but I've never had a best friend so at least you got to experience something like that.

 

[Ember_Dragon_rose]

What happened to her? I don't want to invalidate your struggle, but I've never had a best friend so at least you got to experience something like that.

Sadly she had a shit life with lots of abusive partners, after escaping with her child she was happy for a while with a good partner, however after more psychological trauma and physical (almost losing her child an other stuff) her heart weakened and eventually deteriorated to the point it would barely function. She had to be euthanised. We never met in person, on her last day (when she first mentioned she was going) we spent 8 hours trying to plan and travel across multiple countries arguing if i should even see her before she died. she never made it to the train and i never made it out the uk in time. I will never allow myself to forgive my hesitation when she told me not to go see her. I accepted what she was about to do i just needed to give her a long over-due hug. she was the kindest person i have ever met, always went out of her way for strangers, the purest soul, despite what had been done to her.

 

[whateverr]

Sadly she had a shit life with lots of abusive partners, after escaping with her child she was happy for a while with a good partner, however after more psychological trauma and physical (almost losing her child an other stuff) her heart weakened and eventually deteriorated to the point it would barely function. She had to be euthanised. We never met in person, on her last day (when she first mentioned she was going) we spent 8 hours trying to plan and travel across multiple countries arguing if i should even see her before she died. she never made it to the train and i never made it out the uk in time. I will never allow myself to forgive my hesitation when she told me not to go see her. I accepted what she was about to do i just needed to give her a long over-due hug. she was the kindest person i have ever met, always went out of her way for strangers, the purest soul, despite what had been done to her.

Really sorry to hear you lost a connection with someone like that. I wish there was something I could do. Sounds terrible.

 

[Strawberry Moon]

I lost both of my best friends in one go. That shit was painful for months. I never had any answers and I doubted/hated myself so much. I'm sorry for your loss. It will get easier within time.